I want a baby before it’s too late

[Sandrasea23]

Touchy subject here so please be gentle.
i have a DS9 from previous relationship and dp has a dd6 from previous relationship. I’ve made it clear from the start I want at least one more child and he said he does too.
the issue is that our time frame is different. I’m 34 with endo, pcos and thyroid issues. I also come from a line of women who had their menopause from 38. I told dp if we are going to have a child together we can’t wait about as it may take years of trying and never happen. In an ideal world we’d be married first but he doesn’t want to rush things and said he’d like a wedding in 2/3 years and then a baby. This doesn’t work for me. We have been together for 18 months and I’m ready now although I appreciate to some it may be too soon into a new relationship. My final cut off is 36 and if it doesn’t happen then I will have to accept I won’t have any more children. I’m heartbroken at the thought it may not happen either due to timeline differences or because I can’t conceive. I know it’s the stress talking but I’m angry with dp even though he’s being sensible he knows I’m on a schedule as such and not considering my feelings. I don’t want us to split and I can’t force him to want a baby right now. If I left I wouldn’t meet someone in time to have a baby anyway so my chances are slim already. I’m scared to give up my dream of having another child. I could really do with some kind words of encouragement please.

In an ideal world we’d be married first but he doesn’t want to rush things and said he’d like a wedding in 2/3 years and then a baby. This doesn’t work for me.

Have you told him that?

His timeline puts you at potentially 37 before you even start ttc. 9 months to get it if you conceive straight away. He knows that’s not realistic.

There are loads of wider considerations - are you living together, how much do you each see your DC, how do you all get on in various combinations, did he want another DC before meeting you etc etc. It sounds like he wants to take things pretty slowly but combining existing children takes precedence over making another one, perhaps he’s not that committed yet or wants to see how things progress.

I really feel for you. You have to decide if you want a baby more than you want him.

Thank you for reading and giving advice
we do live together, my ds is here full time and we have his dd every other weekend. I told him how I felt early on and he was understanding and said he’d be happy to have a baby when we’re serious and living together. I don’t think he’s backing out he just want to go slow as you say, but he’s also aware it’s not realistic for me. I may be lucky and fall very easily but I may not. I don’t want to pressure him as I’m essentially telling him we ttc now or he leaves otherwise and he’s free to make his own choices. I just can’t get the thought of a baby from my mind. I’m in the bath now crying as I didn’t want him to see me in bed like this. Do I give an ultimatum or wait until later in the year? I’m so confused

Hoping this would help. There is no reason to get married first and then have a baby. These days of the “right order” are long gone IMO.
I think you need to make it crystal clear to him and then he can make an informed choice (and so can you). I was in a similar situation though no previous children or divorce. I was 36 and was with my partner for about 18 months /2 years. I had a long fibroids issues and doctors were not sure if I would be fertile until I started trying. So I told my partner that I wanted to start trying and this was my priority and he needs to decide if he’s in or out. He chose to be in. We have gorgeous children and got married when our first child was 18 months. He said that if I hadn’t pushed him for a decision, he would’ve taken years to move to the next step and he said it was the best decision he ever made. I hope you’ll be in the same situation. Good luck !

I’m really sorry you’re feeling so low 💐

I don’t think an ultimatum is the answer. Don’t have a child with someone who’s anything less than enthusiastically up for it, it’s not fair on you or the baby. You’ve done it before, you know what it’s like and how babies can show up existing cracks in relationships. You’ve both had children and are no longer with their other parent. In blended family terms it’s still relatively early days. Would you trust he’d have both feet in rather than just didn’t want you to leave him? That he’d support you and stick with it if you struggled or had issues, or if you conceived right away and he was shocked? What if he agreed now to ttc next month but changed his mind at Christmas?

It sounds like you know it isn’t what he wants at the moment and he won’t change his mind in time to match your schedule. So as it’s you who wants to change things while he wants them to stay the same, it’s fairer for you to tell him you’re going in different directions. I know you love him and it’s more upheaval to split up and one of you move out but at least its 18 months in rather than many years and any chance of having another baby is behind you.

Would you consider using a sperm donor.
You already have one child not biologically his, so you could have another.
Then if you stay together, all good, if not, at least you have your second child.
Id never let a man decide how many children I have.