We cannot agree he's confusing me!

[mistymoo555]

Title I hope matches this issue...we moved to another area mainly for DH job about 20 miles away from our home town, far enough to feel like it's not a part of our lives anymore, I miss the area, rhe people are a lot friendlier and I am seriously considering going bk but he is not at all, thinks I'm stupid as his pov, it's a rough area. The estate were on now is virtually the same as the last except a lot less families and difference is here its more rural so there isn't a lot going on imv, I can't walk to town as there ain't a lot there and it's a fair walk, no decent parks to walk to for dc and the ones there are pretty much dead or parents jjsy aren't as friendly compared to where we lived. Our old town is more mixed range of people, cultures and lives, and there are poorer surrounding areas so it is rougher but I never had many issues in the time we were there, here it's more professionals but I'm struggling to feel like I fit in, I woke PT and have a good PT work but it's not a professional role, due to no family support with DC I've had to take a backseat work wise whjch is very hard as don't enjoy my work and would've preferred a differnt careee but atm It can't be any other way atm as his jobs very demanding and he is not great with DC. I am struggling to make mum friends for my DC sake and my own, people aren't that friendly here jjsy differnt minded if that makes sense and they appear to have very strong family and friends of their own so I don't think they feel the need to make friends as much here, I feel like I need a differnt mix of people around me for us to create more of a life. He doesn't agree on moving thinks it's a mistake as it's a better area here, I just feel torn it's a strong feeling as I know I just don't feel like it gels here for me or DC. Im such a sociable person he isn't so he just doesn't understand. Hard to explain what I mean!!

How long have you been there ?

Just over 5 yrs now mainly for his job as he needed to be within a timeframe in case of emergencies, but he had to change jobs 1.4 yrs ago and is working closer to where we lived ironically! I undertand where he's coming from it's just difficult more for me as I have more fond memories and just generally the people are a lot friendlier and it's a much bigger area in terms of people, this is a smaller town but it is in a nice area. It's driving me batty. I found one friend on our estate but then she moved just recently as they didn't feel it was family friendly enough either but also as their home wasn't big enough. We could move to the other side of town but I'm just so unsure if it'll make much difference and do not want to have to move again can't afford either!! I don't want to make this a massive issue but it's just very differnt for me, you don't see as many older kids out either like where my old town is my friend says some teens do go out more there so that's not changed mucu just don't want DC isolated, I think perhaps the other side is better on the new estate but it's only been built 2 yrs ago so after we moved here and no houses for sale there atm, def something we need to consider in the next few yrs I think If I still feel so strongly which I think I will. My friend says she prefers it that side too as more people she relates to/similar to our characters and position in life.

The new area sounds much nicer than the old estate but it does sound like you just haven’t adapted to it. what do you mean by ‘similar to our characters and position in life’? Did you grow up on the old estate?

Twenty miles isn’t that far. Can you not maintain the old friendships and still go to the old places you liked to visit?

@Herejustforthisone Yes I grew up there so I have a lot of fond memories, children are out more there as there are generally more shams than there are here, most work full time here or part time, not met many PT mums and no sahms here except my friend that moved. My friend adores her children she loves being a mum, it's eveyhrjng to her and it's her life, there are app more sahms her side of town, I love my DC and wish I could spend more time with her as my mum did with me & DS as she was a sahm, that's another thing I find difficult also atm, working is healthy as I do need a break, I work 3 days, 1 day off I spend with DC and the other to get paperwork, jobs done as she's quite clingy but wish I could take another day with her. I jjsy don't think I fit in to the bigger house, professional area bracket, I would've been quite happy with more children and a smaller home and more time with my children but DH likes his stuff and has struggled with family life, it's just not him, I only have one but always wanted another, I'm opening up a can of worms but I'm really unsure about how my life is heading in all directions atm it's so hard

@Herejustforthisone sorry missed your Q, I'm not a professional, I know I could've done well In a hands on career but I have no support so I've had to do work thst fits aroinf my personal life so I can always be here for DC, I'm not a high earner, I'm trying my best with my job area but it doesn't come naturally to me, I'm so creative like my friend but it's hard to fit any type of sociable role aroinf family, DH not coping around DC as well as I'd hoped so I have to be here more. I see my old best friend there as often as I can but it's about 6 wks, so not that frequently, soon as I'm there I feel like I'm home! And I get sad going back to where I live 😣

Tbh I'm struggling with the whole lot atm, it's not turned out as I hoped at all, it's so hard. He falls asleep by 8.30-9 every nt and try talk to him just about DC new bedroom ideas, not int, told me he needs some peace! I said this is not how I expected Fam life to be, maybe I'm being too idealistic just feel disillusioned. Feel a pull back with almost a need to start a fresh maybe on my own and put all my enegry in to DC. It's ok atm she's going to be at 8, but what will he be like when she's up later as she gets older I don't know, sorry I've digressed totally off subject. Due to our differences atm it's a big thing to move I just wish I was not in this limbo situation I feel like my heads spinning, I think I need to seek a counsellor to talk to about the whole lot tbh 😰

