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To feel annoyed about will/dads attitude
10

Justfeelsunfair · 27/06/2022 18:48

My dad and I only see each other a few times a year. We live some distance away and there is no longer room for me when I’m up there. That’s fine however there isn’t much low cost accommodation nearby so it does make it tricky to visit regularly.

I live in a UK holiday destination. Over the years he’s been here several times. Never discussing plans in advance. Literally expecting us to drop everything with a moments notice. I’ve tried to get him to agree to when he’ll see us so we can plan but nope always last minute and usually me driving some distance to make it happen as holiday ends…..

Thinking things over I’ve come to realise my Dad is a very selfish man. Quite controlling. Uninterested in my life unless it provides something for him to boast about. No fall out but over the years I’ve given myself emotional protection by letting it all go over my head.

He has a child from another relationship. This child very close to age in my child. No issue there. I liked his partner. I admired her when she finally left him and thought she had the patience of a saint for so long. Still see the child and her when visiting. No issues.

What has annoyed me is on one of these visits he told me he was leaving this entire estate to this child as they will need the money more than me or my other sibling!

On a different visit he expressed he was disappointed neither me or my other sibling had managed to get onto the housing market. Comparing us to our siblings other siblings who are younger than us. I put him straight on that as those siblings lived at home and had childcare given by all parents and tbh it’s nearly a year ago and today driving home it hit me that I’m still bothered by those comments.

I’ve received not a penny of support from either of my parents and I left home only a couple of years older than my youngest sibling is now.

I have never had any babysitting favours let alone regular childcare. I’ve always paid my rent and the nursery bills have been crippling.

No wonder I never got the money together for a deposit. I had to take second jobs when without children to live. I put myself through uni and now earn an ok figure for me but I know friends on a lot more.

All my friends who have purchased had support of family to either live at home when saving or had inheritances/money from family. They all say they couldn’t have afforded it anyway.

Am I unreasonable to be hurt by his comments. The will I’m just more like whatever - don’t give him the satisfaction of showing him it bothered me. Inheritance isn’t a right. He can leave it to the cats if he wants. I think it’s just compounded what I’ve always know. I’ve never been important or priority even when little. Some of that money will be because my mum didn’t realise a fair divorce settlement as she fled due to DV and back then he used all the dirty tricks to make sure she got nothing.

sorry it’s long. A friends parent died recently and it’s made me examine my relationship with mine.

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Justfeelsunfair · 27/06/2022 18:51

I’m going to ask mnhq to move this to relationships as I suppose that’s the underlying upset not the money. No wonder I’ve sought the validation of selfish narcissistic men over the years - I’ve never felt “good enough” cos of my Dads constant rejecting actions. This is just the latest. Luckily I’m older and wiser and seeing it’s him not me. I’m bloody epic. Thank goodness for good friends becoming my family. You don’t keep friends for 30+ years if you are a worthless person do you?

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SnackSizeRaisin · 27/06/2022 18:53

To be honest he doesn't sound nice at all and you sound very sensible and tolerant. His comments are unkind. Is he deliberately trying to upset you? The will is unfair - any reasonable parent splits inheritance equally unless there's a disability etc.

Unfortunately we always want our parents to be nice people and it's hard to get used to the idea that they aren't. Maybe you shortly see less of him or just not see him at all

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Merryclaire · 27/06/2022 18:57

So he doesn’t think you need the money yet comments on you not being able to get on the housing ladder? That’s very contradictory.

Unfortunately he is who he is, and is unlikely to change. You have to decide if you can accept him for who he is and still allow him to be in your life, or whether you’d be happier not seeing him anymore.

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SeasonFinale · 27/06/2022 18:58

Sorry that your Dad is treating you like this. I would just say that it is inconvenient next time he fancies a holiday wants to visit your home (in a tourist area).

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AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2022 19:04

He’s a selfish unpleasant man. I wouldn’t be available next time he’s in your area and after a free holiday. He’s taking the piss out of your goodwill while adding nothing positive to your life.

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Justfeelsunfair · 27/06/2022 19:10

@SeasonFinale he always moans everytime he comes. That we can’t put him up ( erm barely enough room for us in house), the traffic ( yep welcome to our life everyday for the summer 😂) the slow service ( hello it’s not fast food, they are working their socks off, college leavers often dealing with rude grumps like him). He chooses to holiday here. It’s not to see me! When he’s been in neighbouring county he’s not even told me and I could have taken kids to see him…..

Its about the Facebook boost not the seeing us. I’m learning.

I suppose that I’ve gone low contact over the years. I’ve seen him go NC with my older sibling and very nearly fell out with him over it. He was out of order. I missed a very loved family members funeral on that occasion as sibling wasn’t welcome and I said I’m not coming either. I needed my siblings support emotionally and with the baby that was tiny. He reappeared back into my siblings life years later. Something I was relieved about in some ways as it made things so awkward when visiting. However that sibling was not in the wrong.

He puts our younger sibling and her siblings on a pedestal. Tells everyone that this sibling is the best thing that ever happened to him. I was annoyed and hurt at first ( never showed it) but then I thought wait til they find their own identity and you can’t control how they dress, what they wants off the menu, who they see etc. That time is coming! My sibling be ok as the mum is genuinely lovely and can stand up to my Dad now separated. My younger sibling whilst a bit spoilt is a nice and more like the Mum than my Dad luckily. I’m honestly not jealous of them.

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Justfeelsunfair · 27/06/2022 21:18

SnackSizeRaisin · 27/06/2022 18:53

To be honest he doesn't sound nice at all and you sound very sensible and tolerant. His comments are unkind. Is he deliberately trying to upset you? The will is unfair - any reasonable parent splits inheritance equally unless there's a disability etc.

Unfortunately we always want our parents to be nice people and it's hard to get used to the idea that they aren't. Maybe you shortly see less of him or just not see him at all

I do think he enjoys deliberately winding people up. He hates not being centre of attention

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Justfeelsunfair · 27/06/2022 21:21

Merryclaire · 27/06/2022 18:57

So he doesn’t think you need the money yet comments on you not being able to get on the housing ladder? That’s very contradictory.

Unfortunately he is who he is, and is unlikely to change. You have to decide if you can accept him for who he is and still allow him to be in your life, or whether you’d be happier not seeing him anymore.

Exactly! It makes me laugh that my step siblings ( they aren’t even that) prob saved about £1200 a month living at home and full time childcare offered. Do that for two years and you’ve got a lovely disposable. It’s about opportunity not sheer hard saving through making sacrifices!

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Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 27/06/2022 21:28

Yanbu

I dread my dad dying leaving me or my brother nothing. Its not the money.
It will be the final piece of the jigsaw that we were undeserving of love or help in our lives. Not worthy of parents.
Not a great feeling

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Justfeelsunfair · 27/06/2022 21:39

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 27/06/2022 21:28

Yanbu

I dread my dad dying leaving me or my brother nothing. Its not the money.
It will be the final piece of the jigsaw that we were undeserving of love or help in our lives. Not worthy of parents.
Not a great feeling

Yes this 100%.

I think seeing the loving close relationship my friend has with her parent that has died and supporting her remaining parent has really highlighted to me I just don’t have that with either of my parents. It’s sad but not something I can change.

I have never had their approval. I thought it was because if a mistake I made as a teen but can see that was just used as an excuse. They were like it before.

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