Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU for telling him he should have been more upfront about moving away?

25 replies

Fallingslowly26 · 24/06/2022 22:24

I went on a third date with a guy last night (we met online). Our first two dates had been great - we seemed to have a lot in common and slept together both times. Our date yesterday started really well - dinner followed by some drinks.

About two hours into the date, he revealed he planned to move to a new city within the next couple of months (about two and a half hours drive/train journey away). He said he absolutely didn’t see himself settling in the city we’re currently in and he wanted to make a fresh start elsewhere.

I was so surprised to hear this as there had been absolutely no mention of this on the first two dates or in any messaging back and forth. I asked him why he was only bringing it up now and he said that I should have asked him what his long term plans were.

Ultimately I ended up getting annoyed and told him that he should have been honest with me even before we went on our first date, that I felt like he had wasted my time, and we ended the date there and then.

In this situation, I would have expected someone to be upfront from the get go if they were just looking for some casual fun before moving. Was my reaction a bit over the top? Ive always thought it’s a bit intense asking someone about their long term plans when it’s early on in the dating process - but I suppose this situation has highlighted that this kind of conversation is needed and the earlier the better!

OP posts:
User1406 · 24/06/2022 22:50

I see this situation all the time, except worse. You've wasted 3 dates. I've seen people waste 3 years or more.

I absolutely think that people should discuss long-term goals/ambitions early on and, in a way, he has discussed it early on with you. Though I agree that it may have been helpful to tell you from the first date.

Just think yourself lucky that you're only 3 dates in. You can choose to call it quits now if you want. I mean, was he after a casual fling? Or does he genuinely want something serious and thinks that long-distance is a possibility?

If you're willing to give things a go, then it's an idea to have a more in depth conversation about long-term goals.

I once worked with a woman who was in a relationship with her boyfriend for 6 years.... only to find out that he didn't want more kids (he already had one from a previous relationship). That was 6 years wasted for her and they broke up over it. This is why it is so important to have those big conversations early on.

IodineQueen · 24/06/2022 22:51

I think it’s best not to have sex or get too invested so early on, for reasons like this!

OompaLoompaa · 24/06/2022 22:57

Would you have felt the same if you had not had sex with him?

Mysteriousnotice · 24/06/2022 23:06

Sex does not equal a relationship.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 24/06/2022 23:14

User1406 · 24/06/2022 22:50

I see this situation all the time, except worse. You've wasted 3 dates. I've seen people waste 3 years or more.

I absolutely think that people should discuss long-term goals/ambitions early on and, in a way, he has discussed it early on with you. Though I agree that it may have been helpful to tell you from the first date.

Just think yourself lucky that you're only 3 dates in. You can choose to call it quits now if you want. I mean, was he after a casual fling? Or does he genuinely want something serious and thinks that long-distance is a possibility?

If you're willing to give things a go, then it's an idea to have a more in depth conversation about long-term goals.

I once worked with a woman who was in a relationship with her boyfriend for 6 years.... only to find out that he didn't want more kids (he already had one from a previous relationship). That was 6 years wasted for her and they broke up over it. This is why it is so important to have those big conversations early on.

He said he was looking for a long term relationship and that he would be open to a long distance arrangement. However, not something that is going to work for me when my job is very much based in my current city (and will be for many years)

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 24/06/2022 23:15

OompaLoompaa · 24/06/2022 22:57

Would you have felt the same if you had not had sex with him?

Probably not to be honest . Sex makes things feel that you know someone more intimately than you actually do.

OP posts:
rea2022x · 24/06/2022 23:19

Really irritating, it's like they've led you on. If men want casual sex at least be honest. Like PP said, least he's told you now and not later on when you've dated for months and he does a disappearing act! This isn't your guy! Someone much better for you out there xxx

CrystalCoco · 25/06/2022 07:19

This is a really crappy thing for him to have done and it was absolutely on him to tell you - but to then suggest that it was on you for not asking him his long-term plans!?

What an arse, I think you've had a lucky escape tbh!

KosherDill · 25/06/2022 07:36

Does dating always have to have an end goal of a permanent relationship? Can't it just be for a pleasant experience?

I can't imagine going off on someone because of their personal plans.

Annoyedwithmyself · 25/06/2022 08:27

If you said you were looking for a relationship and not a casual fling then yes he should have been upfront with you. People's time is valuable and not everyone wants a long distance relationship.

girlmom21 · 25/06/2022 08:33

He was testing you from the start. He won't ever be honest with you unless you ask exactly the right question. Don't waste any more time.

donquixotedelamancha · 25/06/2022 08:40

If men want casual sex at least be honest.

