Standards for OLD - healthy or unreasonable?

[brassbronzegold]

Have been dabbling in OLD for a few months following on from my divorce. EXDH was very charming, intelligent and articulate. Had a lot of drive and energy about him. However (clearly!) it didn't work out and I like to think I'm open to meeting someone new who has a different outlook and approach to life.

I'm putting myself out there and speaking to/going on dates with lots of people who interest me. However I'm finding all it takes is one tiny little thing for me to be instantly turned-off and have no desire to pursue things further.

• Spends loads of time at the gym? Nope.
• Less-than-perfect spelling? Ick.
• Taking more than 72 hours to suggest another date after a successful previous date? Must be one of life's feet-draggers...
• Round his mum's house several times a week? Red flag.
• Thinks going to Bills is fine dining? Must be unworldly.
• Works in the arts? Won't have a stable income.
• Divorced? What did he do to piss his ex off? (Oh the irony of this one is not lost on me)

Am I just a demanding, stuck-up bitch? Am I fooling myself that I'm more open-minded than I really am, but in fact what I actually want is a replica of my ex? Am I not ready for another relationship and just looking for excuses not to go ahead? All of the above?

Or are these all examples of perfectly rational and logical concerns, and in fact what I need to keep doing is listening to my gut because it's trying to protect me from "settling" for someone who will turn out to be a time-waster?

I've lost sight of what's healthy.

I’m married, but if I was dating I can assure you that my list would be much longer than yours! All of yours plus many more based on footwear, cutlery usage, smell, political leanings, love of football, branded clothing, attitude to adventure, education level..
so if you’re a stuck up bitch, I’ll join you!

Presumably you're looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with? So they better be pretty fantastic!

Be as picky as you like!

OK but the divorce thing needs looking at. He may have divorced his wife because she was cheating on him.

My adult ds is round her a few times a week. Why a ref flag op?

What is "loads of time at the gym" and what's wrong it? DP goes to the gym three times a week for 2.5 hours each time, if he didn't he'd be very overweight and going to the gym keeps him fit.

I have two sons, can't they come round and see their Mum more than once a week? Am I never going to see them when they grow up because it's not acceptable to any girlfriend/wife for them to visit?

Agree with the spelling though!

I think part of this is the fear of 'getting is wrong again' so you come up with these lists of traits and attributes. But in reality those are necessarily the thing that will make you happy or not. Better to have boundaries around behaviours and values to find someone you are truly compatible with. How do they make you feel (not that rushy loved up feeling, you want calm and comfort), and can you be your whole self around them. But doesnt sound like any of the aforementioned hit those notes either, so carry on!

Good to keep to your standards, However when you know nothing about them it's easy to judge before you've spoken to them, divorce - well most likely a single adult will be divorced or out of a LTR, judge when you find out the reason.
Always at the gym? people like to portray their interests to look as exciting as possible, he might be at the gym everyday or once a week but as long as he finds time to date?

You aren't going to be around someone 24/7 anyway, it's healthy they have interests aside from dating.

What's wrong with Bill's? 😳

Also I know a man who works in "the arts" who's on course for earning millions this year, not that he would ever announce that, so you may want to be a little less judgemental with your list...

I don’t think there is anything wrong with having your own standards, but you might meet someone you really like who ticks all your boxes, but he could take one look at you and think “ don’t like X or Y about her”, so maybe be slightly more open minded?

I was the EXACT same, even down to wondering if I was being too picky or id catch myself wondering "if I met this man in a bar/at a hobby would I be as picky about XYZ?" But trying to push past the "no" feeling just didn't work.

Then my DH came along, with so many things I'd ditched or written off other men for. I wasn't convinced in the beginning but something in my gut kept telling me to keep seeing him and it was incredible. He is super thoughtful and affectionate, he is mature and hard working and I adore him. The things he does that were on my list of reasons to walk away dont matter really. I strongly believe those things thst put me off men were my gut telling me they weren't right for me and that's why when I met my DH they didn't seem to matter any more because they were petty things compared to his really good qualities.

Good luck and don't let it get you down.

Depends what you're looking for.

I am loving being single in my forties (so much glorious freedom) so my list of wants is pretty long.

I'd frankly rather be single than be with any mediocre man.

Some people are happy to compromise to be in a relationship.

Unfortunately, my basic wants on OLD- spelling, ability to hold a text conversation, not fat, single - eliminate 99.99% of the men on there. I'm fine with that.

