SOS. Will I be able to make sex normal in my relationship ? How can i stop being the problem.

[Bigmac999]

Sorry for too many details, but it will give you context about me and my GF. I am 38, and she is 30. I met her when she was 20, and I was 28. 10 years together own a place. However, it's been bad for ten years in the sense lot of bad has happened to us.

For example- I almost died twice in accidents, I had a total mental breakdown in 2017, and for a year could not think about sex. My GF was abused as a kid and was bullied most of her life, and broke her hip in an accident 3 months ago.
1 year ago, she told me she wanted to break up with me as she could not live with someone so bitter, she accepted a lot of bad has happened to me. Still, I had a lot of anger that she did not like(not against her by me vs the world where i was annoyed with everyone.
I love her and started working on myself every single week by doing therapy to be a better bf; my therapy is focused on my behaviour and relationship, and things improved emotionally. However, she now hurt her hip and just got surgery, so sex is out for a few months.

I want us to have sex; I don't know what can I do to have that spark. We both have baggage, so she was abused as a kid and got therapy, but she still might have issues; I can be very confident in sex 99% of the time, but there are times when I get flashbacks of my mental breakdown time, and I can't keep it up. However, that has happened twice in 1 year.
I love her and think she loves me, but sex has never been a real part of this relationship; how can I change that once she has recovered?
At times before she hurt her hip, I would ask her for sex, and she would say NO. If we did not have sex, let's say for a month or so, I would ask her could I do something different, so we do have sex, what can I change, and she would offer sex, but I won't take her offer as I felt morally wrong that she is only offering as I moaned about this issue.
There has to be a way for a hard reset, so sex has initiated both sides, we both want it, and we can enjoy it. Has anyone here had issues with this topic and recovered from it. I won't ever forget that one year I could not have sex as I was on 13 pills, including antidepressants, she did not once push me to have sex, so I always keep telling myself I owe her time. Still, even before her surgery, it has been a year since things had been good between us. What can I change, we both want this to work, and I think sex will help things.

Please ask me questions so I can clarify my story. I got dyslexia, so I am sure I jumped from point to point.

I should have added, i am asking all this once my gf has fully recovered from surgery not now.

Have you talked to her about how you feel?

I did many times and she often just said that it's been a busy day or worst, ok we can have sex now; makes me feel crap and I say no, not like this.

It's hard to say without knowing if you are picking up on her seeming genuinely reluctant when she offers but I do get the impression you are turning this into a bigger thing than it need be by turning her down whenever she agrees to it. All the "not like this" talk puts a lot of pressure on how it should be when you would perhaps be better off just going with the flow.

Oh God, it all sounds such hard work. What's the point?
A relationship is supposed to be good more than it is bad otherwise why bother?

Why are you asking her? Surely the best way to initiate is for you both to be generally close and affectionate so that the sex is a natural extension of that. I can’t imagine anything more likely to put me off than a guy asking “can we have sex now?” It doesn’t sound like you are very close at the best of times given all the struggles you’ve both endured. It might be better to cut your losses and spend time working on yourself before you get into another relationship tbh. This one sounds like hard work.

I think too much has happened for you both to turn things around OP. Ten year relationship with basically no sex and now you want to change things? TBH, it sounds like you both have a truckload of baggage you need to sort out and perhaps a fresh start with someone new would be good for both of you. You can't communicate and you don't have sex, so I'm struggling to see that this is really a relationship at all. I'd cut my losses if I were you, keep going to therapy and working on yourself and when you've sorted yourself out a bit then start tentatively dating again.

When a relationship is meant to be it isn't this hard work.