Splitting whist DH has MH issues

[plasticcanister]

I am posting here after having posted earlier on AIBU when DH was bothered that I had taken s covid test, although that thread ended up on a tangent with one poster being offensive to others and having their posts removed

However during the course of the thread my DH informed me he wants to split,

Am I really out of order to accept a split whilst he is going through a bit of a breakdown?

He has already walked out of his job and accepted one two hours away so is already going to have to live elsewhere. He has also had a big row with his dad, walked out of his house and not spoken to him since. He admits to having thought seriously about suicide prior to these things happening. Walking out do his job has actually saved him from that.

Life with DH been hard for years and I believe his MH issues have been going on for just as long, although it is only now that he is acknowledging them. He struggles to see anyone else's point of view than his own and I believe this is the root of his, and our, problems.

I think I thought a split would happen anyway when he moves away, but this would be less traumatic

You deserve happiness and need to be away from him. There is only so much love you can give before you run out and if you have, you need to go. I know it would be hard if he hurt himself, but you can't put your life on hold indefinitely.

I haven't read your other thread but I know when I'm struggling with my mental health all I want is to be alone. I would push for him to seek help before accepting a split unless you have decided its something you want. In this case, be prepared for him to come out the fog and want you back.

Thanks so much for responding. There wasn't much more on the other thread than I included in the OP, it just derailed because a poster became unpleasant although I was in the middle of dealing with DH so didn't actually read the offensive posts before Mumsnet towers removed them.

I am actually beginning to feel relieved that he is talking of leaving me, as I know I could not leave him whilst he's going through this, but if he does it then I won't be the bitch. Which I will be painted as either way, but it will be easier to cope with if he makes the split. You are right by suggesting that I have run out of love. I have given and given so much over the years, have supported his career, almost single handedly brought up the DC whilst he enjoyed his job and chased promotions, have been a free counsellor whilst he ranted at me about work, but been criticised and put down for years. I have given up jobs I loved to move to new locations for his work and now am doing a job I feel unfulfilled in, in a new area where I only know people I have met through that job. I do feel like he has wringed me dry of love.

You’re not a bitch. Leave him. You’ve had years of his shit. He has chosen to be a shithead whilst not getting help for his MH making life miserable for you. Only now he thinks some grass somewhere is greener (wants to leave) he wants to get help?

this fella does not recognise your needs for happiness. He’s put on you for this long. Pfft. Don’t waste the pretty, girl.

Thank you. Made me cry to read this. Feeling so alone.

I think his needs have been prioritised for so long even now you are still framing them front and centre because you know how much you do

But given he is moving 2 hours a split seems to be the right thing

Are you expected to move with him? Sounds like moving back to where you were last happy would be the best thing for you.

What's his relationship with the dc like?

Let him go. He's said he wants to leave you, so accept that and let him do it. There's no reason why you should be painted as responsible for this.

You deserve a break, and I think the fact that he wants this is your get out of jail free card. So use it.

It’s not you it’s him.

He’s the common denominator falling out with everyone around him - his DF, work, you.

Don’t take responsibility for any of this anymore. Seems to me you have given and sacrificed too much for too long with zero improvement or even and reciprocity from him - just a continuous decline in his behaviour.

Time for you and your DCs now. They don’t need to be in this anxious environment shadowed by his irrationality and hostility.

They don’t need their Mum (their only potentially emotionally available parent) preoccupied, diminished, drained and exhausted by this fool. They need you fun, light and focused and you deserve that light joyous home life as well.

Can you access some professional emotional support to restore your own sense of self esteem and agency to get you back to who you are?