Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Was this guy genuine?
12

milkyway512 · 28/06/2022 18:15

I dated this guy (m25) for only a month, but I've been confused as to whether his feelings for me were genuine. A lot of me thinks he was love-bombing me, and that he was putting on a face for me in order to get what he wanted. But I'm not sure and any input would be appreciated.

I met him on tinder when I was 20, and I just wanted to lose my virginity and 'get it over with' (completely wrong way of dealing with it, but I gave into peer pressure) and I matched with him. We met at a local pub and he was very nice, made a lot of eye contact. We went back to mine, and after we dtd, he mentioned seeing me again. He mentioned taking me to this restaurant he knew, which I assumed was going to be this dingy restaurant but he ended up taking me to this really expensive restaurant in London. I was shocked and in awe and felt a bit blown away by it. He was super nice, holding my hand, being affectionate, lots of eye contact, and I knew on that day we were a couple. It happened so fast, it felt natural but intense.

One thing I found a bit strange was on that day, our very first official date, he gave me the passcode to his phone and made quite a big deal out of me knowing there was nothing to hide on his phone. I wasn't expecting that as I usually wouldn't look through someones phone and wouldn't expect to know their passcode, but he really wanted me to know it. I thought it was a kind of 'all cards on the table' kind of move, but at the time I thought it was a bit fishy, almost over-compensating for something. Later in the relationship I saw he had been texting his ex, as I saw her name on the top of the screen and knew it was an ex because he kept all the photos of her on his instagram. It wasn't anything sexual or flirty, but it seemed to be quite often, almost mundane. I wasn't sure what to make of this, as he was okay with showing me his phone, even with her name at the top of the screen, but it was almost as if he was doing it to say 'look, i've got nothing to hide'. Am I just being too skeptical?

His phone went off a lot at one point, like repetitively someone was texting him, and he had his arms round me and sort of tensed up.

I met his family that week, as he said he wanted me to meet his grandmother, and then I met his parents. That's when it started to feel really intense, and I would go to the toilet and breathe because it felt like so much. They were so nice, very accommodating with good food, and I actually really liked them. But I just started to think, does he have an agenda here? It felt like he hadn't really gotten to know me, or that he knew me within a short space of time and felt satisfied. He also said 'I love you' that night of the expensive restaurant in London.

I broke up with him because I wasn't sure I trusted him and it was going really fast. Then we got back together as I thought maybe I was wrong, and we met at the same pub we met at the first time and we hugged and there were tears in his eyes because he was so relieved (?).

Another thing I found a bit strange as he gave me a pet name which is the very same pet name he gave to this ex of his he was messaging. He wanted me to call him the pet name she called him, like a repetition of the same ritual. This ex lived in another country though (they met at uni on a year abroad), so I wasn't too worried they were sleeping together but I still felt something was a bit off. I asked him about it, and he said she was just a girl he knew from a while ago and that he would block her if it made me uncomfortable. I said it's okay he didn't need to block her, and he didn't, and I felt reassured at the time, but looking back I knew she was his ex so he lied about that.

He was big on communicating with me, better than I was actually, and seemed quite in tune with my feelings. If he thought he did something that made me uncomfortable, he would apologise and not do it again. He seemed intent on making the relationship better. He wasn't good though on using condoms and would sometimes try and talk his way out of using one, which annoyed me as I was worried about pregnancy. He eventually did as I really wanted him to. Once he hit me during sex and when he saw it made me uncomfortable he apologised and didn't do it again. He made me laugh and feel better about myself, so this relationship wasn't all negative at all, but I was just wondering whether these feelings for me were genuine.

I stayed round his at weekends, and it was great, and he made me apples and cinnamon and tea in bed. And he read me stories, which were part of my degree.
Some parts were really nice, and I'll treasure those memories forever. But I just worry he was faking the whole thing. When it was about 3 weeks in, he mentioned children and stopped the movie we were watching to ask when I wanted them, and he seemed to really want children with me. But we only knew each other for a month or so and isn't that a bit too soon? He also called me 'wifey material' and briefly alluded to where he'd get a ring.

