Self-destructing after separation

[Chaffinch2022]

DH left me six months ago. I had thought we were still working on things so for him to walk away when he did really hit me like a train. The physical pain those first few days was so unbearable I honestly thought I would die.

Six months later I'm doing fine on a day-to-day basis. I get up, walk the dog, go to work, see friends, family etc. Stay positive. Don't think about him too often.

I'm not looking for another relationship yet but have been approached by several perfectly "nice" men wanting to date me but who aren't really the type I see myself with. I've been flattered but not particularly interested, and I also feel they want more from me than I'm in a position to offer. I have nothing to "give" basically, as it's too soon.

Until this guy comes along. Typical commitment-phobe with all the charm, mystery, wit etc. Unbelievable chemistry, like nothing I've ever experienced. Tells me from day 1 that he isn't looking to date me. We flirt for two months and then he leaves, as he always said he would.

I am bereft. I feel like I've lost everything again. I always told myself I wouldn't let him get inside my head yet here I am, feeling like I was insufficient, undeserving etc. That I wasn't "enough" to make him stay. In some ways the pain is almost like losing DH, as ridiculous as that sounds.

Help me. How do I get through this? How do I stop replaying everything in my mind, thinking of ways I could have been enough to make him stay? How do I stop the voice in my head telling me I've had all my opportunities now?

I have my self-care lists. Eat well, sleep, see friends, family, get out and "do" things etc. Focus on work, maybe start swimming again blah blah blah.

But I can't help but think...what's the fucking point? Like, so what? At the end of it I'll still be the same single woman sat on her sofa alone in the evening, missing companionship and sex, but this time just fitter and better-read.

I miss DH. I miss things when they were good. I miss the stability. I feel so adrift. But I know there's no going back.

What's going to get me through this? What is there to look forward to?

Someone talk some sense into me. Tell me it gets better than this?

i came out of a 6 year marriage totally destroyed to the point where i was surprised i wasnt sectioned. I was single for a year then decided to try the dating pool and now have a boyfriend but i realise it was way to soon. The advice? take time to heal. i mean really heal. Get to the point where you are happy by yourself and you choose to be with someone you dont need to be with someone. i took myself off to have meals by myself, go to the cinema, go for a drink. Started to enjoy my own company, went to therapy to deal with the aftermath and worked on what i would want to look for in a person.

time makes you stronger without you even realising. i read alot of books off amazon which helped but i didnt end up having to take medication which i couldnt have survived without. Work on any triggers you have which are scars from your previous relationship. does it get better? without a doubt but it takes time. i promise you will come out the other side.

excuse the poor use of capitals !

that should say i did start taking medication

I went through something very similar once (now long long ago!). The brief fling seemed almost more painful than the long term relationship ending. Unfortunately, the only solution is time, which, cliche as it is, really does heal all wounds. If it hadn't been for your marriage ending you probably wouldn't have given guy 2 a second thought, it was just bad timing when you were already emotionally frayed and feeling rejected.

It will get better, day by day. Just keep on going.

Hi I have recently come out of a relationship of after 20 years DH left on New Year's Eve, left because he couldn't take younger son's cheek, bad behaviour (as he calls it) he has autism & waking him up when he is sleeping for Nightshift, So he came back & said he has a flat & older son should come & live with him half the week but not younger son ( does t want younger son to know where it is either) & won't be invited,am I being unfair to feel sorry for myself for being left with 2 teens (15& 18) constantly arguing as well as running everything myself,

Sorry not sure how to post on Mumsnet didn't realise it had been posted on this thread

Get a new pet.

I'm watching op because same scenario.
Was married 25 years. Then in another. Relationship for 5

After they ended I was in a fairly brief relationship where I thought the chemistry was amazing. Everything was right . Then he bailed without warning. Just 3 weeks ago . The. Sent me messages about his new dates and his therapy and I today had to block him . I can't take it . I'm probably older than you and all my hope for future happiness had evaporated.
I'm a mug ! I aren't fit for dating because my shark cage isn't strong enough . My boundaries aren't strong enough .
(Look up the shark cage metaphor)

PaperDoves I really do feel as though the grief this time around is almost worse than at the end of my marriage. How ridiculous is that? Years of marriage v's a two month fling (and fling is a generous word to use here, it was barely even that).

I feel like my heart has been ripped out. The new guy has been nothing but upfront - he always said he'd be leaving and wasn't looking for a relationship - and I thought I was fine with that. Hell, I even thought I was doing something empowering. But he walked away without a backwards glance. No texts, no messages, no engagement whatsoever. I'm forgotten about, again. Not likeable or desirable enough to be worthy of a second thought. I'm almost embarrassed to be myself.

And I don't know why I'm placing my value and self-worth in this man's hands. I really don't. But I have.

It's the first thing I think about when I wake up, and then I remember I won't ever see him again and the pain hits me.

It's pathetic.

At the end of it I'll still be the same single woman sat on her sofa alone in the evening, missing companionship and sex, but this time just fitter and better-read

Too much of you is reliant on having a relationship, on having someone's approval and acceptance. You're not really accepting yourself, and that's the only person you need to accept you. Once you accept and respect yourself, your need for someone else to love you will diminish. You won't be what you said in the quote above, you'll be a single, confident woman, enjoying her life.

What do you do that you really respect, OP? What activities? I made a list, ongoing, years ago, of things people did that made me think 'Wow, what a guy/woman!' and every now and then, I'll pick a thing from the list and do it. Now I have a list of things I do that make me respect myself. None of this process had anything to do with finding a partner; in fact, that would have been a distraction. This isn't about what a man thinks of you, or about whether you are successful in relationships. This is about you, and what you do for you, and what you love about you.

I don’t think you spent enough time healing after your dh left. Mine left me 3 years ago so I understand the (shattering) experience of that. I spent 18 months at home doing gardening and needlework after he left (lockdown actually helped me to recover, it gave me time). I went to ground and spent time healing and calming my soul. I think you need to spend time alone and reach a point where you know that you’d be okay with being single longterm if needs be. Then, if someone comes along, that could he a bonus but you can decide if you really want that. I’ve now been with a lovely man for a year. We’re taking things very slowly.

You need much more time. 6 months is not long enough imo.

My exDH left me when our DS had just turned 2. I know what that 'hit by a train' feeling is like. It took me about two years to get over the emotional attachment to him and I really really struggled during the first 9 months or so. Even just thinking about that time now (six years on) makes me feel sick.

I know the pain is killing you and you want it to be over but please keep single for now and learn to love and respect yourself. Live in the present but plan fun stuff. Don't look back. I feel for you, it is awful but you will get there 💐

It’s not pathetic or any other thing you tell yourself that has the underlying message that you are not good enough. In my experience, one thinks that, after a long term partner leaves, you can cope with a “lesser” loss (such as the departure of a short term relationship). But actually it’s not like that. Sometimes it takes getting under a new man to get over an old one, but sometimes one hasn’t grieved the first loss enough, so another loss on top takes one right back to the end of the longer relationship.

If it’s advice you want, take time and counselling to understand how you feel and be nice to yourself whilst you work out where you are, why you feel as you do, and how you want to move forwards.

It will be ok. Learn from this, know you won’t always feel they way you do now. Take care of yourself.