Bit of background, my whole family (mum, dad, brother, sister, cousin) live very close and we've always been close.
Since I had DS1 17 months ago a lot of things have come up that are quite painful. I had a pretty awful childhood, my parents divorced very messily when I was about 5 and the trouble carried on from there. My mother left us and was generally a complete PITA and my dad and stepmum got custody. I didn't really have a good relationship with my parents (dad and stepmum) until I left home at 18. They've mellowed out a lot since then.
Anyway, after DS1 was born, they had very strong opinions about leaving him to cry and bottle feeding. I refused to do either but I think they took it personally. They came on very strong about all of it and it made me quite depressed to have everything I did constantly criticised or ridiculed.
My dad won?t talk about anything past and my Gran died a year ago so all the questions having a baby throws up about your own childhood I can only ask my mother. I?ve recently got back in touch with her after 8 years of no-contact (she really isn?t the most sane of people) but my parents are making it very difficult for me; if I see her they go on and on about it and how stupid I am to bother. If I see her without telling them I feel awful.
I?m pregnant again and am dreading another round of criticism. However, I?m starting to wonder if they aren?t trying a different tack this time. I was really ill around the time I got pregnant and I don?t feel like I?ve ever quite got back on my feet, and that combined with constant nausea, tiredness, insomnia and a very boisterous 17 month old and I find I?m really struggling some days. My parents don?t ask how I am and when I tell them I?m finding it hard they just ignore it.
They haven?t spent any real time with DS for literally months. They don?t offer to help and they don?t seem to care what?s going on with us. Over Christmas we felt completely pushed out; the whole set up was completely baby un-friendly and it felt like no concessions were made for us having such a young child there. When I do see them if I try to talk to them while DS is there they completely ignore me. And now things are not too great as my mum told everyone I was pregnant even though she was told not to. To be fair, it?s almost as if they?re just clueless, as opposed to being malicious. I think they might have forgotten what its like to have small children.
At the weekend my sister?s boyfriend woke the whole house up phoning at 4am. We both had to be up at 7am as DP was working and we couldn?t get back to sleep. Sister had fallen over pissed and grazed her chin but was fine. When I spoke to parents later in the day I was feeling exhausted, sick and dizzy with lack of sleep, and left on my own with DS1 all Saturday. Nothing was said, they didn?t offer to take him off my hands for even an hour or so. But when I said my sister had fallen they were straight on to see if she was ok. I wouldn?t mind but when I had to be rushed to hospital a few months back because I had a kidney problem and could hardly walk my sister wouldn?t help out with DS because she was going shopping, so DP had to miss work and lose a day?s wages. And my parents sided with her about that too.
I know it sounds like a lot of whining but I feel like having a baby has really damaged my relationship with my parents and I don?t know what to do about it. I know I need to lower my expectations and not assume they will help/show concern/want to spend time with DS - but that?s not a great state of affairs, is it? I wonder if they don?t even realise how much things they have done/said have upset me, but when I do get upset they tend to just stand back and observe in silence until I sort myself out, which I find really odd. I do wonder if they might be trying to prove a point though, as when DS was 7 weeks old my dad said I was isolating people by not listening to advice and that people were going to stop bothering with me and "leave me to it".
Sorry, it didn?t turn out to be that short or as ?to the point? as I wanted! But has anyone else found having a family has ruined things with parents? And what can be done to sort it out?