He brought it up on the third date. To me that's plenty early to discuss long term prospects.

They shagged on the first date so presumably both wanted casual sex.

It seems odd to me to feel that 3 nice dates are wasted because of potential plans in several months.

Darhon · 25/06/2022 08:45

I think first date is a bit of a nothingness. Sometimes called date zero as you just see if there is any attraction. I’d expect it to be quite light in terms of topics covered. Second date is more moving on a bit. I’d be fine it being mentioned 3rd date, I think he likes you and wanted to know if you would do long distance. You don’t and don’t like him enough to want to consider it. You are only 3 dates in? How long have you ‘known’ him? A month or 2?

SummerWhisper · 25/06/2022 08:48

He's turning this on you saying that you should have asked a specific question. What an evasive, deceitful toad. All your fault for not knowing something that was going on inside his head. Be free of him and never go back.

HokeyK0key · 25/06/2022 08:49

He brought it up on the third date. To me that's plenty early to discuss long term prospects.

Me too. The third time you meet someone is a perfect time.

It would be very presumptuous to start telling someone your long term life plans straight away.

BiscoffSundae · 25/06/2022 09:00

When do you think he should have told you? Tbh if you slept with him on the first date then you didn’t exactly hang around to find things out so I’m not sure you can be upset!

Annoyedwithmyself · 25/06/2022 09:08

He should have said before they met that he was planning to move soon but happy to so long distance. A 2+ hour travel distance would be an obvious deal breaker for a lot of people.

BiscoffSundae · 25/06/2022 09:14

Probably wanted a shag tbh and didn’t want to put her off, it’s the risk you take... I don’t think he needed to say before he met her as these are the types of things you usually discuss on dates, how many people tell their life story before actually meeting someone.

Annoyedwithmyself · 25/06/2022 09:36

Not full life story but the big deal breakers- I'm moving away is one of them. What's the point in having the date if the other person can't or doesn't want to accommodate this? Just for sex or company maybe but that isn't great behaviour if you've not said that's all you're looking for.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 25/06/2022 09:40

He may or may not be moving but he definitely doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Now that he has had sex with you a few times he doesn't have to pretend he wants a relationship, and he is finding out whether, knowing this, you are still up for occasional sex, when he feels like it.

hotcoldnotsold · 25/06/2022 12:13

I can understand why you're upset but bringing it up on the 3rd date is fine. Because let's be honest, who shares all their hopes and dreams and plans for the future with a stranger. Please please don't judge yourself for sleeping with him! Presumably you enjoyed it and had a good time? Not every date needs to end in long term, if you enjoy it for the experience of connecting with another human, it feels less awful.

There may be women who don't mind long distance or don't mind a 'let's see where it goes' or are happy to consider a move themselves. He doesn't know until he's spent more time with you. I never mention I'm divorced until the 3rd/4th date and sleeping together as I need to know a person more before I divulge my past.

If it does bug you, in the future bring up before you meet how long they've been in the current place and do they like it. That tends to get a response on their real feelings and where they want to go. Or if they like their current job. Or travel plans. So subtly suss out whether they like their current life or want a change.

I did this recently with a guy I was chatting to. Asked him if he liked where he lived. He told me that he did but couldn't see himself here long term. That led to a short conversation about where he'd go if he could leave today, and the place he said made it clear that city life was not for him. He was mid 30s so I knew this move was imminent and declined to meet. And that's an easy way to suss out early doors what someone wants.

hotcoldnotsold · 25/06/2022 12:18

Also a lot of people genuinely don't see distance as a barrier which surprises me. On MN you'll get loads of people travelling long distances to date so I can see why some guys think no biggie. Years ago I declined to go on a third date with a guy who lived in the same city but door to door commute was about 2 hours on multiple public transport. Did it once and couldn't bear doing it ever again. He was so shocked it was a consideration and tried to convince me otherwise. So some people think love conquers all including distance (it doesn't always!)

OompaLoompaa · 25/06/2022 12:21

I think people can see the distance would be a problem for a long term relationship but this was two people who’d been out a couple of times.

custardbear · 25/06/2022 12:41

Having sex on a first date sounds quite a casual start to a hopefully long term relationship (or maybe in just too old lol!) so mixed messages here. Did you talk about future or was it all very here and now? Three dates in and talking about relocating... is this definite or is it a way to get you to cool off?

AubadeIsIt · 25/06/2022 16:07

TheYearOfSmallThings · 25/06/2022 09:40

He may or may not be moving but he definitely doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Now that he has had sex with you a few times he doesn't have to pretend he wants a relationship, and he is finding out whether, knowing this, you are still up for occasional sex, when he feels like it.

This.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page