I want to divorce. Please help me break the news with kindness

[Pleasecouldihavesomeadvice]

I would like to split up with my DH, but I want to go about it in the most respectful and kind way I possibly can, but I need some tips.

(Together 11 years, married 7. Two children aged 3 and 6)

I understand that he will have emotions and will likely be angry and hurt, so I would like to try and minimise his hurt as much as I can.

I have attempted to split twice before, but he begged me back.

I really would like to keep the house myself, but as I am the party who wants to split up, would this be unreasonable? (I think so)

>In the hours after the split, what should I do? Where should I go? I have family 3 hours away and I could stay with them. But I do have work here and we have children together

I think he will want 50/50 of the children. Which I think I am ok with (this seems fair considering I am the one instigating this).
I think he will try to stay together but later on will be quite nasty, angry and manipulative during the divorce process.

> Thinking medium term, what housing arrangement should I be aiming for? Should I rent locally (not a single property in our village/ near the school available).

Has anyone experience with the model where the ex couple rent/buy a flat and they live there when not with the children. Then when they have the children, the parent goes back to the family home. I suppose this might be a good short/medium term plan until the divorce is finalised and money released so we can either buy each other out of the house or buy another house each.

Please could I have some general tips on how to do this? What steps do I need to take? I have been wanting to do this for a few years, but I am Scared and keep putting it off, which isn’t fair on him.

Make sure you've got somewhere ready to go and possibly a bag packed in advance. If he's got a history of begging you might want to make a swift exit.
Maybe just say ' It's nothing to do with you but I'm a place in my life where I need to be single. I'm sorry if that hurts you but this is something I need to do'
Keep it short but be prepared for backlash and questions. Just let him be angry but like I said be prepared to leave.

Thank you @IvanaTinkle2 that is really helpful advice.
I will try not to linger.
Should I go to my parents for a few days? But leave the children with him for the weekend?

I don’t want to be the one to leave the family or my children. Which I worry the above would be.

I want us to split amicably and to co parent effectively.

I think you need to remember that even though you want the split I imagine it is at least prtly because of how he behaves and therefore you need to take guilt out of every decision and do it because it is fair and right for your children

Which isnt you having to go 3 hours. Do you have room to have separate rooms when this is sorted and potentially sell the house

Sort out moving out of the bedroom even if you want to bunk in with the DC. Beyond that don't leave the home or DC.

"I think you need to remember that even though you want the split I imagine it is at least prtly because of how he behaves "

That's a very lazy assumption

So difficult, I'm the same as you, similar age kids. We're living in limbo as I'm leaving and can't find anywhere to live. My friends have been so supportive and offered help with accommodation if needed (Eg urgent need for space), do you have friends around who you have confided in?
I told my husband right before he was due to take the kids to his mum's for the weekend, so he could have some space (my parents a 7 hr drive away!). And we now have quite separate plans for over summer with the kids. It's weird but it's going to get the kids used to doing things with one then the other, not together.
Stay on the scene, but I guess have a safe place to go, you'll each need to have some time away. I'm looking for a local rental, but hard to find. I think having a parental base and kids staying in house/parents moving would be ok very short term but would drive me insane long term. You need a base to rebuild your life.
Stay strong, it will be messy for a while, but so worth it. Xx

Don’t leave your house. Why would you?!

I disagree with this, especially saying 'It's nothing to do with you' when of course it is. It's him you want a divorce from. Like PPs say, don't leave your home or kids. Have the conversation when the kids aren't there or due back soon, and be prepared for a least a bit of conversation. A start 'It's not you, it's me,' and out the door is cold.

@Dandy45 OP said she wants to minimise hurt so I was going off that. I meant well but appreciate your perspective

The term is 'Nesting' for when the children stay in the family home and the parents move in and out each week.

I think op you are feeling guilty. The marriage is over.

