New partner going on a "singles night"

[Anonnyno]

I suppose I'm looking for some assurance here...

Been dating someone just over a month and recently made decision to say we're offically in a proper relationship. I do trust her (as much as I can, given we're still in early stages) and want us to feel free to have our own lives, etc. However, there's just one forthcoming event that's niggling away at me, and would appreciate advice on how to deal with it.

Her friends at work have arranged a "singles night" - bascially going clubbing and getting very drunk - and my new partner's been invited. Obviously, I guess as we were in early stages of dating when this was set up, so maybe her friends still considered her single. She's told me she's not particularly keen on clubbing anyway and could think of nothing worse than being hit on by guy on the dancefloor - but even so, I can't help but feel unsettled by the whole idea of her going out with friends, where the explicit intention is that they're all single and will be on the "pull" or whatever and will (as she's admittd will be the case) be nursing a massive hangover the next day.

In a way, if they hadn't labelled it "singles" then I might not be as bothered so much. I don't want to stop her from having fun.

Any thoughts?

I wouldn't want my partner going on a night out where everyone he's out with is spending the night chatting up women.

That's the issue here, isn't it OP? What makes you uncomfortable is her friends intentions for the night?

You seem to be controlling 🚩
She’s not your partner at a push perhaps girlfriend

I wouldn't want my partner going on a night out where everyone he's out with is spending the night chatting up women

I think the real question is why would someone in a relationship want to go on this sort of night out? I trust my partner, and trust that she wouldn't want to do something like this. It's moot what would happen when she got there, because she wouldn't go in the first place.

Yeah this is the same for me. Maybe I didn't phrase it correctly. I wouldn't feel comfortable in a relationship with someone who went on nights out like this. A night out with friends is no bother at all - but a night out specially on the pull would be a hard no.

Maybe with an actual partner. But they've been dating for four weeks.

@wellhelloitsme if I'm in a relationship with someone I expect the same amount of loyalty after a week as after a year

@wellhelloitsme

They've had the chat and agreed that they're in an exclusive relationship. The specific timing doesn't matter. Once you've had that conversation, it's disrespectful to your partner to keep doing activities for 'singles'.

I think this all depends on what sort of night this is. It could be a girls night out or it could be a bonk-fest. If OP's partner is referring to it as a singles night herself, that's rude.

I appreciate everyone so different but I think personally that's an unhealthy approach in many instances.

If my long term partner had an issue with me going on a night out, I know him well enough that there would be an underlying reason we needed to talk through together because he knows me well enough to know I wouldn't ever intentionally hurt him or cheat. I am loyal to him because I love him and respect him, so would sit and discuss it with him, reassure him, decide what course of action to take. We are a team. He is my partner.

If someone I had been dating for four weeks had an issue with me going on a night out, I would think they were too intense and being pretty entitled and perhaps controlling.

If someone I had been dating for four weeks called me their 'partner' I would think it was intense and that they were keen to rush things along rather than getting to know each other.

It doesn't matter what it is she's going out with friends. I see you as a massive read flag. You've posted on mumsnet about this after a month. You need to get a grip. Go out with your mates and forget about her. Text her the next day. Don't carry on like this

I go out clubbing all the time. When somebody hits on me I just say “thanks, very flattered, but I’m married” and that’s the end of it. If you don’t think somebody you’re in a relationship with is going to do that then you end the relationship.

Would you tell your partner you were going out on a 'singles night', though? I think that's what's odd, here.

It's a girls night out where they are not taking partners.

Hmm, I’m just wondering if the responses here would be the same if it was a female posting about her new boyfriend who is off for a singles night with the lads.

I think it’s fine to share with her that you feel insecure, so long as you are positive and open about your feelings.

But controlling is different - dictating what she can and can’t do. It doesn’t come across to me that THAT is your motivation. But if it is, and if you feel like you are getting into that territory - than THAT is very wrong.

OP himself has noted that the girlfriend’s colleagues called it a singles night when it was arranged, before they were even dating, when everyone attending was single. Perhaps now they could rename it “night out for some single people who want to meet potential partners and for others who are in new relationships but still want to socialise with their friends”, but it’s a bit of a mouthful and doesn’t really achieve much, I’d imagine they’ve concluded.

Maybe it's called singles night rather than a couples night!!

Funnily enough I read this as a woman and her new girlfriend. Maybe I'm wrong!