On paper it's a better area, the schools are rated the same as the other town except the high school here is better than most in the prev town. I've gone back to my old town parks a few times and spent hours there, just meet so many more people who jjsy love to talk and I never want us to leave, that does not happen here, it happened once here, most parents here either don't want to talk or don't seem to be able to or there is no one here as there are so few passing families compared to the other area as the towns so much bigger. I know if I go back there primary and Middle school will be fine but she'll have to navigate some characters but not a bad thing, but high school does worry me as the feeder high school to our lovely old estate is terrible! I can apply to the next closest whjch would be oustanding but she possibly wouldn't get in, total gamble and could affect her end results, talking quite some time away but it's not changed in last 15 yrs so it's not likely to change. I could walk to town from there as there are many more shops there we use even now but I drive as we have to from here but when she's bigger if we lived there it'd be nice to walk instead of using the car all the time!! Driving me potty

The new area sounds much nicer than the old estate but it does sound like you just haven’t adapted to it

Ummmm - with respect, how does it sound nicer? All OP says is that her husband thinks the other place is rougher and that their new place is further from town and doesn't have any parks nearby.

I think five years is enough settling. If it can be done, talk to your husband about moving closer. Although, I have to say, it doesn't sound like he much cares about your happiness or opinion.

To me it sounds like your partner doesn't listen to you (or care). You're allowed to have wants and needs, like having conversations with your partner in the evenings and liking where you live. Is he always so happy to have his cake and eat it too while continuously convincing you that your feelings don't matter?

I'm sorry I don't have any advice on how you can get through to him but I would definitely recommend starting to do work on setting your own boundaries. If he's not going to be on your team, you need to be on your own team and know that what you want matters too. I hope you can find a way to build a life that is satisfying for both of you.

Thank you both for the last 2 replies much appreciated!! I think because it's surrounded by fields and not got a few ex council estates nearby this is why DP and the other poster think it's nicer but when you expected it to have more families and there just isn't and there are parks here but they're just dead or the people aren't int to talk, it's a family house estate, full of 3-4 bed properties and don't get me wrong it's safe to walk round but there is just this weird issue of people jjsy not being that friendly in my view from what I've experienced. My friend who moved for this reason thinks they're just a differnt kettle of fish in sense they just aren't that chatty, I'm from more north of town and my fiends from Manchester were chatty ladies but find it more closed shop here esp this side of town, it's regarded as one of the better estates app not that I am bothered, we moved to this area as we had to for DP job back then and the houses we liked best was on this estate, it's pretty etc but yeah just feels so strange and cut off. He isn't a huge socialiser so to him this issue of mines way down his list of concerns but I feel peed off he's telling me do what you want but when I start looking he keeps telling me I'm making a mistake but you crack on! I feel so confused. I know so many people that still live there and have abs no issues! I get it has a better high school and it's prob deemed a less area or maybe I'm overelooking these things as less imp and I shouldn't be...🤦‍♀️

If this helps, DP always likes and frrls the need to have the overriding say and that's on most things, as he earns more I think he feels that abs justified, I feel like I don't know if that's right as I know I do not earn anywhere near what he does and this is my issue but surely we should agree and if we don't it shows we clearly have differnt views on life. Tbh I'm coming to realise on a few levels we aren't best suited it's a nightmare as we have a young DC and he wants to share 50/50 if we part and the idea of that is so hard to accept but think we're on a slipppery slope, I'm trying to make this work best I can before I call time on it and I really am. I came from this area and I know many people that have done very well, some well and some not so but the not sos are mostly those from not great supportive families which is what I want to provide I feel like most of us don't know what we want to do until we even leave school and it's more when we either go on to college that we figure it out or go in to work and then get on the right path via further Ed or apprenticeships meaning the school issues isn't a big issue to me at least that's my POV but not everyone will agree, I think we need to have a social life and a life also not just a massive pressure on education, up to 16 is the only time you relay get to enjoy yourself of course I don't want her off the rails but as long as the few core subjects she tried her best with she should be fine after then as we can help guide her if she wants thst

Also had to be said, turned out to be type of bloke that needs to do all the diy and painting decorating, his job is managing and telling people how to do their jobs so there is def an element of wanting to be in control but it's a bit suffocating, I've become so indoendent and I love diy whjch he moans he isn't bothered about doing but at same time hasn't offered to show me how to do it and let me crack on either, my issues bigger than just where we live I realise this but it's just so much atm to get my head around