Regardless of why it's over, don't do yourself short

Thanks all.
I am pleased a few of you have said not to leave the home.
I don’t want to feel like I have ‘left’. Even if it was for a few days.

We do have a spare room. So it’s possible, but will be tight.

Unfortunately we rely on his mum every week for childcare and she comes and stays in the spare room. I can change my work shifts and my boss is very flexible.
I think I will change shifts so it means I can always pick the children up from nursery/school myself for the time being. As I don’t want to have MiL over while the split is going through. She will try to act as a councillor and bring us together.

I need to find a kind but firm way of telling him it’s over. I don’t want any back and forth getting back together then breaking up rubbish that hurts everyone.

Any legal tips? Should I seek a solicitor advice beforehand?

Or any other words of advice?

For those asking
He has behaviours that many on mumsnet would deem unreasonable.

He has caused me a lot of hurt over the years and I realise I can be happier on my own.

He thinks he loves me. But I honestly think we don’t love each other. We are effective parents. We sleep together regularly and we communicate ok. But there’s no affection, caring or true meaningful conversation.

In 30 years when the children have grown up, I can see him being very grumpy old man and we have nothing in common. It’s very sad as from the outside, we seem like a “perfect family”. So will be difficult to explain to people.

Just because you want to split, don't be overly nice as it's likely to shaft you later in the process.

I think this is honestly ridiculous, and I appreciate that's bluntly put.

If you no longer want to be with him, based on behaviour in him you don't like and that you don't love him, that's all you need to focus on.

The 'kind & respectful' telling the news & the complicated plans are irrelevant.

Sit down & tell him clearly what you have written here. If he doesn't take well to the news, just reiterate it & don't respond to begging.

Seek legal advice and work out an interim plan for how you will proceed before you decide about living arrangements.

The split can be handled respectfully through mediation, if you are both agreeable.

I couldn't really imagine just 'telling' my spouse I was leaving, in circumstances you describe. What happened after the last two attempts? You stayed but did you both not discuss the situation & your marriage? Get counselling? Surely you didn't just carry on daily life & sleeping together?

From my experience so far trying to end things don't give him anything he can grab onto as a reason he/you could change and save things. H gaslight, gets angry, low level controlling behaviour. I'm planning this time, way past the point where I'm reacting out of emotion, I don't want to save things anymore. If you blame yourself he might decide that you owe it to him/DC to change to save the marriage.

I'm planning something emotion lite and to the point, "Our marriage is over and I'm going to file for divorce. We've discussed the problems so much over the years and I'm done. In a week, two at the most we need to work out logistics with the kids. When you've had a think about what you'd like in regards the who has kids when, we can organise a time to discuss how we move forward from here."

Nothing you can say is going to make this less painful. You're going to need to protect your DC best interests and keep that in mind when you're talking to him. If you focus to much on trying to make this easy for him you might do the wrong thing for your children. You can separate under one roof if necessary or short term rent a flat and swap in and out of the house with DC, while the two of you work everything out.

Is your home owned or rented? Don’t just leave with nowhere to go or without consulting a solicitor. Be as calm and emotionless as you can meantime and frame everything as ‘what’s best for the dc’. But if you own your home do not leave it.

Do not leave your children, if for whatever reason you have to leave, they come with you. Different circumstances, but I left due to domestic violence, an hour after I left he changed the locks. DS was 3, imagine if I'd decided to leave him in the house and the lengthy legal battle to try and get him back. At 3 and 6 your children aren't older teens who would understand possibly why mum wasn't there. 50/50 can still be arranged without you leaving the children, if he works all week it may mean compromising on weekends and holiday periods, and needn't been a strict split of each week down the middle.

Not sure why you need to worry about kindness at this stage, see a solicitor and get the ball rolling on a No Fault divorce.
I think you are putting the cart before the horse abit with all your various plans and scenarios, you will just have see what the reaction is,
I was in his shoes I would not leave the martial home until it’s sold, so be prepared for co- living