I feel like grieving

[Milou89]

I am working with this guy since july 21. Realised around january my interest for him but waited until april To ask him for a coffee (his contract end this week). Since april, we are seeing eachother outside our job about 1-2 times a week. Sadly, I'm realising that he is really different and more complicated in personnal life. I know that we all are, me for example I am more shy/introvert at job but Sam is almost another man....At job he's like the nice guy, polite, hard-working, good with teenagers...I know for sure that I'm not the only one at job who was under that impression. Some male co workers plays Dunjon Dragons outside with him and they are also discovering the character. The real Sam can be really nice one day and totaly in his shell the next day. Yesterday, he asked me if I want to go To the gym with him but I was struggling To talk to him, he was closed, no smile...And this kind of attitude happens a lot....He's always up and down, smoke weed, self esteem issues, compulsive with food and cafeine....And when I'm saying he's great with teenagers, I think he's maybe more comfortable with them than with people his age (early 30s). He's not a bad guy but I feel like I'm grieving the man I think he was, grieving a relationship that never happened...Thank you for reading me

This is the point of dating someone. Lots of people project an image in different work or social roles that isn't the real them. The real them can take months or years to understand, and sometimes it never happens at all so people remain a mystery for life. While it must be disappointing, it is best to find out that you are incompatible early-on so you can focus on other aspects of your life. All that time you were focused on him, you could have been looking around for someone more suitable. This is not criticism as lots of us get carried away and fictionalise a person into our dream partner, whereas the reality is rather different. Just quietly accept he is not for you and disengage.

I know this is part of dating someone but this is the first time that I feel the gap between the surface and the real thing is that uge (dont know if i'm clear ). The two boyfriends I had in my life were more transparents during the dating process.

Not really sure what your question is.

You can't compre him to other men because this who he is.

This is the real him. Or, at least, the him you would he in a relationship with. The him you see at work is qork him and doesn't exist outside of that.

Maybe not comparing him to the other guys I had in my life but comparing the situations. With ex-boyfriends I had an idea of what those guys where in real life but with Sam it is a complete surprise. Like I said, those who played D&D at home with him are also surprised of his true self. I think I'm feeling that way because I made bad choices in love in the past and this time, I was sure that I had met the perfect man for me. A bit naïve I know....