However, he took an issue with the amount of sugar I ate and worried about me being diabetic, and then said 'don't get fat on me'. He also referred to my degree as my 'little books', which annoyed me as sometimes I felt he didn't take it seriously. I sometimes felt it was taking up a lot of my time, and was worried about finishing my degree as he would be round every weekend, which I enjoyed but I didn't want to get too caught up in it as it felt like a whirlwind sometimes.
I ended it again and he still delivered me a birthday gift the week after we split, and donated £80 to my fundraiser on Facebook.

I'm just confused. Did he really like me, or was he faking just to get a wife and kids? Part of me thinks he only wanted me as an English version of his ex who is in a different country on the other side of the world. Are these just my self esteem issues, or was he really interested in me?

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

IvanaTinkle2 · 28/06/2022 18:26

I see a fair few red flags there and it's better to trust your gut with these things. How long ago was all this?

Please
or
to access all these features

IvanaTinkle2 · 28/06/2022 18:28

Also when you say he hit you during sex, do you mean a slap on the face or what do you mean?

Please
or
to access all these features

milkyway512 · 28/06/2022 18:29

IvanaTinkle2 · 28/06/2022 18:26

I see a fair few red flags there and it's better to trust your gut with these things. How long ago was all this?

Thank you for replying! It was a year and a half ago, and I was super confused at the time as well.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

milkyway512 · 28/06/2022 18:29

IvanaTinkle2 · 28/06/2022 18:28

Also when you say he hit you during sex, do you mean a slap on the face or what do you mean?

Slaps on my ass 😂

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

FrodisCapering · 28/06/2022 18:33

The bit about not getting fat and the bit about the "little books" are both gross.
Lots of the rest of it sounds very odd. I thi k you're better off without this one.

Please
or
to access all these features

ImpartialMongoose · 28/06/2022 18:35

It seems as if he wanted to get married and have kids and that the woman with which he wanted to do it with could be interchangeable. Obviously he had some standards to fulfill, but it doesn't sound as if he was too worried about the real person within you, who you really are and what your values and aspirations are, as long as you slotted in nicely with his goals and aspirations.

Please
or
to access all these features

Palmfrond · 28/06/2022 18:36

Strange story, sounds like there is oddness on both sides, but tbh he sounds like a nutter. Giving you the passcode is nutterish, trying to impregnate you is nutterish, telling you he loves you on the second date is nutterish, hitting you (presuming it’s something more sinister than a slap on your buttcheek) during sex is nutterish, weeping with relief when you took him back is a bit nutterish. The whole stuff with meeting his family is a bit nutty too.
Proceed with caution.

Please
or
to access all these features

yellowsmileyface · 28/06/2022 18:38

So many red flags. Am I understanding correctly, he said he loved you during the second date?

He was not genuine, and he was most definitely love bombing you. Showing "concern" over how much sugar you eat was one of the first signs of his controlling behaviour. You had a lucky escape.

Is there any particular reason you're thinking about this now?

Please
or
to access all these features

milkyway512 · 28/06/2022 18:42

yellowsmileyface · 28/06/2022 18:38

So many red flags. Am I understanding correctly, he said he loved you during the second date?

He was not genuine, and he was most definitely love bombing you. Showing "concern" over how much sugar you eat was one of the first signs of his controlling behaviour. You had a lucky escape.

Is there any particular reason you're thinking about this now?

I'm thinking about it now as it feels like I won't ever meet anyone genuine, and was trying to work out whether I had and was just being too skeptical. But I agree he was definitely love bombing, it's just nice to see my thoughts aren't entirely off base!

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

IvanaTinkle2 · 28/06/2022 18:55

He does sound wierd and I think you did the right thing. The whole slap in the ass thing is normal in my relationship but we've been together a while and it's done playfully. So it kinda just depends what you consider acceptable really. Him giving you the passcode to his phone is super odd though, that would of put me off alone. Really strange.

Please
or
to access all these features

GoldPig · 28/06/2022 19:36

Losing your virginity can mess with your emotional bandwidth a bit but it sounds like your instincts were spot on. Definitely a bit of a weirdo. You can and will do better

Please
or
to access all these features

milkyway512 · 28/06/2022 20:13

GoldPig · 28/06/2022 19:36

Losing your virginity can mess with your emotional bandwidth a bit but it sounds like your instincts were spot on. Definitely a bit of a weirdo. You can and will do better

Thank you! It did, but I tried to stay with my instinct as I knew it was going too fast.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.