New to this, I really need some good life advice.
background- grew up in care, tough upbringing, lots of losses, some bad experiences, but fort through, bouts of depression, but manage it. Birth and foster parents all passed, rely on close friends for support (but try not too overload them), as it’s pretty much just me (not including OH and his family, who he is naturally their priority)
Been with Husband for 20 years, since 17, two kids, mid teens
Worked hard and purchased first forever home last year. Got everything ever wanted but always doubting relationship and trying to make it work and keep family together.
Had chats with husband but we are stuck in the same cycle, have been for years, the same issues come up, he is quite robotic and the next day everything is forgotten. I know my life start and circumstances will impact me in the way I feel and see things and I really try to see things outside our box and from a neutral view, taking into consideration he has been fortunate and not experienced real pain like i have and that’s not his fault, I accept everyone s different etc.
The brunt of it is, I feel very alone, I don’t feel he has supported me in the times I’ve needed him most, he has a demanding hobby, that takes top priority and we all revolve our life calendar around it. In the past he has left me suicidal to go to it, when I’ve been desperate. I think having separate hobbies is healthy, but this is full on and I’ve put up with it for 20 years, it runs in his family too. As times gone on I’m getting less and less upset, more detached, I don’t feel important to him, a priority, don’t feel he looks after me, don’t feel special. Our sex life is nearly non existent, he doesn’t make me feel attractive. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t protect me, make more of an effort given my background. I’ve told him all this over again, he usually doesn’t know what to say, his silence makes me spiral, sometimes I’m in tears and he still just sits there saying nothing, when I try to have a serious chat and he does talk, he says it’s not his intention to make me feel like this and will try and change this, but then nothing changes and I don’t see any real efforts it’s all just forgotten. It’s unhealthy for my mental health. I am scared tho, as I’ve no family support net, I’m not a good decision maker, I’m really soft and think about everyone else’s feelings and would not hurt anyone. I just think what would my parents tell me to do if they were here, what’s the best direction to go, am I being a mug. I just don’t want to turn this peace into lots of hurt.
I also turn to drink and food for comfort, drink at least twice a week and do so alot on my own.
I don’t know what we have in common anymore, I watch tv in the bedroom while he does in the living room. I don’t feel like he wants to go out with me, only if I say we never do anything. He’s not a bad person, never hurts me, does contribute his share in running the family and household. He is very confident, can be quite selfish and thoughtless, but he does most of the clothes washing :)
what do I do?
To add, there are other things that have happened over the years and times where I’ve felt really let down and unimportant.
Also I’ve done lots of counselling over the years, I’ve been on AD’s since I was a teenager, I am stronger than I’ve ever been, I do mindfulness, meditation and am always reading. Its just my current circumstances that get me down and how he makes me feel, though it’s not intentional.
Im feeling colder and colder with him and he’s irritating me a lot. I try to remind myself he’s still the same person from when I met him, I feel like I’m just giving up, cried all the tears, shouted all my shout, I’m tired.