think I’m happier when DH away - is this the end?

[balladofdorothyparker]

DH just back from a big work trip where he was away for 2 weeks. We have 4DC ranging from 9 to 17.

Obviously, running the house (I work too, though my job is fairly flexible) and coping solely with the kids while he was away was a bit exhausting, but we managed. DH is a pretty hands-on dad, does lots of school runs, cooking and housework etc. I’m grateful for that.

However, if I’m honest, our marriage hasn’t been in the greatest of places for a few years. Nothing majorly wrong, but we’ve had our fair share of stress that’s impacted on our relationship. He is affectionate much of the time, but also often grumpy and irritable - with me and the kids. We all feel like we are treading on eggshells.

He’s been back 48 hours, already there have been a couple of rows between us all. Not necessarily his ‘fault’, but I can’t help but notice how different it was when he was away. I felt calmer and more relaxed, the kids behaved better. Not great, is it?

anyone been where I am? Words of wisdom much appreciated. I just feel so sad right now.

Sounds like there are lots of positives in uour relationship too

I think its normal to feel how you do. The last few years, we have all lives in each other's pockets and space is good

Perhaps some honest chat. Tell him how you feel. He needs to know how his mood affects the kids

I've been in your DHs position. It's hard to get used to being away on your own and only having to worry/think about yourself to then have to slot right back into family life straight away. Especially when the family has been running fine without you.

It sounds to me like everyone just needs some time to get used to each other again.

It's not necessarily the end - but it might be. You don't have that answer yet.

You've described a marriage with some really strong points (he pulls his weight, you had a great time as a couple) - but one element that's on the way to ruining it for you. If you and your children are walking on eggshells every day that is absolutely a legitimate reason to end things because you shouldn't have to live like that and they shouldn't have to grow up like that.

But it does sound fixable - like he's just tipped over into default irritability rather than intentionally trying to control you. But the fix has to come from him. He has to realise that he's behaving in a way that could end his marriage and he has to change that himself. You can't change him.

What you can do is communicate. Yes, you've tried, he bats you off. But you have to make this a come-to-Jesus moment where he realises how serious it is. If he complains you're being critical, you can say, YES, I am, because you need to change how you treat me and your children. Tell him that it's on the way to being a deal-breaker, tell him you can't live walking on eggshells.

I also think it's important to offer support. This doesn't mean it's your responsibility to fix him, but when anyone is going through stress (and yes, for some time afterwards as well, mental health doesn't just snap back after you've stretched it to the limit) it's not easy to modify patterns of behaviour. Professional counselling may help him. Or it may be as simple as encouraging him to let his stress out in a calmer way like exercise.

If he doubles down and refuses to change how he acts after all that, then that will be the end, and you have to acknowledge to yourself that this is a possible scenario and be prepared to act on it.

What Gunpowder said. Especially if your H is a bit of a man-child and actually takes more from your partnership than he gives.

How are things now OP? Feel in a similar situation and curious to know how things went

what @gannett said.

How bad is “losing his temper” resulting in you walking on eggshells?

I lived this and I minimised how bad it was, even as I was leaving. In my case it was rude, stonewalling, contemptuous, snappy, with periodic (every 1-2 month) proper rages.

In between there was no affection, no joy in each other’s company, very little sex - maybe once a month. I was 41 when I left, and it was a 2 week work trip away where I didn’t miss him AT ALL and he was enraged at me going (how dare the live in drudge inconvenience him).

Back then I would have said he was an involved & loving dad but now all the emotional scaffolding I built around him has been removed it’s apparent he’s pretty shit. He didn’t show up to DD5’s first day at school because I didn’t tell him to 🥺

oops didn’t realise this was a year old!