My husband won’t accept our marriage is over

[Flora1971]

My husband and I have been married for 13 years and together for 18 years. Our relationship was always tricky in that we seem to struggle to resolve differences but since having children things went massively downhill. After our eldest was born 9 years ago he told me that “I have always loved you more than you love me so from now on I’m going to focus everything on our daughter”. And that’s pretty much what he has done.

At various points I have threatened to leave and he has promised things will change and get better but they never have. If I try and initiate a conversation about anything I’m told he doesn’t want to talk about it, that I’m the problem and the cause of all our difficulties. After I threatened to leave the first time he agreed to marriage counselling but he didn’t engage at all and complained greatly about the cost. Over the years I have suggested counselling again but he has always refused.

I am certain I want to end the marriage, it makes me feel sick to think how it will affect the children who are now 9 and 4 but at the moment they are on the front row of an extremely dysfunctional relationship which has got to be damaging to them. The problem is my husband refuses to discuss anything, including selling our house and how we can move forward.

I just wondered if anyone had any advice on how to do this, the only online advice I have found is to go through courts which I’m guessing will be expensive

What would you do next if he did accept it's over?

Go ahead and do that anyway .

It'll be really uncomfortable but that's part of the detachment.

You don't need him to accept it. I fully appreciate how difficult it is though.

But asking/ waiting for his blessing only feeds in to his belief that you need his permission to consider the relationship over.

Go online and file for divorce, then tell him, and get a solicitor.

Start making plans. Get things in motion.

Yeah, I'd just file for divorce. He can't stop you doing it and his inaction won't prevent it from happening. Tell him what you're doing, if you want to, but don't wait for him to give you permission or come around to the idea. If you're done, it's time to act (and from what you've said, I don't blame you either!).

a sensible order would be

pull all your joint financial info - pensions, salaries, mortgage etc

go and see a solicitor, they will give you an ideal of how money is likely to be divided

with that info make a plan

and then tell your husband you will be separating as amicably as possible

I think (ask the solicitor) that you are usually required to try and reach agreement via mediation , as it’s recognised to be in most people’s emotional and financial interests to avoid court.

citizens advice is a great source of help if you get stuck.

Try not to worry too much about the kids, as long as they know they are both your priorities and their needs are foregrounded, they will be ok.

This is terrible advice. Do not do this. Get a solicitor and a plan before you tell him any damn thing.