Ex has new family - our kids dont know

[Cuteytootie]

Im in a bit of a dilema. Ive recently discovered my ex (of 3 years) has & is living with his partner & her child about 20minutes away, but he hasnt told our kids about any of it (I found out accidently via something on socials 🙄)

He sees my 11yo daughter once a fortnight for the day, my eldest doesnt bother with him much.

When lockdown hit he claimed to be living at his vulnerable parents 50miles away and so he didnt see either of the kids for a long time - hes still claiming to live there.
Ignorance was def bliss, but now I know I feel like theres a bomb in my kids lives that could go off at any moment. Inevitably theyre going to be hurt, but would you push it now to get it over with (i.e confront him) or just leave it and have it hanging until he comes clean/ gets caught out?

I’d leave it until the time comes when he has to tell your children. Don’t do his work for him. It doesn’t sound as if your children will find out on their own anyway and if they do you can always pretend you didn’t know.

And through family experience I know these things are very hard - please don’t think I don’t have a clue based on my reply.

Tough one! Hard to know what to reply though without knowing all the back story.

Is the child he’s living with his child too or has he just moved in with his gf who happens to have a child?
If the child is a half-sibling then the kids need to know. If not, just leave it and let your ex decide when or if he wants to tell the kids he’s living with a new gf. Not telling them may actually be the best course of action if he’s not sure the relationship has legs or if he knows the gf’s lifestyle and what you will accept for your kids are incompatible. Him keeping his kids entirely separate is a bigger red flag for the gf to be honest. In her position I wouldn’t be happy with this behavior. Mind you I’d never move in a bf with children I’d never met.
He’s clearly not wanting to be an involved father who provides a home with space for his children anyway.

Ignorance was def bliss, but now I know I feel like theres a bomb in my kids lives that could go off at any moment. Inevitably theyre going to be hurt,

I think that potentially he has done the right thing, introducing children to a new partner quickly can be damaging. I think you are over reacting to the fact that your ex has moved on as well.

It's not really a new family - by the sound of it, the child is hers and he has just moved in. In some ways, he may be doing the right thing keeping your kids away from it until things settle particularly if it's a recent situation... I'd keep it to yourself.

Thanks for the replies 😊
They have been living together since early 2020 - I dont know if the child is his or not, I dont think so (wouldve been conceived during our marriage if so) so its not a new relationship, and serious enough for him to be effectively step-dad to her child

Back story, I left him after 19yrs. He was controlling & a big drinker with some mh problems, our relationship was dead for a long time but sometimes its not that easy to get away!

Ive no issue at all with him moving on, especially if it means hes got somewhere stable that the kids can visit. I do have an issue with him deceiving them though (it is deception - he says she cant stay over night with him because theres no room at his parents house/ shes come home upset so many times because he tells her he misses her and hates being on his own...but doesnt want her any time outside the fortnightly deal)

Its also worrying that either the gf knows about them and hasnt wanted to meet them/ or worse, maybe she doesnt even know about them.

Ugh, ignore the comment about not accepting him moving on...
He's a jerk for not doing what's necessary to see his daughter. I would leave it as is, I doubt he'll change.

My ex has done this well it's slightly different he was cheating with this other woman while we had an infant at home,it went in for months brought the kids around her under the pretence he was taking the kids to give me a break 🙄 she had 2 young kids also,so my kids know about her & I don't hide that he left me not them for her(though he's pretty much non existent in the last year since I asked him to leave) but they had a baby about 5/6 months ago & he's not told them, he's only seen them once since but I've stood on I'm not telling them,I've had to tell them everything so far so on this I just won't do it, though it seems to be going belly up with them too now she's found out about a secret baby he has that was conceived while I was pregnant with our 2nd (he's a shit yep ) & she's not happy 🤦🏻‍♀️🥴,she emailed me to tell me she wasn't the reason my family broke up which I now see as a blessing.

He's manipulating yr DD in order to get his way. I'd "strongly" encourage him to tell her, citing her current upset. I'd be tempted to say to him that you'll tell her if he doesn't. Does she see his family eg grandparents?

AubadeIsIt - def a jerk amongst other things!
FridaysGirl - sorry you went through that, might be a blessing but you still get the fall out.
JanglyBeads - she sees his parents & brother sometimes when she spends the day with him, who must all be in on it (and that doesnt surprise me)