Just cannot get over ex

[Aperolsprizter]

Hello,
this might sound stupid and I feel pathetic, but after being broken up for 18 months I still can’t get him out of my head when I’m upset.

we were friends before for a few years - very close friends, got into a relationship and it all changed. He was cold and quite mean, deliberately did things to make me feel insecure, never did anything kind really (no cards on birthdays etc, charged me for a glass of Diet Coke at his house, made a list of my bad points and left it where my clothes were at his…). I know all this is horrible, I know i am worthy of more, I know that when I’m sad about the good times we had (we had some, we were quite similar people job, interest and outlook wise - just clearly not how we handled relationships) and recently I’ve just got this crushing feeling I’m never going to love anyone like I did him, because it was so intense and that’s why I didn’t leave. He broke up with me mid pandemic (also quite traumatic, I had a miscarriage at the end of the relationship, I’d lost my job at this point too.

anyway, I’ve tried dating and it’s been fine, I’ve had a few nice dates and a few rejections. But I can’t shake the feeling I’ll never love anyone like him. Is it because of some kind of trauma bonding? I’ve had therapy to get over the break up but I feel like there might be something else?

just wondered if anyone else had this

OP, read through your post and try to see it from outside. He was a monster. It's not just a question of "not handling relationships well". The whole range of hostility from charging you for a drink at his house, to leaving you when you miscarried. He would have destroyed you if you'd stayed together.

I'm sorry you're so sad now. It will eventually wear off, especially if you enjoy other parts of your life. Get away from reminders of him. Make new friends, take up new interests, go to different pubs/ cafes etc.

Best wishes for your future, free of this destructive man.

Sounds like Trauma Bonding - not love.

Well luckily when all this happened I’d already moved to a different place and a different job (we were long distance anyway) but compared with other peoples break ups etc my reaction now seems disproportionate - I know it is and can see that but it doesn’t help

It DOES get better. It might not feel like it now but in the years to come, he'll just be a minor blip in your life.

It was probably intense because you spent a lot of time in a state of anxiety, not knowing how to feel, how to react etc etc. Remind yourself how lucky you are to have got out of that relationship. He would be gaslighting the life out of you if you'd have still been together. I know how much it hurts though to go from good friends, to lovers, to nothing at all. It's hard but it gets better.

You need to find ways to focus on you. Do you have any hobbies? Maybe go on a few holidays if you can afford to. Spend time with friends. You are more than him and you deserve more than him.