Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I don't know wjat to do?
15

Missjpwz · 28/06/2022 10:51

Hello, my first time posting here!

Firstly i want to thank you for giving me the strength for even posting on this forum...if other women can do it, why can't i?
I have resorted to posting on here because i don't talk to family or friends about my situation because i absolutley would hate it if they judged me for staying.

Been with partner for 11 years and 3 children together.10, 8, 1. He is originally from birmingham and mooved to my hometown to be with me. I will talk more on this shortly!
I guess i am looking for advice, i have been inhappy for a while in my relationship 1 years or so now. We constantly argue and bikker.
I would say and others ( even his own sister) has said he is a Narrsasist!
I do have a diagnosed unstable personality disorder which he mocks me for even made up names for my other personalities. If i do have a down day or feel angry he will pick up on this and then say things like " oh your Tina today" but only during a row. He refuses to get help because he believes nobody can help him. He has a very short temper and if somebody says something he does not like then it will turn into a debate until he has convinced them that their way of thinking is wrong. He is a very much open minded facts and figures type of guy. I am currently on MAT leave and he has made it very clear he does not want me to return to work because i should be a mum before i am working for somebody else to look after my children. My job envolves weekends and he is not happy that he has to work all week and then have the children 1 day out of the weekend. So i am looking for alternative work to see if that can change before i am due back. One opportunity came up and when i mentioned it to him, there was no encouragment,he just said " well that is hard or too stressfull for you" then made me doubt myself like am i even capeable of doing this. I enjoy working part time for my own sanity. My MAT pay has now stopped and he is the sole earner ATM. So i am reliant on him fully. Rather than giving me money in a lump sum he gives in drips and drabs and i have to ask for it several times to the point i feel like i am begging, because he does not want to be charged for his overdraft. He does not think twice about kicking off infront of the kids. He has told our children that this is mummys fault. We do tend to go to a different room if we are having a heated discussion because it will never be resolved and end up in a row which he then blames on me or 1 of my personalities ir the fact i havn't looked at the facts before saying what i think or feel. Now when i tried to leave him nearly a year ago he tried to take his own life. I know this because he told me so i called the police and they found him in our family car en route to do so. He has fell out will all of his family members except a few. He is the common denominator but feels he has to act the way he did because he is not letting people get away with how they treat him anymore. His family are very much in yours and everybodys business. Mediterainian roots. I am told by his family members i need to make this work for the childrens sake but in all honesty i am broken, i have nothing left to give. I am petrified if i do leave he will go through with his threats of ending his life, his family will blame me. He says that doing that will be the only way i will see that how much i hurt him. 😢 i am a good mum, everything i do is revolved around him and my kids. I am abit of a nagger and a moaner because i feel like i am his mother and constantly run around or pick up after him. I do have OCD which i get help for, so i do like things a particular way. He comes home from work says hello and then straight on his gamestation, he pops in the living room now and then to see if me and kids are ok and then comes and sit with me to watch an hour of TV when kids are in bed. He has now started saying he gave up his life in birminham to come and be with me and that i don't take that into consideration. I have never had a problem with him going back to see friends or family but he never wants to.On the weekends he gets up, shaves, showers, games or goes golf will only do something with the family if i ask him. I don't even like asking him anymore because his whole demena changes and i just feel on edge the while time we are actually out. He likes to get up early and head out so he can be back by early afternoon to game. If we do go out i am then told " well i have spent this much time with you" i have worked all week. ( it's like he is the only person who has ever worked) We sleep seperate. Our sex life has never been the same since he cheated 6 years ago. (I am now thinking why did i ever take him back) if something is bothering me, i can't just go to him and say can we have a chat, i work myselef up and think of ways in my head on how to approach it because i know how it is going to end. So alot of the time i don't say anything and let the pot boil until i explode at him. I know in my heart i need to leave him but i am worried the impact it will have on our kids and him.

Sorry for rambaling and probably not making much sence but i guess i just would like other peoples opinions.
I don't even want to say this because i don't know if it is in my head or is it actually happening...emotional abuse?

Thank you for reading. X

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Lozzerbmc · 28/06/2022 13:18

This man is abusive and that’s even before I got to the bit where you said he cheated!

This is a man who does not support your mental health, abuses you in front of your children, financially abuses you by making you feel bad about asking for money, he’s trying to take your independence away by telling you not to go back to work, and he cheated on you. What on earth is there to like about this man? Genuinely what are his good points I can’t imagine there are any. You need to send him back to Birmingham . You will never be happy with this man.

Please
or
to access all these features

Lozzerbmc · 28/06/2022 13:20

Someone once told me you should only be with someone enriches your life. Does he? Nope!

Please
or
to access all these features

Pinkbonbon · 28/06/2022 13:37

Looks like your partner has a personality disorder too. But the wicked kind. Like psychopathy or npd. The kind that cannot be treated. I'd be curious if the people who diagnosed you knew the abuse you are going through as its possible you don't have personality disorder at all but infact, ptsd from living with an abuser.

The sooner you can get away from him, the better. Lots of abusers threaten to self harm if you leave but you must not let that manipulate you into staying. Go, block all contact and advise his family or the police of his threats. If he does manage to threaten self harm to you after you have left then you call the ambulance service and explain the situation. They will decide whether or not to attend him and I it turns out he is crying wolf, he won't try that bs again if they show up.

If he harasses you at all after you've left him, call the police. Speak with women's aid for further help. Also, dump him by text, not in person. After you have left.

