Why is he so mean

[lostfunn]

So I don’t know what I’m expecting to get out of posting on here but I need an outlet. My husband is so nasty to me, he’s said some of the worst things you could say to a person. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror any more because he’s made so many comments about my appearance that I have no confidence any more.
We’re a very ‘blended’ family and me leaving him isn’t really an option at the moment. I’ve not long had a baby so hormones have been mental, we’ve been arguing loads. But he’s just so nasty. I feel like he is repulsed by me and I wonder does he actually love & want me ? Would he stay with me if he really thought those things? I’ve lost all of my confidence around him, because I’m thinking of what’s been said, it’s really got into my head! Feel like I’m going around the bend - it’s also making me insecure about the marriage and when he goes out I’m thinking all kinds of things 🥺

Would you be able to speak to your midwife or health visitor about this? It sounds really worrying. What's your situation? How many children and who do they belong to? Whose house is it?

You do have to leave. He isn’t going to get any better and you deserve better

Well that’s because he’s abusive and your head is mashed because he abuses you. I’m so very sorry. You need to make plans to get out AND STAY OUT.

Many abusers start being abusive when the woman becomes pregnant, and your OP seems to fit the pattern. Speak to woman's aid or health visitor

Please don’t worry - I’m coping very well with the baby and I’m of sound mind. Well apart from feeling down on myself. The house is ours. I can’t list too much info because if somebody I know reads this they’ll identify me and I’d be embarrassed 🥺
He says I’ve been hard work since the baby came but if he hadn’t of said what he’s said, I wouldn’t feel like this. Also it’s not my first baby with him,

‘My husband is so nasty to me, he’s said some of the worst things you could say to a person. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror any more because he’s made so many comments about my appearance that I have no confidence any more.’

You do not and should not have to ‘cope well’ with this. You should not be ‘embarrassed’ by this.

‘I feel like he is repulsed by me and I wonder does he actually love & want me ?’

He is abusing you, he doesn’t love you. Love does not say the nastiest things in the world to you.

Seek help to leave for yourself and your children.

Please don’t tolerate this. You know it’s not acceptable. Does he have a drinks or drugs problem? When did this start?

@LadyWithLapdog he’s always had a sharp tongue - but lately it’s just been so much worse. He does drink a bit to often. He’s always been the same as far as I know. I think I just feel sad that it’s clear my marriage isn’t working and that he doesn’t love me, I know he can’t if he’s being the way he is. Just don’t understand why he’d stay with me and not just leave

Just don’t understand why he’d stay with me and not just leave

Because it's not you. He's not acting this way because you've done something to warrant it. He'd be like this with anyone else.

He doesn't want a happy, loving relationship. He wants someone he can abuse. So currently he's actually getting exactly what he wants out of the relationship, no matter how much he pretends otherwise.

For that reason things won't get better. I would really encourage you to speak to Women's Aid.

He is abusing you because he enjoys being abusive, you did not cause his abuse. You are feeling ground down by his abuse, he is feeling great that he has all the power.

Thank you all X

You're looking for an explanation because you want it to make sense to you. Abuse will never make sense to you, because you're a decent, respectful person. You need to accept that the only explanation for his behaviour is 'That's the way he is.' or 'That's his personality.' or 'That's how he chooses to behave.'

You can torture yourself forever and drag it out for years, trying to work out why. But is that how you want to spend the start of your child's life? This precious time that you'll never get back... do you really want to spend it trying to work out why a mean man is mean?

So tonight I’ve realised he’s using our sons Twitter as his phone is broken and our sons acc is following a porn account x my initial reaction was to check my sons iPad which I was glad wasn’t logged into Twitter but when I told my husband about the account being followed he flipped. Told me I’m like the police checking on people etc called
me all kinds kicked me out the living room and I am sure that’s because he’s using our sons Twitter on our sons phone! I’ve been called all kinds because of this and when I try and make it up he won’t let me. This is surely a narcissist??? PleAse tell me I’m not mad

You know you’re not mad. He’s vile. Please make a plan to leave him. What he’s doing would constitute child abuse if your son comes across the porn he’s leaving on his device and his account.

@RoyKentsChestHair he would never ever fall into that category and he would never want our son to see. He knows it’s him who’s been caught out hence the reaction and name calling. I’m just so stuck and I know when he wakes it will be all on me.

He's abusive, thats what it boils down to.

Also, why would you want someone anywhere near you who wants to make you feel shit about yourself. Thats not something you tolerate from an acquaintance, let alone someone who should want to love and protect you.

Start taking small steps to get ready to leave.
Be sure to double up on birth control (eg: the pill and condoms) if you are still sleeping with him.
Hopefully once you are feeling strong enough after having this baby, you'll be able to leave.

But don't be slow to say 'don't speak to that way' and leave the room every time he starts that bs in the mean time. Also take steps to improve your confidence. Eg: every day, look in the mirror and tell yourself something you like about you. Doesn't have to be physical. You could also treat yourself to a spa day or new haircut. Little things.

Remember, he wants you to feel shit about yourself so everything he says has an agenda. And its bs.

The sooner you can go the better.
Speak with women's aid and a solicitor about divorce. Confide in people you can trust about the way he talks to you. Try to stay physically healthy and take as much me-time as you can. Even if it's just taking the baby to the Park and sitting with a coffee for an hour each day.

There provably won't come a day where you wake up and go 'right, today i feel strong enough to leave'. Usually you just have to bite thr bullet and do it. So I recommend giving yourself a set timescale. Eg: Im going to leave him before the baby is 9 months old. So what steps to I need to start with now to ensure that its as easy as possible to leave before then.

MIght also be worthwhile reading lundy Bancroft 9 types of abuser (is online if you google).

You deserve a happy life. And please know that your needs and your feelings, are valid.

Hi, I have been through something similar, I left 7 years ago and best thing I ever did. My child is now 8. It was very hard at first but now he has a new wife and guess what? He is even worse with her but she must be so ground down she stays. Get out seriously.

He may not like the label, but from the NSPCC website - different types of abuse, exposing a child to sexual acts is on the list of things that constitute sexual abuse of a child.

@RoyKentsChestHair i understand but he’s using the Twitter account as his phone is broken - our son has no access to the account while he has his phone. He definitely wouldn’t want our son seeing anything like that. I get what you’re saying of course x

@Pinkbonbon wow thank you for this info x it’s so sad but I want him to want me. I really don’t want this marriage to fail 💔

you are not mad
he is horrible, abusive and downright nasty
He won't change
you can survive without him. You can split. maybe not right this exact minute but with some help and planning, soon enough

Imagine NOT living like this. Imagine everyone in your home liking you and being nice to you. That can be your life.

And also, think of your children. What is happening with your son's phone is grim. What they are all seeing as normal behaviour is almost grimmer.

Ask for help in real life and make a plan. please.

He's a vile, abusive pig. You have nothing to be ashamed about. You need to leave.

The thing is though, the marriage has failed already. Because he isn't a nice person and he doesn't and will not support you. So really, it's a sham marriage.

You say you don't want it to fail just after saying, you want him to want you. So is it your fear that if he doesn't want you, if it fails, it its somehow because you don't have value?

Since when did someone else have the right to determine your worth?

What about you? What do you think of you? Where has your self love gone? In leaving him, I suspect you would gain something much more precious back. Your self value. Your self respect. Your self love.

No matter how much you want someone else to value you. The most important thing is that YOU value you. That's what you need to be trying to find your way back too. That's the thing that's worth fighting for.