Some seem reasonable others not. The divorce one seems far beyond reasonable but each to their own.

From my experience the reality is the people you will meet will be far from perfect, probably like you if you're honest. But if you can go in with an open mind and see past some superficial stuff which doesn't really matter then you could well find someone.

But if you go in with the this, that and the other is a red flag attitude you'll get nowhere unless very fortunate.

My list is even pickier than yours 😬

Just by way of a few examples...

Any pictures of children (theirs or otherwise)? ❌
"Gym rat" ❌
Pug/french bulldog in their pics? ❌
Holding a fish? ❌
"Love banter" ❌
"School of hard knocks" ❌
"No baggage" well why the fuck not, who gets to 43 without having any kind of past? ❌

I know, I know...but these things that give me the Instant Ick

I agree with your list!!

My list would not be a million miles from yours, (but I’d see an arts career as a positive.) It’s perfectly normal to seek ‘shared values’ and want to find someone who by their own description sounds like a match with you. I am not a believer in kissing lots of frogs. I’ve always been happier ruling lots of people out on the basis that they portray themselves as something that doesn’t float my boat. They may be perfectly fine but their sense of self might not align with my preferred type of partner. If you can’t see yourself enjoying a night out with a particular type, don’t swipe right.

No, you're not aiming too high. Most of the men on OLD are simply shit. The vast majority are extremely dull, zero personality, entitled, and incapable of holding a conversation.

I much prefer meeting men out and about now. It's much easier having an idea from the very beginning of their 'vibe', whether or not you gel, whether you get along in a basic way, etc. The downside is that obviously a lot of them aren't single, or they're otherwise unavailable (just visiting the city), but I still much prefer this way.

Seriously? Bill's is fucking awful. I wouldn't even go there for a casual burger with colleagues after work, let alone a date.

What age range? I think I would be more concerned about no experience of a LTR than a divorce.

Spends loads of time at the gym: great he cares about his health and it doesn't necessarily mean he's vain (my son goes every day and as previously a chubby youngster it is essential).
Less than perfect spelling? Hmm, depends how bad.
Taking more than 72 hours? My husband waited a week - busy and his sons were over.
Round his mum's? Than can mean anything from a caring healthy relationship to unhealthy dependency.
Don't know Bill's.
Works in the Arts? Well I do so would be a plus for me.
Divorced? Well you are too. And would it not be more unlikely that a 40 plus year old had never been married (assuming that's the age range).
Be as picky as you want, but I think having an open mind will be a more likely route to finding love again.

Having a set of wants and dealbreakers is good. But it also helps to think how might your perfect man view you and being very aware that men are similarly judging you. So I suppose you need to be realistic also about what you can get - have high self esteem but don't lose sight of the fact that dating takes two to tango. They have to like you too and a lot of people do forget this in search of perfection. Perfection may not like you back so experiment and try things. Think long and hard about how much of your list is based on bias and prejudice rather than experience or fact. But don't compare them to your ex as that never ends well. He's your ex for a reason!

I was confused by this too. I love an occasional Nando's and Pizza Express but have travelled more of the world than most and am a very sophisticated cook. But then I've met men who judge me for watching Love Island and Made in Chelsea (prob think I'm dumb) and I have to point out I have two post grad degrees in mathematical subjects, and get most only connect answers right. That's why I think when preferences are linked to stereotypes and biases, they're not a good thing.

Most of the men on OLD are simply shit. The vast majority are extremely dull, zero personality, entitled, and incapable of holding a conversation.

not going to be popular on this forum, but a lot of the women on OLD are like this as well, especially the dull comment, sorry.

Yay, another Postgrad who watches LI and is a fan of Pizza Express 🤣🙏🏼❤️ Have you been to the branch in Woking? I hear it's particularly memorable. I fully agree with your wider point, it's a bit of a risky strategy to base a life partner search on stereotypes. It's also pointless as I've found that a lot of these daft criteria go out of the window when you meet the right person. I was adamant I wanted a man with no kids - like me - but I've fallen for a man with 3 and am happy to be a stepmum as and when the time comes 🤷🏻‍♀️ Love does stuff like that ❤️

Absolutely agree. Dating/relationships are a two way street. Everyone should focus on what they can bring to a relationship, and dare I say it, consider self improvement, rather than concentrate on what others don't offer and soley on the negative, IMO. Nobody's perfect, especially at middle age/post divorce/separation.

Sounds like you are still in love with your ex.