Leave or have another child?

[Zewzew]

I can't talk to ay of my friends, so am hoping for understanding and honest advice here.

I'm 35 and have DS1 and DS2 who's 2 years and 5 months. I can honestly say that I'm not done having children - I have such a drive and know for sure that if I don't have another child, I'll think about it for the rest of my life.

BUT. I'm so tired of my relationship. My partner is a nice guy, but grew up with abusive parents and have basically newer witnessed a normal, loving relationship. His mom left him with his alcoholic dad, who then neglected my partner. I have a similair story myself, just less chaotic and I had a solid, loving longterm relationship with my ex for 10 years.
So we're a great and a horrible match at the same time. There's so much drama, chaos, and arguing, but when we're not, we're really good together. And also a common mission on giving our children a better childhood than we had ourselves. And we're really good parents, just not romantic partners - we will be starting couples therapy in 2 weeks though.

Anyway. I can honestly not tell if we'll be together in 5 years. If this continues, we wont. I want something better for myself, and want to be in a kind, loving and less dramatic relationship than I am now.

But should we have another child knowing this?

If those are the only options then leave is always the one you should pick.

NO NO NO. For goodness sake stop being so stupid and selfish

It is being selfish you’ve just framed the rhetoric so it doesn’t seem that way.
don’t be fucking stupid

Just no.

If you want a better life for your kids, don't stay in an unhappy marriage and bring another child into it.

Create a better life for the kids you already have.

There is no marriage. So easy enough to end the farce.

Just from the title I could see the answer is no don't have another child. If Leave is a realistic option in your mind, having another child is the OPPOSITE if what you should be considering.

It's not though, is it.
There are a million reasons OP shouldn't have another child. This isn't one of them.

It is. Do your research. She already has two children. It is selfish to bring some more to a planet that can hardly cope.

You do realise that siblings don't always get on, don't you?

And if you have a bigger family it's because you want it. I doubt your children could care less.

My parents had 3 kids, we never got along and still don't, money was always tight and we were always fighting over who gets what.
Do yourself a favour and leave it at 2.

2 very strange options.

Why would you? Marriage in trouble and two very young children already. I literally cannot think of a single good reason for you to have another child.

You already have 2 children and your relationship is poor. Of course you shouldn't have more. Each child already has a sibling so you can't use that argument. As a single parent, I'm sure you will have your hands full enough meeting the needs of your 2 children. Focus on them.

So insulting to only children, two siblings or parents of them. What, do we all have terrible lives just because we don't have a million siblings/kids? Get a grip on reality and if your relationship is shit then leave.

So we're a great and a horrible match at the same time. There's so much drama, chaos, and arguing, but when we're not, we're really good together.

This is completely unfair environment for one child to live in, let alone two.

And let alone potentially three.

The answer was no before I even read the post. Never have a child when the only other option is to leave.

I can't see why you think another sibling is the best outcome for existing children. Dur to your upbringing you might be under estimating the emotional work needed to nurture older children - babies are way easier than pre or teens.

It is selfish to have a child knowing your relationship isn't great, it's extremely selfish if you have a child when there is conflict in a relationship.

Your children will have their own partners and dc in time, and it is highly likely you will be around for many decades to come yet, so they won't just have each other.

What they need right now is not another sibling, but a happy family life and parents who actually get on with each other.

Go to counselling and try to fix your relationship.

"There's so much drama, chaos, and arguing",
"And also a common mission on giving our children a better childhood than we had ourselves"
"And we're really good parents"

🤨

I don't think drama, chaos and arguing go anyway towards a better childhood than you had or being 'good' parents.

Being good parents isn't just being slightly less shit than what you experienced. Raise your bar higher, OP. Because those things do not belong in the same paragraph.

Your children will have their own families. Perhaps they won't get along as adults. Have you thought about that?
Do you think children don't notice the chaos around their parents?
Why don't you focus on the ones you already have and forget about YOU? It's not always about what you want.