I’m being a bitch I know, but can anyone relate

[FeelingAwfulr]

I’ve had a tough time the last few years. An abortion, then later on a baby where dp left weeks in. I’ve been emotionally broken most of the time.

along the way my family, parents mostly, have offered support as well as a whole host of nastiness. ‘Maybe it’s your fault he left’, ‘you really struggle to cope don’t you.’ ‘You’re not one of life’s copers…’

loads of comments like this over the years.

I was talking to a friend recently about something similar and it suddenly dawned on me how awful they had been. They have been married a long time, no money worries, not worked for years since in their forties, always on holiday.

I feel like an utter shit for saying this but I have a strong interest in how either one of them would ‘cope’ when heartbreak hits. I feel terrible thinking it but I would really like to see how they feel if I was to tell them to get on with things days into their grief. And so on.

can anyone relate? I know I’m being a bitch

What you're feeling is normal you're definitely NOT being a bitch. I'm sorry you've been treated so badly x

You are not being a bitch at all- it's natural if friends who have zero experience of a situation offer 'advice /comments'that's not asked for.

@Ludo19 I just wish the tables could turn for once and it could be me casting judgment and selecting how much support I felt I would give.

I wonder if I would leave my mother in bits because I had to watch emmerdale!

I totally relate. You are not being a bitch.

I have realised that most people have shockingly poor empathy. They just don't understand what it is like for other people, and they don't understand the supports they have in life and what it is like not to have this.

I have actually stopped speaking to people about my situation (which is unusual) as its just more painful when people clearly don't get it.

So sorry you are going through this OP. You are strong and one of life's copers just for keeping going.

I wonder if I would leave my mother in bits because I had to watch emmerdale!

Your mum did that? That's shocking!

I don’t blame you. At all. They sound pretty awful - undermining and blind to their own failings.

They sound awful. You're not being a bitch ❤️

@Eliveonline yes when I was sobbing my heart out. She’s always been like that.

the pair of them are incredibly self absorbed.

I want them to need me and feel vulnerable and scared and maybe then I will suddenly have a soap to watch !

Being generous, I would say that some people cannot bear feeling unsure of what to do to support others when they are having a hard time. I found that really hard after a couple of bereavements. I have cut down on the emotional energy that I put into people like this. I totally get where you are coming from and think you are not at all a bitch. I hope things get better for you.

I know where you are coming from...my mother has zero empathy, a total inability to stop thinking about herself for even a second and consider others. Took me a long time (I'm 53) but I've realised in the last decade that she is a narcissist. Both her and my father are, they were terrible parents, and myself and my two brothers had a very stressful and frankly shit childhood.

I learnt from the very first time I went to her, as an young adult of just 21, wanting some emotional support and empathy about what were quite serious problems I was having at the time... and she totally ignored me and started going on about her own life that I would never be able to look to her for support. Judgement and bitchy comments, yes, actual help and empathy? Forget it.

I've often posted on here that my favourite saying is "You reap what you sow"...I live on the other side of the world from my mother, on purpose. I'm very low contact with her, and I've not actually seen her in 13 years.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this as well, the only advice I can give is to distance yourself.

@noirchatsdeux sorry you have had a similar experience. It’s horrible, isn’t it?

The thing I find most difficult to get my head around is the fact they seem to genuinely think they are put upon. They have become slightly better with age but I remember as a child they were so judgmental of people, my gran’s husband died when she was young and she was often lonely and wanting to be with her daughter and us. I get how frustrating that must have been for my parents but my god there was lack of empathy… when my gran would leave they would say she didn’t know how to cope and that she wasn’t ‘a coper’ etc… well of course not, her husband had died.

Maybe I’ve not been tested like that but I know for a fact I’ve had a lot more patience with friends than they seem to have with anyone. Quite literally everything is about them and how hard things are for them (it’s not, they’ve got lots of money and their health)… but it will be one drama after another. So much drama. Always something bothering them.

I hope I haven’t got these traits too and don’t recognise it!!

Well, there you go OP - you have broken the cycle of lack of empathy. With an upbringing like yours you can give yourself hearty praise for that OP. You will do such a better job of raising your own child. Good for you!