Divorce- NPD

[Contentmentchaser]

I adore him, we have 3 very young dc, however I’ve been gaslighted the whole relationship, despite therapy for his narcissistic personality disorder it hasn’t changed, I can’t do it anymore. However, I’m a SAHM, no savings, no self esteem and don’t even know where to start. We’re both devastated. On the surface we have a brilliant marriage, good sex life, make time for each other, gorgeous kids, gives me lie ins after a bad night with the baby etc.. But he makes me feel lonely, he won’t admit any hurt he causes, twists everything that I’m reacting out of order etc..

Has anyone else been in this situation where you absolutely love the bones of them but they’re hurting you so badly and making you doubt your own reality the majority of the time?

He wants to try marriage counselling however I can’t help but think it’s just to buy more time because despite his current therapy going well to him it’s only made him aware of his disorder but not actually made any effort to change his behaviour towards me and he’s still as reactive.

If he really is a narcissist then you very probably won't have an amicable divorce.
His reason for being who he is will be to punish you. You are his victim.
You haven't said much about why you think he is a narcissist. True narcissists have many many faults. His refusal to take responsibility for his actions and see he is at fault and try to change is classic narc behaviour but it goes much deeper than this. True narcs are cold and unfeeling beyond all normal understanding. They live by their own truth and beliefs and whatever you say to try and reason with them makes no difference whatsoever. They tie you up in knots and slowly make yiu feel as if you are living with an alien. Loving them madly achieves precisely nothing. It gets you nowhere. They don't love you madly. They don't love you at all. The only way to preserve your sanity and have any sort of peace is to get away. Run for your life and don't look back.

I never understand this with MN, you have to mention everything in order for people to dissect. I thought I had specifically said he was diagnosed by the priory with NPD, I’ve also very specifically mentioned the comebacks and gaslighting language used by him which led me to come to the conclusion of not feeling like I can sustain this marriage, so I’m not sure why you think I’ve missed why and where I think he has NPD. I don’t need to add every specific detail about the man that attributes to his narcissism, he’s already been diagnosed so it felt pointless listing everything thing, the point is; I’ve broken off our marriage, filled with love, children, a mortgage etc.. I’m not sure how to navigate forward because of his NPD especially when he’s showing remorse which is just as confusing as the gaslighting for me.

I apologise for not realising that he had had a diagnosis. You said he was having therapy for this disorder but I neglected to understand that he had been officially diagnosed as a narcissist.
I'm sorry but all the therapy in the world won't make him who you want him to be
You say he is arranging viewings on rental properties. If he in any true way felt he was doing anything wrong, he would endeavour to put it right at all costs. He isn't. Its a very hard pill to swallow. I've been there. 20 years of marriage to a narcissist. You feel lonely because there is no real emotional connection. No real love or care. The narcissist loves himself first and foremost. You will always be someone to feed his need to punish, gaslight and confuse. There is no easy way out but leaving a narcissist is a fabulous feeling.

If you google "divorcing a narcissist" there are lots of resources online. NPD is now recognised as a particularly difficult divorce complication which requires specific knowledge and skills from your lawyer.

There are also a lot of personal accounts from women who have been in your situation.

I wish that these resources had existed when I went through this, but the internet hadn't yet been invented back then.

Oh, he has a diagnosis of NPD. I'm so sorry I missed that info. I am perpetually exhausted (and aging rapidly!) and I do miss a lot these days.
Funnily enough, I was just reflecting on our exchange yesterday, OP and I thought... hmm, he does sound like a narcissist, even though I'm not sure he is one. Ok, so you have the diagnosis. Well, I really really really recommend that podcast I linked you to because it's hosted by a doctor and a lawyer who both have a thorough understanding of NPD and how to divorce one. I call it 'extricating'. I really feel like I am extricating myself from my ex.

The remorse is really, really bloody hard, OP. And I deal with this all the time in emails I get from prison. But it's not totally real, I've come to believe. You have to really keep telling yourself the hard truth which is: You're divorcing because of HIS actions/choices/behaviour. Remorse changes nothing and it erases nothing. It shows a degree of insight (and maybe it's not even earnest remorse- you can never really tell with a narcissist). The truth is, his behaviour has led you to a place where you have been thrown under the bus by his actions. He didn't do the work required to protect your marriage and the family you have both made. He can't do the work. I think NPD is so sad for that reason. I think it's so very much a fixed disorder.
He's willing to let you wander off into this wilderness where financial implications and uncertainty live. You'll be fine! Believe me. You will. But wouldn't it be nice if he just could have done the work, with integrity and meaning, that might have helped make you both stronger together?
For me, it's what makes me so angry. That I married some guy whose narcissism and lack of care for others took him all the way to prison. Right before his bail conditions set in and he could still communicate with me, he would send me photos of rental properties that he was considering. They were lovely... much nicer than the home we raised our children in. I was thunderstruck. It really hit me that he didn't care. He couldn't see that he'd allowed our home to absolutely fall apart (wouldn't let me spend a penny on its upkeep) and yet here he was, in full-on 'living my best life' mode, totally unaware of the fact that he was imminently facing prison, looking for a really nice bachelor pad. It was like he couldn't wait- he was full of 'remorse' but I could see that he wasn't actually upset about what had happened to his entire family... the one who hurled a nail bomb at. It was the mother of all eye-openers. I could always sort of manage to sweep his narcissism under the rug. But once he literally left the building, it was like, I just couldn't unsee the narcissism (and so many other things). This blind woman had sight! It's very hard to see the forest for the trees when you're in the thick of it.

A