Am I going mad or is this a thing?

[milkyway512]

this is going to sound really ridiculous, but please bear with me. There was this situation at school where this girl got excluded from her friendship group over something I said. I regret it so much and feel guilty most days because not only that but she had severe anorexia. I’ve spoken with a therapist about it and I’m working on my guilt and moving past this.

basically, I’ve got this feeling that karma is going to get me, and that I’m never going to find true love or be loved in a monogamous healthy way as a karmic punishment. I have this sense I’m only being loved in order to raise my self esteem, and then they’ll go and be with someone else. Every boyfriend I’ve had since the event has either been in love with their ex still or not totally into me. I see signs about karma all the time. It makes me terrified to open up and fall in love as I feel I’m being loved in a ‘different’ way to most people and that they’re inevitably going to leave or cheat on me. Like I’ll never find the kind of normal love most people have.

is this real, can this sort of thing happen as some sort of divine punishment, or is it all in my head? I know it sounds crazy but any insight into this would be appreciated greatly.

It is all in your head I'm afraid. It may become real but only because you'll behave differently due to thinking it is a real thing. I would suggest you need to confide in a friend or better still seek professional advice if this type of thinking is not a one off for you. It's not healthy in the long term and you'll miss out things that really matter as a result of being so consumed with the totally improbable. Sorry if that seems blunt but you posed a serious question. All the best!

Thank you so much 😊 I really appreciate it as I think it’s true! It’s not a one off for me, I think I knew it deep down but I just needed the confirmation from others. Thank you again

At school you were a child, and girls do these nasty things but you are truly sorry and so karma will leave you be. Please
dont worry, forgive yourself and move past it.

Have you posted about this before? Not that it matters of course but, if so, I'm sorry you're still feeling this way. There were some great responses on the other thread.

That is not how karma works. Look it up.

I read a book years ago by a self-help 'guru', quite famous but I can't remember which one. I do remember one thing she said, I've lived by it and I believe it still.
Karma only exists if you want it.
When you understand that, you are free. Be free.

Not sure what your therapist said op but these sound distinctly like ocd thoughts to me.

Everyone does something a bit shit in their life. Probably many times tbf. But there are plenty of people who do the worst shit ever and they still end up with partners. Hell, even Hitler bagged a beauty.

Consider more, self fulfilling profecy op. To some extent, the reality we imagine comes into fruition. If we think we deserve good things, then we stop accepting less than that.

Bringing some positive energy into your mindset might help. How about creating a vision board of all the things you want to do in life and perhaps, of what you would like in a partner. Then look at it every day and visualise it. You'll probably find you'll attract it - because it makes you start taking steps towards it (and step away from things that are not it).

Also continually read up throughout life on how to spot people who don't have your vest interests at heart (emotional abusers, players ect). If I doubt about a guys behaviour - u can always check on mumsnet too.

But defo speak to the therapist about ocd. If it's that then she can hopefully help you manage it better.

Thank you so much!! This really helped a lot - I’ve been going through the replies on the last forum I made and this one too and it’s making me feel a lot better. Thank you for taking the time to reply!

I’m sorry you’re struggling to let this go OP, it seems like it’s become almost an obsessive worry/thought for you. No one in this world is 100% good or 100% bad, no one. We have all done Bad Things, some worse than others of course , and we’ve all made poor choices as children. The fact that this haunts you so badly, shows how much you regret it, which in turn shows empathy and compassion, they’re good qualities to have. If you’d never given it a second thought, you’d have learnt nothing.

Karma isn’t real, but we do make our own ‘luck’ of sorts. I remember seeing a Darren Brown tv show on luck, how it’s all in your mind, might be one worth watching so that you can see from an outside perspective how people make their own fortune. I think because you’re looking for your punishment, you’re seeing it everywhere and that confirms in your mind that you’re being punished.

Look around you. Do you see a world where people get the lives they deserve? Do the nicest people get the best of everything, and the awful ones live miserable lives? Of course not.
People talk about karma because they want to believe in justice, but really it's actually pretty offensive to people who have awful things happen, because it's basically saying they must have deserved it.
We all do things we regret, and if there's no way to make amends to the person, all we can do is hold the feeling and make sure we don't do anything like it again. You are punishing yourself. The universe won't.

No, it is not a thing. Its all just random incidents and nothing to do with what you did as a child. If Karma was a thing no one would commit a crime or an act of violence and walk away unpunished, but many do. Equally good, kind people die early of cancer, so its all nonsense.

You regret your cruel words, you can do no more than that except be kind and help people where you can

Anorexia is a complicated illness and is ultimately about control. Lots of things can trigger it. I think you should let this go.

I went to school with some vile girls. People move on and deal with it.