Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

At what point do I take action?

13 replies

Confusedbyactions · 26/06/2022 09:45

After realising I was in an abusive and coercive relationship, it's now at the point seperation agreed, dw said she would move out, won't share timeline or any info as to when or how it's progressing, still live together in a way that's apart but do minor things together weekly shop, sometimes at same table for food, sometimes have an evening talking. Everything else is seperate. As we have 3 kids I've always wanted normal life to keep resuming until point of discussing/informing them hence the come together for kids. It's been almost 6wks and I believe a number of weeks since she contacted housing but no feedback in terms of dates or financial discussions etc. Should I set a timeline then take reasonable action if no info is forthcoming after talking? I thought maybe she is holding on then slowly peel the bandage off, removing bit by bit or day by day to make it easier for her. The longer it goes on the more difficult it is my side, feelings arise and the not knowing of day to day schedules is very difficult ie do I get kids from school or drop them off, do I need to be in at lunch times or after school for them, can I schedule meetings extra or not, is she working in the evening or not which makes it difficult to plan kids/work/leisure. All of which she does not communicate until last min.

OP posts:
MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 26/06/2022 09:57

What kind of action are you thinking of?
Are you married?
Who owns the house?
Are you both the parents of the children?
So many questions.....

Confusedbyactions · 26/06/2022 10:07

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 26/06/2022 09:57

What kind of action are you thinking of?
Are you married?
Who owns the house?
Are you both the parents of the children?
So many questions.....

Married
I own house in my name but it's really joint
Both parents of 3 kids
I've sat back and waited for things to happen, waited for dw to say I've got this and the timeframe is X but it can't keep staying the same, something has to change. By action I mean set a deadline to say ok tell me what your plans are and if still the same, I take charge and put a plan in place. Do I do this sooner or wait and if I do is it opening up the fact she will feel pushed into options and things get nasty?

OP posts:
MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 26/06/2022 10:14

I own house in my name but it's really joint

Well everything in a marriage is "joint", but why is the house in your name only?

How is she going to fund her own home if she's leaving the house? And where will the children live?

Do you both have a good plan for how you will live and support yourselves and the children financially after she moves out?

Maybe she's thinking you're not serious if it's not all been properly thought through, or maybe she's worried about losing her financial interest in the house once she No longer lives in it.

Branleuse · 26/06/2022 10:19

What are you asking her to do? Move out and leave you with the children? Or leave with the children?
Are you both women?

Confusedbyactions · 26/06/2022 10:26

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 26/06/2022 10:14

I own house in my name but it's really joint

Well everything in a marriage is "joint", but why is the house in your name only?

How is she going to fund her own home if she's leaving the house? And where will the children live?

Do you both have a good plan for how you will live and support yourselves and the children financially after she moves out?

Maybe she's thinking you're not serious if it's not all been properly thought through, or maybe she's worried about losing her financial interest in the house once she No longer lives in it.

House in my name as it was bought at the time as a temp home with plans to resell. She said she would leave and get a council house.
Kids 50/50 was agreed.
She wont lose interest in the home as it everything we agreed is joint or we could sell now if agreed but she doesn't want too.
I am main earner and she has a couple of PT jobs doing well at. The rest topped up by benefits is the plan.

I've never asked her to leave and kids have always been priority and agreed from start 50/50. I suggested if she really wanted to get a place and still use this one until settled.
Male and female.

OP posts:
stayingpositiveifpossible · 26/06/2022 10:30

How do you (and we) know that your OH is the abusive/coercive one?

Why would you be talking about 'taking action' if a seperation is mutually agreed?

Yes, and what 'action' do you mean?

Going to a solicitor?
Drafting a contact arrangement for your kids which is mutually agreed?
Preparing to go to court and thinking how finances could be split in future?
Ensuring that the welfare of your kids is paramount?

stayingpositiveifpossible · 26/06/2022 10:30

Applying to do mediation if a split has been agreed?

stayingpositiveifpossible · 26/06/2022 10:32

Unlikely she will get a council house in six weeks with the current situation.

Finances/court/family court/divorce including finance settlement - you will be lucky to get away with two years in duration.

Be prepared for the long haul.

Confusedbyactions · 26/06/2022 12:12

Yes agreed but no date given and still reliant on each other. She won't go through finances or how we set up individually and costs. More recently wants less than 50/50 ie I will be there to help with kids as opposed to more joint arrangement. Mediation was refused by her and she said she went to a solicitor. Today said reason she's moving is because I won't.
The reason I know she is the abusive coercive one is the requirement I video call to prove I'm alone, imply I am like all men who want affairs, make comments about infidelity or me as a person being something or someone I'm not or ever done. Gone to friends saying I'm possessed a series cheater, made up affairs and she lost friends over it, insisted on removing all relatively attractive friends from my FB, pushed me to resign from job then said she didnt, contacted my contacts to quiz them to see if they were who I was having relations with, photographed my phone contents to direct. Implies I must be up to no good if a few mins late or early. Says to children that's daddy's girlfriends even if total strangers. This is only some.
Deep down I think I'm being silly letting her dictate but think it's easiest she decided and I agreed but these goal posts slowly change such as this am.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/06/2022 17:27

It's very unlikely she'll get a council house if there's any equity in the marital home, and she certainly won't get one while you're living together and you're not actively forcing her to leave.

The way to go here is for her to find a private rental and then apply for the housing benefit portion of universal credit.

Your other option is to move out yourself, start the divorce process and force a sale. That might possibly get her on the housing list. It will depend on area to a large extent.

You need a solicitor here. At the moment she holds all the cards - she can keep kicking this can down the road indefinitely.

ExtraOnion · 26/06/2022 17:41

You can’t just “get a council house”

She’s not homeless, if she leaves the house she’ll be seen a “voluntary” homeless, so won’t get any help.

Private rentals take time .. plus you need deposits & references etc.

Maybe you need to see a solicitor, but not sure you could force her to move out, or even force a sale whilst the children are at home.

Ryah76 · 26/06/2022 21:12

Hi OP, just echoing what’s been said, it’s not easy to secure council housing, so if you were hoping for a swift response, I’m afraid you’re going to be disappointed. I think you will need to take charge of the situation. First, get the advice of a solicitor, some offer free consultations, this will guide your next steps.

Confusedbyactions · 27/06/2022 13:30

Thank you for this its reinforced what I read and leads me to believe its kick the can down the road or she will force a sale if she cannot get housed. The biggest concern is the upheaval of the children to lose their home they have known since birth and I'm researching how to prevent that and minimise upset. The current living arrangement cannot be long term.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread