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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this an innocent message?

42 replies

Maryland0 · 27/06/2022 10:31

Hi,

I read my partner's phone. I know I shouldn't have and it was a while ago but I did and I read something that has been on my mind ever since. I have convinced myself it is innocent because I don't want to think otherwise but actually I just don't know if it is.

So the message was to a colleague. My partner is working in another department now. The message from my partner to a colleague says "I miss you. I log into the radio sometimes just to hear you voice."

Then the colleague messages back- "I hope you miss more than just my voice..."

Partner doesnt really say much to that and the conversation moves on.

I just don't know how this sounds.

We have been having a lot of problems in our relationship and not been having sex. My partner joined a job- police that is very full on and they are obsessed with it and it is everything. My partner pretty much only cares about this job now and their work colleagues which is another problem in itself.

OP posts:

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 27/06/2022 11:45

That's a very intimate thing to say to just a colleague. All the anti cheating stuff could be protesting too much.

Shitscared123 · 27/06/2022 12:00

Yeah I agree - very initimate and suggests infatuation, time spent ruminating about the person and their voice, seeking out their voice. Naaah not innocent (given the other behaviours mentioned).

itwasntmetho · 27/06/2022 12:07

Agree with others, he's not a keeper. I understand why you blocked it out though, it's draining starting over.

knittingaddict · 27/06/2022 12:10

Maryland0 · 27/06/2022 10:38

My partner is very sanctimonious about cheating and will constantly talk about how they would never cheat.
I was cheated on so many times in my past relationship and I just don't want to go through that again.
I really have convinced myself somehow that this could be innocent.
I read so much about police cheating but my partner is so insistent they are not like that.

Red flag right there. Why would he need to keep saying that?

My husband has never had to say that he wouldn't cheat in 35 years. I know him well enough to know what his moral code is.

YouAreNotBatman · 27/06/2022 12:23

AngelHead · 27/06/2022 10:51

My friend's DP was always going off, unprompted, on how he hates cheaters, would never cheat, could not understand how anyone could betray like this... and guess what? He went off and cheated on her multiple times.

So many times I’ve seen/heard this.
It’s almost like a chapter from cheaters book:
Tell your prtner how much you hate cheating/cheaters…..
And then cheat.

Spudlet · 27/06/2022 12:31

Sometimes I read these sorts of threads and I kind of think that the op is perhaps overreacting a little, and that there may be an innocent explanation, and that leaping straight to a conclusion of cheating is a bit hasty. This is not one of those times. I’m so sorry op.

Original poster

Maryland0 · 27/06/2022 12:37

I am such a fool.
I didnt read this last week or anything. It was months ago and I have just blocked it out because I don't want to think about the reality.

I just don't know what do now. Its easy to say leave and if I was outside I would say that myself. But the thought of starting over again. I will lose the mutual friends we have and I will be alone again.
I feel like I posted for people to say I was overreacting but I know that was naive.

OP posts:

SpeckledlyHen · 27/06/2022 12:44

This is so sad, but honestly from what you have typed it sounds like you are pretty alone now already. It sounds like a lodger relationship rather than a partner. I could not live under the same roof with someone who was so obviously cheating or in an emotional affair with someone else. Even if you carry on as you are for now one day it will come to a head and he will leave the relationship or you will. I guess it just depends when you are ready to tackle it but I know in that situation I would rather be on my own than in a false relationship.

Herejustforthisone · 27/06/2022 12:56

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Absolutely nothing innocent about that message. Nothing. He’s already checked out. He’s already cheated. His sanctimonious standpoint on cheating is a bluff to throw you off the scent.

Marineboy67 · 27/06/2022 13:01

Rather than be dreading starting of starting over for a third time. I'd be dreading carrying on life with a cheater.

HollowTalk · 27/06/2022 13:04

Thank god you earn more and would keep the house. I'm so glad you don't have a child with him.

I would just move on from him, tbh. There's no point hanging around to wait for him to leave of his own accord.

MumE78 · 27/06/2022 13:13

Curious if you read this months ago, have you checked recently?

Problem is once that seed of doubt is there it never goes away.... you need to find out one way or the other.

Do you know her at all?

MzHz · 27/06/2022 13:39

Maryland0 · 27/06/2022 12:37

I am such a fool.
I didnt read this last week or anything. It was months ago and I have just blocked it out because I don't want to think about the reality.

(Kindly) woman up!

he cheats on you and you think mutual friends will side with him? Then tbh they are not friends you want in your life

boot him out and grieve for the relationship you should have had, then move on.

this isn’t something you have done, it’s him.

take some time out, learn about your self and find the love for yourself you’re going to need to never find yourself in this situation again.

boundaries my love, boundaries will protect you in the future.

GreenClock · 27/06/2022 13:48

You’re not “a fool” for having been cheated on. Plenty of intelligent and successful women and men have suffered infidelity. Don’t let it affect your self-esteem … it isn’t about you.

You’d be a fool to persevere in this relationship though. It’s moribund. See a solicitor this week if you can, then talk to your husband when you know where you stand.

Good Luck OP

hellobeautifulsoul · 27/06/2022 14:05

Hi OP!

I don't know if this helps your situation, but when me and my current partner got together we both expressed how awful we thought cheating was and we both agreed if the other ever did then the relationship would definitely be over. He said it isn't what he believes in etc.

Fast forward years and years and I found out he had a short affair. I was 100% leaving but somehow we managed to work through it (we have 2 children) it's taken a lot of work on his end and I would often check his phone at the start, I don't anymore because I decided if I was going to stay then I had to stop doing it and if I ever felt like I needed to again then I would leave.

If I ever saw something I was worried about I would ask him and say hey, I saw this on your phone as I was doing so and so, and it's worried me a bit. Can you put my mind at rest and explain the situation for me? Something like that. It never ended in arguments because I wasn't accusing and I would ask because i needed the reassurance.

I think you'll be going mad over this for the foreseeable if you don't ask your partner about it. If you decide to ask then try not to be throwing accusations as it can get their back up and you'll tend to get more info out of them taking a chilled approach.

Not everyone will agree with me, and to be honest I wouldn't blame them haha.

Good luck!

gingersplodgecat · 27/06/2022 14:17

AngelHead · 27/06/2022 10:51

Cheating on the mind, obviously, and providing themselves with a smokescreen.

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/06/2022 15:46

I would never ever date somebody in the police service. It's a hotbed of cheaters. I speak from experience of my own and others. I think you need to get out of this relationship because living with that seed of doubt in the back of your mind will eat away at you.

There's nothing wrong with being alone and settling with somebody who, by your own description, is not invested in the relationship and who you don't have sex with, is cheating yourself.

I'd recommend The Freedom Programme.

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