WWYD - would you contact your ex ?

[Cosyafternoon]

I called things off with my ex because I was frightened he would hurt me , now 15 years later , we are both married and ‘friends’ on social media.

Looking back , one of the main reasons I felt so in secure in the relationship was due to a mutual ‘friend’ who would drop little seeds of doubt in my mind. After I called things off - this ‘friend’ made it clear he wanted to know me better and now I think his intention was cause a problem. I haven’t spoken to either for 15 years.

When I called things off with Ex I didn’t ’t give any sort of explanation and I can’t shake the guilty feeling. I think I need some closure. I’d like to contact ex, tell him how I felt at the time, apologise for not trusting in him more and wish him well.

Is this a bad idea ?

It's a very bad idea. It would only be for your benefit. Not his. And certainly not his wife's or your husband's.

Yes it’s a bad idea, you’ve both moved on.

If he had asked you for a reason fair enough, but he hasn’t.

Leave it alone.

Do you still harbour feelings for him OP? I'd probably leave it personally. What's done is done.

He is the only other person I’ve loved and I will always care for him. I am not looking for any other outcome from making contact and the only reason may I haven’t messaged already is because part of me knows how hurtful it could be for his DW and especially my DH if he found out.

I just don’t feel like it was clean cut and have trouble moving on from it because it’s like unfinished business by what wasn’t said at the time.

I’ve had therapy and discussed this issue, I think my reasons for making contact would be partly selfish for my benefit but part of me still believes he would appreciate and deserves an explanation , albeit an extremely delayed one !

I think my reasons for making contact would be partly selfish for my benefit but part of me still believes he would appreciate and deserves an explanation

I don't think there is any 'partly' selfish about it. This is ALL for you. You don't know him, you can't know what he would 'appreciate'. That's a line you're telling yourself to justify contacting him on a deeper level 🤷‍♀️
Don't do it. It's a dick move.

As you are fb friends if he wanted to ask he could... no need .. tbh it sounds like you should unfriend and disconnect.

If one of my exes from 15yrs ago got in contact with me out of the blue to give me an 'explanation' I'd be seriously unsettled by it and it most definitely wouldn't be welcome. I doubt he ever thinks about you OP and certainly doesn't while away the hours wondering why you dumped him. It's a bit self-indulgent.

Closure is what you get when you understand that you don't need to do this, and move on.

It's not something someone else gives you.

People change a lot in 15 years and I agree with @edwinbear if my ex suddenly contacted me I'd find it really wierd and tbh I'd probably ignore it 🙈

It was 15 years ago. He's moved on, so have you. Don't do it op, you'll just look really bizarre and strange. He probably doesn't even give you a seconds thought.

Move on.

Leave the poor bloke alone he is married. He doesn’t need you rocking in and maybe unsettling his marriage. If he wanted to know why he would have asked at the time and I doubt he cares all these years later.

Don't do it - just the thought of it is making me cringe.

Take a piece of paper and write a long letter. Get all your thoughts out on paper and purge them. Then tear it up and throw it away.

I've done it about something that once happened to me, and it really helps.

I think your ex will have moved on long ago, and will likely have a feeling of 'Jeez, this person is still hung up on this... how sad!'

Block him on facebook if it helps or unfriend. Maybe you are reminiscing after seeing his stuff pop up.

Really bad idea and 15 years on, you'll look very weird and will probably be unfriended

Oh god no.

Move on.

OP what would you think if your dh suddenly announced he was contacting an ex of 15 years to get closer
Chances are you would be on here asking why is he still thinking about her when we are happily married
The replies would probably be you have always been second best and he wants to meet up with a view to a shag or a relationship with the ex.

I have thought about blocking him. It’s like I don’t know what to do with the guilt. In some respects I think if I sent the message and he replied saying ‘thanks but I don’t care’ I would be able to move on from it.

I do realise this makes me sound crazy 👀

Leave it well alone. I have been on the other end of this and it is WEIRD.
You don't even know him anymore. Its been 15 years.

But then that's you doing something to make yourself feel better, imposing yourself on him (and by extension his DW) to do so.

This isn't going to sound very nice but it's been 15 years. He has a long term relationship. He's moved on. He's fine. It's overwhelmingly likely that he won't be thinking about you lots and wishing he had closure. It's far more likely he stopped thinking about it years ago.

It's unfair to get in touch just because you haven't been able to move past it for the last decade and a half.

The kindest thing you can do is continue therapy to get closure yourself without involving him, and leave well alone

It sounds as if he still has some kind of emotional hold on you- not sure if I've worded that right but hopefully you know what I mean.
I can't see any good coming from this, you need to move on from the guilt OP. Everyone fucks up from time to time, try and focus your mind elsewhere.

He’s your ex of 15 years. If he wanted closure he’d have contacted you.

He doesn’t care. Leave him alone. No good can come of you opening this can of worms.

It would seriously creep me out if an ex from 15 YEARS ago got in touch wanting closure.. 😬

Before posting this I actually thought some responses would be in favour of messaging him 😬

I have unfollowed him and will seek out other ways to manage my feelings. Thanks for the replies.