Is it triangulation?

[Xero]

I've fallen out my friend which consequently has estranged me and my son from their social circle. We met 3 years ago and over the past couple of years became good friends. She offered support when I was having problems with my sons dad. I reciprocated her friendship.
Shes married and her husband has two children from his first marriage.
I started to notice things but always saw them as a unit as we were welcomed in to her family network and she encouraged me to move closer by so we could potentially share the school run. As a single parent I liked the feeling of having a support network.
I got to know her husband over time, and the kids and became conscientious not to overstay my welcome. Quite often we spent a Sunday afternoon with her our boys and the older kids. While he had some solitude.
when I wanted to return the gesture with the offer of going out/Sunday lunch/walks/yoga/girls night out, it began to feel that there was never any point because it would get postponed. I learnt to accept this for a while.
My friend always always wanted me round but when I got my new home i was busy settling in and her husband had said he wanted to spend more quality time with her. Her son would come round and she would often stop by with her dogs and the other kids.
We started falling out firstly because I found the move stressful.
Less silly was her sons bullish behaviour towards my son. Everyone has an opinion on this but I saw it for myself and it was raised by the childminder. It was awkward but I had to talk to her about it. She was okay about it but her husband less so. He ignored me for a short while and she asked me 'sort it out' with him. I did as requested and he brushed it off.
When it happened again I was accused of overreacting.
I think the world of her son and my friend and I originally had a plan that we would respect each other's parenting and bring them up together as they were both only sons. But this slipped into a myth when her husband suggested a different school for her boy. A school in which he needed to be baptised. Fast forward nearly a year and the childminder is linked to the school and you don't need to be baptised as mine got in.
But in this same very year my perspective took a slant towards cynicism. I tried so hard to not react. But then 2 months ago having come back from a trip to see family I come back to my friend very upset with his actions and how things were never going to change. He was upset at her spending money - she shares an account and they're saving to buy a house. They also share social media accounts.
My guard was down and in response I opened my mouth and shared my thoughts. That was a stupid mistake.
In fact I think that was the beginning of the end. She later said i "attacked" him, I said to her that he's very controlling. I've since been accused of having a go at her son after he punched my son but she said he didn't do it.
now she says I need to deal with my insecurities. I have insecurities and I did say to her at one point I had wondered if her husband triggered my own trauma. I've wondered if I am projecting
But she's not hearing me.

I suggested some distance but in that time I was accused of all this shit. At some point I was exiled from their home. I have been told the door is open if I change my view .....(which is reported to be that I think they're out to get me). However my sons still welcome ....(that hurt)
I have no idea how it got this far. I kept seeing a pattern but couldn't prove it.

I'm thinking of moving again as I think it was all a big mistake.
Can I call this triangulation? I need to see my own part in it but I feel very hurt by their accusations. Advice welcome.

TBH what happened, when and to who is really unclear. Your word choices and syntax are strange: family network, exiled, reciprocated her friendship for example.

It was naive of both you and your friend to think you could be absorbed seamlessly into an already blended family. It seems her husband was not as keen on this as your friend. This whole bringing up your sons together seems intense and unrealistic when she has a husband - her son's father I assume - and step children already.

It seems you and your friend get too enmeshed and forgot her husband was her primary partner. You slagged him off and she remembered her loyalty was with him - leaving you 'exiled'.

I've no idea what went on with the school, the bullying (or even what age your child are) or the pattern you can't prove.

I would keep a distance from them - from the adults and the child if they are bullying your child. Just walk away. You don't have to move again if you are happy where you are. Just encourage your child to make different friends, and do the same yourself.

It was a bit much to move house because of someone you'd only known a couple of years, with an idea of sharing childcare and school runs etc. It sounds like it was all a bit full on and her husband got a bit tired of having an open house every Sunday. It may be that he's not a great husband - you've said your piece about that and you can do no more. Just steer clear and move on.

Very difficult to work out exactly what the issue is but the bit about raising your sons together?
What?
It sounds like there are boundary issues and that you have unrealistic expectations of this friendship and the DH has put his foot down.
If this was a romantic relationship it all sounds like lovebombing, poor boundaries and future faking

This is hard to understand the only bit that stands out to me is you think the husband punched your son, if this is the case why aren’t the police involved why do you want to be friends etc?

past that it reads like you were very reliant on them.

Oh sorry read again you think the son punched your son. Sorry it’s so hard to understand.

Okay, regardless of what appears blurred to you it all makes sense to me and on both sides. I appreciate the perspective.
I had other reasons for moving closer.. but it was an incentive. I have taken a step back from it all.

Well yes of course it makes sense to you, you’ve lived it. We on the other hand have no idea what it means due to the way it’s written

either way it feels like you were overly reliant and clingy on these people and made accusations against both the husband and son, rightly or wrongly. It was always going to end.

I agree with other posters that it's hard to follow exactly what happened due to the way you've written it. But it all sounds too intense especially for a friendship of only 3 years. It actually sounds as though you're both a bit naive or immature and you've both blurred boundaries. It reads to me as though her DH got feed up with the two of you being in each other's pockets and he said as much. I think you just need to step away and leave them to it. I'd also be distancing my ds's relationship with them as their DS doesn't sound great.

Also it's not clear at all what pattern you think you're seeing.

I clearly have to work on my written skills so I take note of that. I think I spent too much time watching YouTube vids about narcissism and codependency. I was watching the vids to help myself understand the context of a past relationship. But I started noticing things in theirs and that's where I overstepped the boundary.
I didn't see myself as 'clingy' as I put in my own boundaries as well, but I would agree that it would get on husbands nerves. He had little interest when they were babies and that's changed, which is only natural and a good thing. But yeah I fucked up big time.

I don’t really understand the determination on MN for people to look for labels to ‘diagnose’ the shitty behaviour of others. You all fell out for whatever reason. You don’t need to apply any armchair psychology to it, you can just be pissed off for a bit then move on.

I think it sounds like you took the friendship that you felt you and your son needed.
This friendship has not panned out. I think it can be hard to be really close friends with a couple, as you found out. Your friend was being unreasonable for talking about their relationship with you.
I think your efforts are put to much better use building up other friendships tbh. Some friendships come to an end.

It's only been three years, you started falling out when the move was stressful, far from the dream of raising your sons together your sons don't get on and you (perhaps justifiably) dislike her son, you don't like her partner and have made that clear to her. Regardless of what you label it, this is going nowhere and you're better off being 'exiled'. Moving again seems extreme, but then moving so soon to become part of her family network was quite extreme too. It all sounds too intense for a friendship and would have burnt itself out one way or another. I'd back off and not go down the road of analysing it or needing her to 'hear' you. She's chosen her DP, who she's known for longer and has way more commitment to. If you have issues from your past relationship, best to work on them for yourself and your DS so as not to take them into future friendships.

Do you mean you were romantically interested in her Op?
Im not surprised her DH didnt like it in that case.

Your opening post is practically indecipherable.

I think I have the gist. I think you’ve invested far too much in this friendship and expected to be like sisters, to the point you even moved closer.
But now it’s cooled off and the reality isn’t what you expected. Her husband doesn’t like you much and so she’s probably stuck in the middle, but her loyalty is to her husband.

I think you’ve made a mistake of investing WAY too much in this friendship and now need to accept that you’re not that close and need to separate yourself before you end up looking like a desperate hanger on.

You ask if you 'can call this triangulation'
Why do you need to call it anything? You fallen out.