Hi,
I've just kicked my partner out after 14yrs together. He has always had a temper, since we got together. A few years back he lost his dad who he was very close to, and never really came to terms with it, mood swings, anger, ended up losing his job, I became his verbal punching bag, insults and put downs daily. I was working 40hrs, studying and looking after the kids. I tried for years to support him, try to steer him to speak to someone, he refused to speak to anyway, and I ended up talking to someone online ( I know I shouldn't have, and I've regretted it ever since, I suppose i liked the attention and someone showing me affection) I told my partner after a couple of weeks and ended our relationship. He'd message me every day saying how sorry he was and how much he loved me etc.. I met the guy online once and relised I still loved my partner, even after everything. So after a month separated we got back together (he promised he'd get help and things would be different). I found out he'd slept with my friend in the time we'd been separated. We decided to work through it and for a year it was great, dates, walks in the park etc.. but when we moved into our new house and he started his new job about 3 yrs ago, he started acting different. Becoming verbally nasty again, lying, hiding his phone. He'd take the dog for walks every night around where he worked, get a shower sometimes before that, I found an inappropriate message to awork colleague on his phone which was sent at 3am (but he'd deleted all the rest with her) and then just after having our next child found out he'd been having an affair with another work collegue for months even when I was in hospital, who lives by their workplace (I asked him to quit and get a new job, which never happened). ( I know most people would have kicked him out at this point, I don't know why I didn't) he swore they'd never been intimate, he just sought comfort and liked the attention ( however now says how he never cheated, though I think he justifies it cos they never had sex) over the past 2 years his temper has got worse, but has now started shouting and swearing at the kids, clashes badly with our oldest child who has autism and answers back. But his tempers that bad he hits walls, throws things, pushes, screams, stands over me in an intimidating way shouting and spitting. I've known for awhile he needs help ( and I suspect he had a breakdown 2 yrs ago when i nearly died giving birth and then our baby had to have a heart op at 3days old) and I've tried to support him to seek help, but he says there's nothing wrong with him, im the problem. He wants for nothing, he smokes weed and is addicted to coffee which i end up paying for once he's blown all his wages,
does whatever he wants, goes wherever he wants. I moved to live with him, so whilst he has his family here, i have nobody. But I'm still accused of being controlling and abusive towards him. I've asked for 1 date night a week( as he works afternoons til after midnight 4 times a week, and goes out all night 1 day) which hasn't happened since asking months ago, told him I'm not comfortable with him getting a new phone (as I also found a stashed one a few months back, which he snatched off me straight away), and to come home around 1:30am latest to get up for the school run when he goes out late). I've pointed out his behaviour is narcissistic and abusive, and he needs to speak to his g.p or someone, but it just gets turned back onto me. He barely helps in the house, expects me to do everything, doesn't do anything with the kids, but will do anything for anyone else. I'll admit that sometimes I do end up starting the arguments, because I'm so fed up of being disrespected and left out of everything he does (he doesn't go anywhere with me, and last Xmas when I asked to get the last of the kids presents from the shop, hurled abuse at me and told me to go and kill myself) and i can see how my behaviour is being affacted, I'm just fed up, I've spoken to my g.p who put me on antidepressants and referred me to therapy (which I'm still on a waiting list), but nothing seems to help. But for some reason, even though my head knows its the right thing to separate, my heart isn't cooperating ( he's like jekyll and Hyde, has random nice moments, where I see the man I love). I miss him already, he's the love of my life, who I imagined growing old together, getting married etc.. he said he isn't coming back this time and we're done, (he left just after having the baby 2 yrs ago for around 4months, and I went groveling for him back). If you've read all this then thank you, and like I said not sure what I'm expecting. Maybe to just get it off my chest.