think I’m happier when DH away - is this the end?

[balladofdorothyparker]

DH just back from a big work trip where he was away for 2 weeks. We have 4DC ranging from 9 to 17.

Obviously, running the house (I work too, though my job is fairly flexible) and coping solely with the kids while he was away was a bit exhausting, but we managed. DH is a pretty hands-on dad, does lots of school runs, cooking and housework etc. I’m grateful for that.

However, if I’m honest, our marriage hasn’t been in the greatest of places for a few years. Nothing majorly wrong, but we’ve had our fair share of stress that’s impacted on our relationship. He is affectionate much of the time, but also often grumpy and irritable - with me and the kids. We all feel like we are treading on eggshells.

He’s been back 48 hours, already there have been a couple of rows between us all. Not necessarily his ‘fault’, but I can’t help but notice how different it was when he was away. I felt calmer and more relaxed, the kids behaved better. Not great, is it?

anyone been where I am? Words of wisdom much appreciated. I just feel so sad right now.

Yes, but I can't offer any advice as I'm still there.

I remember years ago missing him when he was away, and feeling excited when he pulled up on the drive. These days (probably for the last 5 years plus) I feel excited when he leaves.

I’d say that if you’re going to go, go now while the kids are younger. You’ll get more in the settlement.

My SIL is very like you. I'm afraid all she did was build her own life without him but still married. I don't think she's very happy. And now the DC are older, they're left in the house looking at each other.

@hellcatspangle - it’s difficult isn’t it? He sent me no end of affectionate ‘love you/miss you and the kids so much’ type messages when he was gone. I’m not sure I really missed him though. I actually felt calmer and lighter. Tired as a result of running the ship all by myself, but pleased not to be around his grumpy irritable moods.

He’s a good man in lots of ways. I don’t know if I’m still recovering from what have been a challenging few years for us as a couple, and this affects how I feel in his absence - or if this is actually a very bad sign…

@MrsTerryPratchett - does she talk to you about it? I think most of our close friends and family think we’re a happy, rock solid couple, which makes things even worse in some ways

Do you picture what life will be like once the kids have left home and it's just the two of you? What about when he retires? Do you want to get old with him?

Do you do anything together? Go for meals out alone or something similar?

What about your kids? Are they more relaxed without him around?

I felt similar. Hands on Dad but left a lot to me. He gradually withdrew from me, less affection, stopped choosing to spend time with me. I found myself weighing up whether the amount of work he created for me (he is messy and I felt I was always cleaning up after him) outweighed what he contributed to the house.
In the end, I couldn’t stand him. He moved out. I don’t miss him. Every day I find myself thinking “I’m glad you don’t live here any more”. I only have one child, DD and I have found our new rhythm. It’s harder financially - even with maintenance it’s tight. I also find it hard to make big decisions on my own - I got used to deciding things together - or more accurately I got used to him saying what he didn’t want and having to work round it!
The one thing I found helpful was having individual counselling. She helped me remember who I am as an individual and decide what I wanted.

does she talk to you about it?

She used to. Then she decided to put up and shut up, got very resentful and angry and manufactured a fight with DH so she could flounce for months. <sigh>

Have you tried finding out why he’s acting like this? If he is hands on as you say and not a bad person.
he may be stressed and not realise how he’s taking it out on you.

I’d try and give it a chance tbh

@PerfectlyQuiet - hmm, tricky. When we are getting on, it’s great. My mum looked after the kids for a weekend a few months ago, we went away and had a fabulous time. He’s kind and clever. However, the thought of kids leaving home scares me a bit tbh. Not sure if that’s his fault, though.

For a different perspective on this: we're a military family so most families I know know this - life is easier with one adult. Who knows why, it defies logic, but it just is. You and the kids get on with it, you don't have to deal with someone else's opinion, you just run your little castle and life is good. And then the other adult comes back, and they're an idiot. They want to do things differently, they're in the way, they have annoying opinions. You weren't pleased enough to see them but why should you be pleased? They've been off on a nice time and you have been BUSY.

Nothing you've described sounds weird or disastrous to me. Maybe your marriage is on the rocks, but maybe you just glimpsed the one-man life for a bit. Whenever my husband gets back, I'm like....whennnnn are you going again, please? But it always settles down. Life resumes.

You've made your husband sound pretty nice. Four kids and full time jobs sounds hard work. Maybe this is just a rough season for you two.

@DomPerignon12 @ThisWormHasTurned - thanks for your thoughts. He hasn’t withdrawn affection towards me - it’s more that he’s become more irritable and grumpy generally. Loses his temper more easily etc. A year ago I would have put this down to stress (he lost his job and had some issues surrounding his parents). Things have improved a lot on all counts but it’s like he can’t shake the short fuse in day to day terms, and it’s making me unhappy.

This

and maybe think about some couples therapy to see if you can (together) put your finger on where the disconnect is, and then see if you can (together) fix it

@Duttercup - that’s a really interesting perspective, thank you. So interesting. I think I feel thrown because I thought we’d experience some ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ stuff on the back of this work trip, particularly because we have had a rough couple of years and things have just started to improve. Instead, I feel back to square one!

Have you properly talked to him about how his moods make you feel?

Another military family here and yes, this. 100% this!

@YRGAM - I have tried, but then he accuses me of ‘being critical’, which I suppose I am. Don’t get me wrong - he can be really great fun, for me and the kids, when he wants to be. It’s more that he gets cross about minor shit so, so quickly. He’s always telling the kids off - I don’t think he realises how wearing it is to be around.

I think what @Duttercup says is very true.

I've had times when it felt easier for DH to be away but this changes depending on how things are emotionally. He's away now and I wish he was here.

I feel like this a lot also. Dh doesn’t work away but I’m at home every day with Dd and it’s just so much easier/more relaxed than at weekends…I look forward to a Monday morning

This has been one of the issues with us...I feel like every time he's thrown a strop over some minor thing, a little bit of love has died.

I think this is just some men as they get older. My DH is great but he niggles at the mutts & sucks joy out of things. I'm getting less tolerant of this as I get older.

If you're the age for menopause, your bs tolerance might be lower too.

I would go and have some counselling, individually and together. People change, you have both had a lot of stress, counselling can help clear some of the bad stuff out to make room for good new stuff.

Some people have second marriage, to the same person. Go and talk to someone and good luck!

I dreaded my ex husband going away in the early days but, like you, found it was easier when he wasn’t around. He often created more work for me through his thoughtlessness or because anything that wasn’t his work was low priority.

But he didn’t care for me much either as the years rolled on, leaving for trips without saying goodbye, once went to India for over a week and didn’t call me once. He was also a workaholic. And we didn’t have sex. So it sounds like we had a lot more going wrong than you, OP

I feel exactly the same OP. The whole house is just so much calmer when DH is away. He seems to be getting grumpier with age, and we feel we’re walking on eggshells when he’s home. I find myself looking forward to him leaving, and dreading his return ☹️

No words of advice I’m afraid, just a bit of solidarity.

I also have 4DC and have this too. Yes it’s tiring doing things alone but there is no expecting someone to help you and feeling let down when they don’t, and no dealing with someone else’s moods or ‘managing them’.