I've (M32) been dating my girlfriend (F35) for about one year now, and she wants to move in together, but there is something that's feeling more and more like a deal breaker. I'm not sure how to process this. It'll probably be a lengthy post, but this is a hard thing to write down, for me - as far as organization goes.
My girlfriend, when we met, was coming back from surviving breast cancer which left her immunocompromised, so I agreed that I would be very careful of COVID, like her. It didn't seem like a huge deal at the time, because I had been staying away from high-risk COVID situations, myself. Over the next few months, I voluntarily stopped going to gatherings for friends and family. I wanted to be there, since I have very strong bonds with my family and many of my friends, but I was also getting to know my new girlfriend, so I decided to forego those - reason being that if I were to see people in a gathered setting, she requested I give her a week grace period for COVID. I wasn't willing to wait potentially two weeks to see her every time I decided to go to a BBQ, so early on in the relationship. Flash forward to Christmas - we came to an impasse over who I would be spending Christmas with. I of course thought it was a no-brainer that I would be spending Christmas with my family, as I've done every year so far, but my girlfriend was upset that I was planning on spending it with them, so I eventually caved and just spent it with her family. I've never met anyone who insisted that I not do things with my family. They're good people, who just have quirks, like any family, that my girlfriend takes exception to. They couldn't believe that I'd skip it for a girl I've only been dating for 6-ish months, and I couldn't believe I was going with it, really, either. "Must be love", I figured. I went back and forth with her for a week about it, and even called some friends to ask for advice, because it didn't feel right to do - at all. Her main sticking point was that my family didn't consider me enough to agree with my COVID requests (opening windows in the house for ventilation, in the northeast winter), so she kept telling me "I'm trying to make my own family", when I would, in protest, tell her how important it is that I do things with my family. Her family being mom/dad/sister/brother in law. I should mention that I didn't really ask them to make some concessions on our behalf. Girlfriend knew that, though, that I didn't feel comfortable dictating terms to my family. I've always just gone with the flow, my whole life, so being demanding of them is something that would make me wildly uncomfortable.
So, flash-forward a few more months, to Easter. I decided to put my foot down a bit and demand that I was going to Easter, despite it being indoors. While talking to my cousin, he told me that his parents were concerned about me, because they went from seeing me a few times per month, to only a few times in the past year. I didn't argue with it. I agreed. I was starting to feel isolated from my family, and guilty for not only not seeing them in a long timer, but feeling guilty that my girlfriend was essentially letting me go. So later, I told her what my cousin said. She. Was. Pissed. It made her very upset that my aunt and uncle, who she's only met once, would say, behind our backs, that they were concerned for me. She tried to have me confront them and "tell them you're happy." I couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew how it looked from the outside. We got in a few arguments over it.
Anyway, flash-forward again to this past month. She says she wants us to move in together. I'm pretty on the fence about that. On top of how she's involved with my family, she thinks that my attachment to my friends is juvenile, and something that I'm holding onto from my childhood. Several of my friends are as close to me as family, and I'm lucky enough to have them since childhood. I haven't seen them in the past year the way I haven't seen my family. They've been asking the same questions as them.
One thing that's been really concerning me, is that I found out (she told me) that her oncologist said she's not immunocompromised anymore, since it's been a few years out, and that she should go on and live her life like anyone else. I saw this put to practice when she crossed one of her own rules, and visited her parents only two days after them being in a wedding party, simply because she missed them. I said "yes, of course", and used that as leverage to go visit my aunt and uncle for the first time in months. She said I could go as long as I made sure to steam when I get back (it's this holistic Indian seed that apparently helps neutralize COVID in the nostrils or something. I don't really believe in it, but she sure does, and does it every day. She request that I do to, so I do).
Since she wants me to live with her, I sat her down the other day and told her that I don't feel the same way about COVID as she does anymore. Even though I do think we need to get on with our lives with some normalcy - I'm still cautious. I guess I just figured that if COVID was the actual reason for how she's been treating my relationships, then I wanted it understood that I'd be willing to risk the outcome. In a cowardly way, I actually used that partly to tell her I think we need to take a break.
After a few days of not talking, she told me that she would relax with the COVID stuff, and we agreed to talk about resuming the relationship. The outcome of that talk, was that while she was going to relax on COVID, we ultimately ended up negotiating that seeing my friends/family a "few times per month" was a healthy balance. She said that I can spend time with my friends as long as I make sure that she still feels important/like a priority. This is understandable I think, to a degree, but these were never conditions for me to be able to see my friends, before COVID concerns were off the table. She only has a few friends, and they're from work, so I think she associates certain friend activities as things that just evolve into Sunday brunches, after a certain age. She says as people get married and start their families, they don't have as much time for friends anymore, which is of course generally true, but, my friends can still spend time with their other friends. They don't limit their entire friendship to text messages and Facebook posts.
So now I'm left wondering - are these actually COVID concerns, or just her trying to keep me from seeing who I want? Part of me feels bad for being upset with her, because I do feel like this may have something to do with PTSD from her battle with cancer. I would never be so blunt as to say that to her though. I did say, however, that I think she's a little controlling because of how her father acts. She literally hates him, and it's partly due to him leaving at random times of the day, and then coming home shitfaced at 3 am. I should also make it very clear that she never once told me that I couldn't see my friends/family. In fact, she reminds me whenever we have this argument, that she never told me that. But it's pretty implied how she wants things to go, and even bargains with me when I do go. I feel like if I took a harder stand with this, early on in the relationship, maybe it wouldn't have gotten to this point. I can be pretty non-confrontational/timid when it comes to arguing. This is all enough to get me to leave her for good, but I love so, so, so many things about her. I didn't mention that so far, because I didn't think it had much of a bearing. I'd really rather stay with her and try to work through it, but my family and friends already don't like her from all of this, and she feels mutually about them.
I know I wrote this all out like I already came to my conclusion, but I'm not just looking for validation. I really can't tell if this is me just examining the situation way too hard. I don't know if this is just her nature, or something she would be able to work through eventually. It's the #1 issue in our relationship, and I feel I've made it clear many times how important the other people in my life are. I told her that I'm not picking them over her, but they're also not making me pick.
TL;DR: Girlfriend of one year is making me feel disconnected/isolated from my friends and family. I can't tell if it's malicious/intentional, or if it's something that she can't help.
Thanks for reading.