Should I/ Can I?

[Poppy2610]

My husband walked out of the family home four months ago and it quickly transpired that he was having an affair at work. (Still working but no contact with AP to my knowledge.) Affair stopped. AP initially left husband. My husband said that he wanted to make our family work etc but I refused to take him back on the grounds that I hugely felt that he was only doing so for our DC. He lived in an apartment for four months and in that time, as far as I’m aware, didn’t contact AP.
Present day: husband is declaring his undying love for me. How he wants us to be together - I’m now amazing, planning trips etc. You get the gist yet inside all I’m thinking is that I will never feel safe in our marriage again.
Prior to the affair discovery, my DH had been incredibly intolerant of me and grew to be impatient with DC. But now he wants to be the happy family man again. Will I ever get that over this huge loss and be able to feel secure in our marriage?

No I don't think you will, he's a dick

Once the trust is gone, it's gone.
It might be ok at first when he's trying hard then after a while, he stops appreciating you because he's a dick.
Stick to what you want, don't give into him.

You say the AP left him. So he's only coming back because she doesn't want him?

I wouldn't take him back. Do you really think you could trust him again? He still works with her so the temptation is very much there. How sure are you that he hasn't had contact with her?

To me, it seems like he got dumped by the other woman and now sees that his only option is to return and be the family man again.

No. Tell him to fuck off.

It would only work if you could genuinely forget the affair had ever happened and regain the trust you had in him previously. That's a very difficult thing to do, which is why so few people go back. It can work if you really want it though, but only you will know if you can genuinely move on from the affair. I personally couldn't in this situation, but I'm not you. Good luck whatever you decide

Id need a lot more then flattery.
Id need complete transparency and also to feel he really understood what happened and why he looked elsewhere and why it would be different this time. Id also need acknowledgment of how unkind he was to you and the children when his head and heart were elsewhere and how hard this is for you to forget. Id need some understanding from him as to how it all gets acknowledged and then how to move forward-the answer isn't that you just shut up and forget everything and aren't allowed to mention it again. He needs to understand jts going to take YEARS of effort to make you feel safe again.

I think 16 weeks elsewhere is perhaps not long enough. They all say they are no longer in touch with AP. But i think it takes longer to see how things go.

If he comes home i'd say its 50/50 as to whether he leaves again and ends up with her. Whats better for DC. Them continuing to get used to dad outside the home or him coming back and going again. The latter would be devastating for them.

I think I could learn to trust again but from what you say I can’t believe he has suddenly changed and will love and respect you and turn into a great Dad.
he’s just lovely and realised he’s thrown away a good life

Some people can learn to trust again and some cheaters do realise the stupidity of their actions and remain loyal but in most cases because people don't truly do all the necessary work to fix their relationship and resolve the root of the issues that led to cheating.. in time they end up cheating again or the suspicions restart. It would take a lot of work and commitment on both your parts.

To add...:
Even then when you've decided to work on things, because change is hard, there will be bumps in the road and there will be wobbly moments it won't be a perfect smooth journey. I think it's actually harder (emotionally) to stay and make it work than break up and move on.

He does love dicking you around doesn't he?

He came back because the OW dumped him.

I'm a bit surprised you're considering getting back with him to be honest

Nope. Keep well away.

You don't (and shouldn't) trust him.

Don't fall for his crap.

No, don't do it to yourself.

it's sad, but he's destroyed your trust & you will never feel safe & secure in your marriage again.

she dumped him. Returning to you & the kids is a return to the comfortable, easy life, not undying love for you. It keeps all your assets together & he gets to live in the family home.

do not do it to yourself, it's soul destroying & neither will your kids thank you for it (not in the future).