Please
or
to access all these features

Missjpwz · 28/06/2022 14:03

I really wish i brave enough to do this but we have children together and although he is a rubbish partner he is a good and attentive dad. I got diagnosed about 7 years ago, i always say i am fun and bubbly around other people and he is the only one who brings out my sad or angry side. But he convinces me that i have always been like it and that i mask it, and pretend to be somebody else around others. I have asked him to leave in multiple occasions and he refuses. Said if i want to end it then i leave. We don't own our home, we private rent. Everything is in my name. I just don't have the energy for anymore discussions or arguments anymore or any empty promises. He changes for a few weeks and then back to his usual ways. I am so drained from it all. He blamed me for his cheating and said i pushed him away and made him feel less of a man. Because i was in a low place and wasn't intimate at all. Still to this day he says i need to hold some responsability for that. I know i have to go, my kids will hate me because they do dote on him. I need to find that strength to go through it that is all. X

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Watchkeys · 28/06/2022 14:09

If it feels like abuse, you need to get away. Don't worry about right or wrong. Even if you're wrong, do you want to continue with a relationship that feels abusive? If so, why?

Please
or
to access all these features

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/06/2022 14:11

He is NOT a good dad to his children if he abuses you. Women in poor relationships write this sort of comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Please
or
to access all these features

Soulfulclassic · 28/06/2022 14:11

Hi, We all have down days this does not mean that he is entitled to mock because you have personality disorders, that is just plain nasty.
As you say his own sister and others say he is a Narcissist, he is controlling and very manipulative.
He has cheated on you, than has the nerve to say if he ended his own life it would prove how much you hurt him.😤
You go to leave him and he says he is going to take his own life, you call police and they find him in his car going off to do whatever, if the police thought he was a danger to himself they could have detained him under the Mental Health Act, so what did he say to them that they just left it ? This is about control, he got what he wanted and you stayed.
He does not want you to return to work you should be stay at home Mum, for no other reason that it would mean he would have to spend time 1 day with his kids and not do as he pleases, and you would be reliant on him for money.
Thinks nothing of kicking off in front of his kids and telling them its Mummy's flaunt, this I find appalling as he is demeaning his kids Mother to his own kids😡
Am I surprised he has fallen out with his family apart from a few, Nope
He gave up his life in Birmingham to be with you, this was his choice and by the sounds of it he does not do anything he don't want to do, he can't miss it that much as he has no interest in going to visit family etc
His family say you have to make it work for the children's sake, if they had any concern as to what is best for the children they would be supporting you in what you decide is best for yourself and your children, I expect they don't want him turning up on their door step.
I would not be worried about the impact leaving him would have on the kids, they pick up and sense more than you know and this is toxic.
The impact on him if you left, he would try and control, manipulate the situation as it stopped you from leaving last time.
This is not in your head, its emotional and mental abuse and he knows what he is doing and will never change.
Would you be happy not having this person in your life or your kids, at the end of the day you deserve to be happy and have better than this.

Please
or
to access all these features

Missjpwz · 28/06/2022 14:50

@Soulfulclassic thank you. You hit the nail on the head when you said they do not want him to turn up on their doorstep. He is not even allowed in his parents house, he fell out with his dad years ago for defending his mum. I have tried talking to his mum but all i get is ahhh yes well he is just like his dad. And then changes the subject.His dad is the same towards his mum except alot worse, gets told what she can and can't wear. No friends allowed around their home ect. I don't speak to my family about it and paint a pretty picture because of judgment and they will give him what for and the fact i hate confrontation. I emotionally tapped out a year ago from this relationship however i am still physically here. I see a future without him now whereas before i never. Each day i feel i am getting stronger to leave him.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Lozzerbmc · 28/06/2022 15:35

He’s not a good dad. He is emotionally abusing the children as well by badmouthing you to them. What are they
going to learn from him in terms of how to behave?

Please
or
to access all these features

Soulfulclassic · 28/06/2022 16:50

I think that says it all if he is just like his dad, his dad might be worst than him but that is what he will be like in years to come as growing up with a dad like that has not stopped him from repeating the cycle with you, and the damaging effect it will have on your children.
Its good you have emotionally left this relationship and a start in moving on, so keep strong, when you feel the time is right speak to your family as I am sure they will support you, you will need them, abusers don't let go easy...they don't like to lose control.
You will get there, be kind to yourself, remember you deserve better as do your children.

Please
or
to access all these features

Lozzerbmc · 28/06/2022 17:15

If he’s like his dad then if you have a son he will turn out like his dad… I think you deserve so much better and so do your children. we only have one life. Do you want to spend it in this way ? life would be so much calmer and better without him in it wouldnt it?

Please
or
to access all these features

Sunnytwobridges · 28/06/2022 17:51

I stopped reading when I read he calls you different names based on your behaviour. I had a bf that did this and it really affected my self esteem. WIthout reading the rest I would say at the very least he's verbally abusive and since he doesn't think anythings wrong with him and wont seek help (like my bf) then he wont ever change.

Please
or
to access all these features

Missjpwz · 28/06/2022 19:44

You are not wrong. Can i please ask how you found the courage to leave?

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Missjpwz · 28/06/2022 19:46

You are so right. My son might dislike me for now but i keep telling myself that surely 2 happy seperated parents are better than 2 that are unhappy and always arguing. He says he will go back to birmingham and it will be my fault why the kids won't see him. Fine i will take that so long as he pisses off.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Missjpwz · 28/06/2022 19:49

Thank you! I have tonight spoken to my mum and told her everything, the relief i felt afterward. No going back now, i can't lie or cover for his behaviour anymore. I have hit rock bottom and will make rash decisions wether right or wrong but if i don't do this now, i never will.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.