Is it me?

[SadSoul92]

I really would ask for you to be kind here, as I’m really struggling at the moment.

me and my BF have been together 6 years. Since covid came around and we had to self isolate he’s changed so much as a person. He was a very social person previously, and for context we had a very strict lockdown where we live for 2 years.

in any case fast forwards things have returned to pre covid times, however his negativity has remained.

he runs a business with his brother, which was set up by their parents. However they don’t get along well, and appears DP does do most of the work however DP is also someone who will criticise the way someone else does anything and thinks he knows best and his brother is a lazy worker who likes to think he’s in charge and thinks he’s far more intelligent than actually is. For these reasons they clash. DP doesn’t communicate well and so rather than civilised chats they argue. He works 7 days a week in 32 degrees heat and this year has been particularly busier for them so he’s also doing 11 hour days meaning he has no real free time.

he’s currently snappy, if I ask him if he wants to do anything he’s always too tired. But if his friends ask he will go out for an hour as he doesn’t want to let them down. He’s really short on messages to me and isn’t as affectionate. Somedays he barely speaks to me at all and when we get in bed just says he wants to sleep (however will have seen his mates for an hour or two) he’s always negative about how busy he is and can’t see any positives. He seems resentful that I get 2 days off a week and therefore moans if something in the house isn’t done.

im really starting to thinks it’s me he’s fed up but he says he’s just tired and has too much stress at the moment. Some days he does cuddle me in the mornings and somedays he leaves without even a goodbye.

basically I want to know can he really be just miserable from his covid experience? I assumed once we were “free” he’d be happy even if he was working all day every day. Could he really just be too exhausted? Or could it just be he’s miserable with me ? I’m starting to panic he’s mentally checked out of our relationship.

sorry to ramble on.

I think you need to sit down and talk to him It should be as simple as that.
Are there other issues in your relationship.

He does sound tired but you don't have to accept the way the relationship is even if he has a good reason to be so. If you don't have children, walk away or if the work situation is temporary hang around if you really want to. He probably thinks he already sees you and you argue a lot so his friends are new people that don't nag him.
You DO have more time than him to do stuff. He probably feels pressure from everywhere.. you don't have to accept this though.

Do you a want this for the rest of your life ?
Throw a kid or two into the mix and your resentment will be off the scale.

He sounds depressed....

I think he's really tired from work, not you. I would try to talk to him to work only 5 days, working 7 days a week 11 hours a day would kill anyone's energy.

I don't think there's any excuse to not say goodbye in the morning. That must be awful for you. Very lonely place to be.
You need to communicate to him that it's not working and see if he's willing to make changes.
If he doesn't, then you have your answer, and you need to think about moving on.

If his job is that tiring, he may have found his covid experience preferable, and be struggling with resuming his old pace of life. He wouldn't be the only one, if that were the case.

He shouted at me again today basically because he wanted to cancel our plans tonight. Which he did. Then he came and apologised and kissed my head. I stayed downstairs and watched television and when I came up he was in a vile mood again. I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. He’s up briefly and then immediately back down.

Can I ask, did you only move in during lockdown? I'm just wondering if this is just what he's like to live with and you just didn't realise. Or did you live together beforehand and he was fine.

Either way it sounds miserable. You do not have to tolerate being spoken to like that.

No we lived together and it was ok. He’s always been stressed in the summer as he works long hours and 7 days a week. However this year has been super busy as we didn’t have a full season for almost 2 years. I don’t know what’s happened to the sweet, funny, caring man I fell in love with.

Does he always behave like this when stressed?

Is he a farmer?

It sounds like work is too stressful for him but that’s no excuse to treat you this badly

No, we work with tourists so only 7 months of the year which means 7 really intense months. Before the summer we went back to the UK for work and injured himself at work losing the top 2cm of his finger this also seemed to send him in to a deeper spiral of depression…. I mean I know it’s bad but he was abnormally upset over it crying day and night and he’s just never been like this. This morning he wakes up barely speaks to me before he leaves then says he has 2 minutes before he has to go work and just lay on the bed with me and then just got up and left. I don’t want to leave him if he’s depressed but I also don’t want to stay if the problem is me? I also don’t know how much more I can take. Everything I say or do seems to annoy him
more, I can’t talk to him because he just gets angry and tells me to leave him alone. He’s constantly pushing me away: Honestly I’m at a loss.

I think you need to stop making this about you. You keep saying 'if it's me...' when every shred of evidence points to it being external to your relationship; pressure caused by covid, job stress and exhaustion, an injury, and depression.
You are not helping either of you by keep on asking if its you, to which he will no doubt truthfully respond that its not, getting you no closer to resolving what it actually is.
You need a conversation where you tell him that you understand he is having a tough time, but you need to explore ways of easing it, as his behaviour is having a negative impact on you.

I can’t talk to him because he just gets angry and tells me to leave him alone

I'd be taking him at his word. He may have depression, he may have gone off you, it may be something he thinks you've done wrong, but essentially, you're the one who makes the decisions about how someone gets to treat you, and you're the one who has the responsibility for walking away when someone treats you poorly.

He doesn't need to treat you this way, he chooses to. How can that be your fault? He is responsible for his behaviour.

@5128gap @Watchkeys both very valid points I do ask a lot if it is me and this seems to make him more annoyed and then makes me feels worse and I do allow him to treat me this way. Thank you both.

So today he text me asking if i wanted to do something tonight. Unfortunately I was busy at work so I didn’t finish until 9pm from 8am this morning. Got home at 9 he was already here he complained the house wasn’t tidy and he’s tired of coming home to this. For context I cleaned yesterday I just hadn’t had time today. Then he says he’s going out for a drink with his friend for an hour. It’s now 2.30am and he’s not home. He has work at 8 which will mean tomorrow he will be miserable again. I don’t know what to do anymore I’m really unhappy. If I say this now I’ll ruin his only night out all week. However he hasn’t taken me out for weeks.

If you cleaned one day and were at work all day the following day, how did anything get dirty/messy? What mess was he referring to?

Why is it your responsibility to keep the house clean? Are you living in the 1950's?