How do you actually know for sure that it's over?

[Hiya Wishy]

Pretty much that really?
No adultery, on either part. Just seem not to want same things.
Lots of resentment has built up.
When do you actually call it quits?

I think you reach a point of no return. Something small or big will happen and something will just switch inside and that's it. Your done. There's no going back. You feel secure in that.

In the absence of any abuse, would you consider couples therapy? Having someone mediate difficult conversations can be incredibly constructive. Then it's easier to have difficult conversations unmediated. You can get a DVD version of The Marriage Course (usually run by churches, but aimed at anyone regardless of faith/lack of faith/different faith).

If it still doesn't work out then having had therapy may help you separate better, if that makes sense.

I think when you realise you’re actually happier being on your own or spending time with other people then you know it’s over for good.
if you’re both not happy and there’s resentment building then sadly you should end it now on good terms.

Mine was death by a thousand cuts. Like you, the resentment was building until he started emotionally detaching, refused to spend time with me and then basically ruined my Christmas and New Year (didn’t help, created arguments) and I just found myself thinking I didn’t want to be in the same position in another year’s time. I had some individual counselling which helped me work out what I wanted (or didn’t!) and it empowered me to get my ducks in a row and end things. Life is too short to be that miserable!

it’s probably different for everyone but there may be a crunch point. I’d definitely recommend counselling.

You know it's over when you feel better when they're not around, when you no longer have fun together, when you no longer look forward to seeing them.

Unfortunately, the spark can sometimes just die out.

When they irritate you constantly

When you just can't stand it anymore.

When you'd rather they were out of the house than in it.

For me it was death by a thousand drips, like a slow waterboarding until I just metaphorically sat up and screamed.

Sadly he is my DC Dad so I have to tolerate him in some sense for the next 11 years.

When you start fantasising about your perfect life and they don't feature

When you dread having to spend time with them

When you get the ick

When you look at them and have no idea why you ever liked them in the first place

Those were my main ones in my last LTR

It's difficult to answer, I think that if being with each other still feels good, you are attracted and can communicate there maybe hope. If not and you orefer time apart, think of a life being better without them, don't find the other attractive or they irritate you more often than not you have 2 choices, counselling or call it a day.

How do you know a marriage counsellor is good ? You can’t exactly ask friends and relatives for a recommendation !

I think if you're asking yourself those questions it's already reached that point, I made the mistake of soldiering on despite everything that was going wrong between my ex partner and I, and all I did was just set myself up for more years of extra misery, time is precious, we can't put our lives on 'rewind'.

It's very difficult to answer because it's like saying 'How hungry do you get before you eat?' It's up to you and your feelings, not a definable point.

I'd say 'When you're posting on internet forums rather than trying to sort it out with your partner' is a fair rule of thumb.

Thanks for all the answers. Good advice there!
I don't want it to be over, but I think it will be soon. I am trying to sort it out with my partner but it's so hard.
We're on holiday now. My sister and her partner are here. She asked him to do something before to help her & he did it straight away. I was so jealous! He didn't make her wait! 🙄

For me it was realising:

• if I stopped making an effort in communicating, doing all the life admin, life planning and even fun planning - that there would be nothing said or done between us.
• that for the last few years I had to beg for small talk and was so confused at how I could be in the same room and ignored day and night.
• every time he told me he wouldn't prepare dinner for our son "because I know he won't eat it". This includes on Christmas evening with a fridge packed full of food.
• that when his dad passed, he made travel arrangements with his sister that didn't include me, as he assumed I would be at home with our son (despite having numerous options for childcare)
• that he took 3 years to agree to marriage counselling and then firstly we got sacked by the first one because she said he wasn't engaging and the second one told him talk is cheap and that he needed to follow through on communicating outside of the sessions.
• when he told me that he wasn't going to beg me to stay in the marriage.
• when he blanked me day and night for 6 months once he knew I had given up trying to fight for the marriage and was preparing to leave.

-when he was visibly not fussed when I got rushed to A&E with a possible life threatening illness. He just went to bed after I got there in the ambulance. Didn't tell my parents or anyone else.

Sorry the list is long. Wise mumsnetters told me that the feeling of relief would be immense once I left. They were not wrong.

When the prospect of being single was just a swirl of excitement and relief - no sadness at all. Him not being interested in me stopped hurting because I didn't care what he felt anymore. It happened like the switch flicking that many talk about and felt so incredibly freeing. A couple of months prior I had been devastated that he had chested and wanted to leave me. It all felt so crushing and endless, even when we decided to give it another go. The lightness of the flicked switch was a glorious sensation that I can still feel when I remember that time many years later.

@SleepWarrior that sounds so familiar.

When DH hinted at separation over Christmas, I was just devastated.

A few months on from that and I was secretly browsing on rightmove, dreaming of my solo future.

I can pinpoint the exact day my mindset changed.

We made it official two weeks ago and I’m looking forward to the next chapter.