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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ARGUING A LOT...

11 replies

curlygirl84 · 26/06/2022 12:50

This is my first time on this site so please bare with me.
My partner and I are arguing a lot just because I feel like he is not helping me
with the kids. When I have told him I am exhausted. I have a long term health conditions and there for I have stopped working now for 4 years. He works nights and just because he works night am I overreacting when I ask him to step up when I am flat on my knees??
At times he gets upset and verbal attacks me and don't listen to me when I address things that needs to be done for kids..
when he don't work he sleeps most of the times. He never gets up on his own and deals with the kids.
Am I being unreasonable??

I value your opinion because I can't take this any longer...

OP posts:
sakuraxblossom · 26/06/2022 12:52

You are not being unreasonable - you're communicating that you need help and he's actively choosing to ignore it or stay in his own way. There needs to be some type of compromise where he helps out despite his work, but you can't force him to compromise. So it's up to you how you want to deal with this. Verbal abuse is never OK.

JanglyBeads · 26/06/2022 12:54

Doesn't sound fair at all.

How old are the kids and how long have you been together? Has he always worked nights since the kids were born?

How are other parts of your relationship?

Watchkeys · 26/06/2022 12:57

You only have to tell a person what you need once. If you make sure they've understood you, it's up to them, then. They either respect you, or they don't. They'll try to help you, or they won't.

If he knows what you need to stop you from floundering, and he simply doesn't help, there's no love or respect here.

Flowerymess · 26/06/2022 13:04

How about talking about it when it's not the heat of the moment. Like sit down and discuss what you both do for the family and household and then allocate more stuff to him.

I think it can be hard for lazy fuckers people when they are tired and not expecting it to agree to more work in the moment. But when you break it down and list the stuff you do, list the stuff he does (including contributing financially) you might get more of a buy in from him that he needs to do more.

Original poster
curlygirl84 · 26/06/2022 13:09

Janglybeads

MY son is 5 and dh is 2 years old. We have been together for 7 years now. HE STARTED WORKING NIGHTS WHEN OUR SON WAS 2.

OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN UP AND DOWN FOR A WHILE.. I STAY WITH KIDS AND DO ALL THE DAY TO DAY STUFF. THINGS STARTED TO GET A BIT MORE TENSE SENSE OUR DH WAS BORN DURING LOCKDOWN PANDEMIC.

I HAVE FELT VERY ISOLATED FOR A LONG TIME AND ME AND PARTNER DONT DO ANYTHING TOGETHER NO MORE. BUT HE DOES GO OUT ANF STUFF..

OP posts:
Pegsonstrings · 26/06/2022 13:47

do you think you can be in a relationship like he is offering you for the next five years? Or forever? What do you want to happen? Is he likely to start listening now with magic words from the mumsnet world? Miraculously get out of bed and pull his weight?
when is he nice to you? When he wants sex? Food? Think about it because it sounds like he is living his life while not even giving yours a single thought, let alone his children.

Is your love for him so great you are willing to destroy you? Put aside your needs? Because that is what you are allowing now by accepting so little for you.

if you parted ways, what is the scariest thing that will happen?

it looks like he really has no respect for you.

Original poster
curlygirl84 · 27/06/2022 06:46

You know what you are right.
it is no magic words that’s gonna make him jump from bed and all of sudden I will see that he takes some responsibility.

what’s the worst thing that can happen you ask, well the kids won’t be seeing him that often I can rest assure you. And no I don’t want to live like this forever.
If he don’t have no respect for me then why don’t he just pack a bag and leave?

and why do I have to pick myself up and do everything as a mother for my kids when he lives with us too?

OP posts:
Naunet · 27/06/2022 09:35

How much parenting does he do? When did he last have the children on his own?

Original poster
curlygirl84 · 27/06/2022 11:47

Naunet · 27/06/2022 09:35

How much parenting does he do? When did he last have the children on his own?

Last time he had the children was two weeks ago.. it is because he was off from work two days
. And I went to get my hair done. Even that it was constant phone calls and felt like he couldn’t cope…

OP posts:
Naunet · 27/06/2022 12:01

Ahh so he’s one of those men that thinks child care is easy when you’re doing it but incredibly hard when he’s doing it?

Original poster
curlygirl84 · 27/06/2022 17:58

Naunet · 27/06/2022 12:01

Ahh so he’s one of those men that thinks child care is easy when you’re doing it but incredibly hard when he’s doing it?

yes indeed.. you are so spot on dear.....

OP posts:
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