Is your date suggesting their house on a first date a warning sign?

[palmtree33]

Is a date suggesting their house for a first date weird or is it ok? Or should I suggest my house instead? Or just go somewhere public?

My first date with my now dh was at his house. We've been together 13 years, married for 11 so it turned out OK... That said I had met him once through mutual friends, same friends knew where he lived and I was going there, so from a safety aspect all was ok. I went to his house as we lived over an hour apart and he cooked for me. I suppose it depends on the circumstances.

I went to my partner's house for our first date for a nightcap after being out for dinner with a friend. BUT we had been chatting a for a few days and had discovered loads of mutual connections including his parents being very good friends with my best friend's mum and dad. In the time before we actually met the jungle drums has been activated by us checking out each other's stories and the parents had all been in contact, so I felt there was enough safeguarding through connection. I stayed 2 hours, kissed then left. Shag was not on the cards and he didn't try.

However, reading this that made realise it was a gamble. I was probably a bit linked by excitement. It worked out well for me. We now live together but.. a complete stranger, no.

That's not a date. A date is 2 people going out somewhere.

I invited my wonderful partner to stay at my home overnight before ever meeting him. We had met online and talked on Zoom. He was travelling a considerable distance to meet and, as we are both musicians, I had suggested that we make music together. We went for a long walk, played duets, shared a meal I'd prepared and slept in separate rooms. He went home the next day and 6 weeks later the friendship had blossomed into a fantastic full relationship.

I know I was taking a risk but I thought it was a small one. I wouldn't recommend doing what I did but I think the vast majority of people on here sadly have extremely low opinions of potential partners. In my opinion a home-cooked meal is a lovely 'date' and not every man will assume an invite to your home means you're instantly available for sex.

Stop the online dating until you have a clear idea of what looking after your own safety is.

You are really contemplating inviting a total stranger into your home because they suggested it?

not every man will assume an invite to your home means you're instantly available for sex.
That's true. It's also true that not every man (a small percentage, no doubt, but there's no way to identify them in advance) will take no for an answer and you'd have put yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position if he turned out to be a slimeball.

It's really low well no effort on his part

I was talking to a guy online and he suggested making me a meal for first date at his apartment but I really didn’t feel comfortable with that so agreed to meet in a public place then he asked me to pick him up on way there so I cancelled altogether as didn’t feel good about that either

Ugh, Jesus Christ NO. Even if he’s not inviting you there for sex (which I doubt), it shows an absolute lack of care and consideration for women’s safety. No random guy is worth the risk.

Never meet anyone you don't know in a private place.

There's no conclusive list of warning signs, OP. You just have to protect yourself. Chances are, if you're asking 'Is this a warning sign?', then you're feeling like it is. It's that feeling you need to respect, rather than whether anybody is doing anything 'wrong'.

I wouldn't feel comfortable, unless I had known the person for a while and we had decided to try out dating, then again id expect to go out somewhere unless we mutually agreed funds were tight.

If its a stranger, you are putting yourself in a position where you can't leave easily, you're not on neutral ground, at best it's a lazy option for a date at a time both people tend to put in a lot of effort but at worst you are at risk. It would be less suspect if it turns out that the person is a hobby or professional chef looking to impress with cooking skills but even then I wouldn't risk it on a first date and I presume you would have included that detail in OP

Of course not. Delete and block him as if he's this cheap and lazy now, it's all downhill

The sheer lack of effort for a first date would put me off

It depends if it's someone you know or not. If it's a stranger, forget it, but if it's someone you know and they're going to cook you dinner or whatever, I think that's fine.

Sounds like he is hoping for sex without having to pay for coffee or drinks, so could be anywhere on the spectrum from cheapskate to potential rapist.

At worst dangerous and at best they're lazy/tight/only interested in a shag

No way your place they don't need to know where you live yet

I don't even date just casual encounters as it were but that first in person contact is always in public somewhere neutral that I can quickly and easily get myself home from if necessary.

Personal safety plus if there isn't the attraction you're not in an awkward position for extrication I usually suggest coffee or a quick drink at a female friendly bar, that way if things go well you can extend things but if they don't you can make a quick getaway.

🚩

Definitely wouldn't be going to their house for a first date, unless you know them prior to this

I wouldn't even bother going on a date at all with them now if it was me

If he's genuinely too skint to meet you for a drink, even a coffee, he should be suggesting a walk somewhere nice, possibly bringing a picnic. Of course some people have done this and lived to tell the tale, but he should have the awareness to realise it's not the done thing as it puts the woman at risk.

Yes he wants sex, with no effort or expense on his part.

My daughter had met a man twice for a total of 2 1/2 hours (walks and coffee, no meals out). He suggested a date at his house for the third. She suggested a meal out and that she wouldn't stay over. He turned nasty. Confirmed her instincts perfectly.

And it wasn't due to lack of funds. Apparently he had a very good job and owned multiple properties. A quick google suggested he did indeed have a well payed job.

You would be insane.

Even if it's purely a hookup rather than a date, meet them in public and go to a hotel together. Do not put yourself in territory where there's no cctv, no people in earshot and you don't know where the exits are.

The sad reality is that there are many, many dodgy people about and you have no way of knowing if this person is one of them.

Assuming that he's a man and you're a woman, him asking you to his house also betrays a breathtaking ignorance of his own privilege and the steps women have to take to keep themselves safe. Either that, or he knows this would make most women very uncomfortable, and wants to push to see how much he can get away with. In either case, it would be a bad sign.

If you’re asking this, you REALLY shouldn’t be dating.

This

Meet somewhere public FFS.

The fact you're having to ask this makes me wonder if you should be dating at all.

Please let friends know where you are.

First date doesn't necessarily mean he's a complete stranger. Definitely no if he is, but not completely unreasonable if it's someone you already know quite well.

Still a better date if you go out though!