How do I accept compliments, without being awkward?

[Lavendersparkles22]

As the title suggests, I find it really hard to accept compliments on anything, but particularly my appearance or personality. I was an awkward child who didn't really grow up around anything that built up my self esteem. I make up for this with my own kids and build them up as much as I can.

I'm currently getting myself back into dating/casual relationships mainly, but a couple of them have commented I find it awkward when they compliment me in any way. I kind of avoid responding/look away/ give an awkward laugh. This can be anything from my smile to how I am I bed (which to be fair, I know I'm good at). I'm not terrible looking, but have never considered myself sexy or good looking. I was a fat child, and that mindset has never gone away.

Are there stock phrases/responses people have?

I'm currently undergoing assessment for inattentive ADHD, but had a fairly traumatic childhood and I'm divorcing a cold hearted narc who has smashed my confidence into smithereens, so please be gentle with me.

I just say things like “thanks, that’s nice to hear”. I often follow up with a compliment in return.

Just say a genuine "Thank you!"

I always say “oh that’s so kind of you to say!”

if your previous relationship was with a narcissistic person did you also have a narcissistic parent? Because this kind of low self esteem can stem from early programming.

‘Thank you, that’s kind of you’ - like water off a duck’s back, because if you had a sense of self-worth on your own a compliment is just a nice cherry on top of your own self-love. At the moment you might be feeling desperate for validation and love, so the compliment means an awful lot to you? But you might not trust it if you didn’t receive enough of that kind of validation and attention when you were little, so your instinct is to push the compliment away? Might take a lot of observation and unpicking to see what your thought process is when you get a compliment and what’s true for you.

I think the long term solution is to work on your own feelings and learning to love every part of yourself - in an emotional way, I don’t mean the surface level self care type stuff like bubble baths. I mean practicing loving and having compassion for every feeling you have - anger, fear, disgust, happiness etc. Practice loving and understanding and getting to know the part of you that really needs that compliment to be true and the part that’s desperate for it to be true.

Say thank you and redirect the urge to say something self-deprecatory to something nice about the other person.

It takes practise.

"Aw, thank you!"

If you want to fake confidence then confirm what they've said modestly. "Oh it (the dress, makeup, hair, whatever) is pretty/nice/etc isn't it, I really like it"

Oh, already some great responses! Lots to think about.

My dad is absolutely a narc, still tries to put me down a lot but due to him being in his 80s and isolated by all but my eldest sister and I, I just don't want to bring it all up. My second oldest sister is utterly toxic too, and also brings me down hugely and always has.

I'm genuinely not seeking compliments, and do not value them, particularly for appearance. I would rather people just didn't give me them to be honest, they make me so uncomfortable. I have developed a hugely dry wit and humour, and if I can make someone laugh that seems to be my ultimate validation.

Have been on quite a journey the 2 years since the split from (still not officially) ex husband, and I had a baby within that time which brings its own body confidence issues.

So, simple"thanks, how kind " is all it takes, huh?

Thanks for your responses, it is very much appreciated.

It's always nice to give a compliment back too. If they're nice enough to give you one, then they'd likely appreciate one back.

You know when someone hands you a book or roll of wool or a pint of gin, you say,
"Thanks very much" with a smile.

That's what you say.
If the person complimenting also looks nice, you could add,
"You look nice too / I love your top / your hair is nice / your ears aren't over big." Etc.
And then swiftly move on.

If its about looks I tend to say

Thanks, you look nice too

Tbh I don't want anyone to think I give a shit about their opinion of my looks, and this keeps it even iyswim.

"Thanks, that's really kind"
"Thanks, that's made my day!"
"Ah, thank you!"

I had to train myself not to add a self critical addition as I think lots of us have a bit of imposter syndrome.

But I realised that if I complimented someone and they said one of the phrases above, I wouldn't think they were arrogant etc.

In fact, I wouldn't think anything much at all if someone responded with those nice simple phrases if I complimented them - I'd just feel pleased I made them feel good and move on with my day. That's what people will do if you accept a compliment without adding a self critique.

Hope those stock phrases help!

I@Lavendersparkles22 I get you..I’m the same..it’s hard. But great replies
above!

I used to be the same, then many years ago I thought about it and realised I wasn't being fair to the person giving the compliment if I ignored it / laughed / told them they were wrong. So I did just what PP have suggested and started saying 'Oh, thanks!'. It very quickly became second nature and I don't think about it anymore (only reading your post it came back to me).

From men I don't want to encourage, brief smile 'Thank you' and move away/change the subject.
From women, 'Thank you, that's really nice of you to say' often add 'you've cheered me up' because they have!

Someone giving you a compliment is like giving you a little gift with words. Think of it like being a polite thing to say in return and just say thank you for the 'gift.' This will help you fake it til you make it.

Yes, this.

Also remember that rejecting a compliment or adding as self deprecating comment is a bit like rejecting that gift or telling them you don't like it. Which makes it easier to not do it!

I was/am the same. Years ago someone told me to just say 'Thank You' which is what I do now. Still have to avoid following it up with a negative but usually the compliment is something I've made effort in so it's nice to hear.

It's nice to give them too 😊

Say thank you and return a compliment, it feels good to do that too

I just say thank you, but with a big smile to show it has made me feel happy!

I always think of a compliment as a verbal gift, I wouldn't bat it away or be rude if someone handed me something so I'm not when something is said.
Thank you with a smile.

I always start with 'Thank you'.
Then usually add something relevant if it works. So if it is about clothing, I'll add something like 'It's my favourite' or 'lost of people seem to like this'. If it is about an achievement or skill, I will add 'I've been working hard on it so it's lovely to hear you complement it'.

I can't remember the last time anyone said something specifically nice about my body so can't help you with that.

I guess the only time I don't think id say thank you is if it was about sex. Personally that would feel odd. If someone said, 'you are great in bed' or 'I really liked it when you did x' then Thank you would be awkward so I'd smile and say something like ' Yeah that was fun'.

I disagree with this. I don't appreciate one back. I always think it sounds a bit fake, if it's straight off the back of them complimenting you. And it puts pressure on OP to give a compliment, in an already awkward feeling situation.

Gracious acceptance is the way forward, OP, and there's a compliment in 'That's so kind of you to say, thank you!' already, anyway.

Thank you, that’s really kind of you to say.

Don’t feel pressured to return the compliment.

So simple but I wish I had known this when I was younger. Like you OP I often felt awkward about compliments and sometimes suspected people wanted something from me or were mocking me. “Thank you, that’s very kind” deals with all eventualities.

My own DD asked me recently what to say if someone complimented her and that’s what I told her and she said it was perfect!