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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it him or me?

7 replies

Deepdown · 24/06/2022 05:48

Weve been together 5 years.
Generally an awesome relationship, happy and in love. Sometimes though there are the odd little bits which make me question things.

Hes in touch with his ex quite a lot, they've got kids together. This doesn't bother me if it's about the kids. What's bothers me is, we'll be mid conversation and she will either text or phone him then he will shut me down completely and its only for her sending pictures of what she's having for tea or a manky toe nail!
She phones him quite a lot moaning about her boyfriend and she's wanting to borrow quite large amounts of money too.

About the kids fine, anything else sod off. Am I wrong?
He gets rather snappy with me when I make comments like.. whats she having for tea tonight then. Its like when I mention her he gets super defensive about it and I've started feeling like in his eyes she is more important than me. Surely his main focus now should be me and his kids? His future?

Anyway the things that's really pushed my buttons is he shouted at me mid week to stop asking if he's spoke to her. I said so basically you want your 'friendship' with XXXXXX and you want me to stay out of it.
He says no I didn't say that did I? See, I cant talk to you about anything you always twist it.

I told him if it carried on he would end up pushing me away..
Who's wrong here?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 24/06/2022 06:12

He is. Sounds like he enjoys her attention. I’d end it and send him back to her.

Deepdown · 24/06/2022 11:57

Thats what I feel like

OP posts:
Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 24/06/2022 12:00

Ime she will always be a thorn on your relationship..
Leave them to it imo op. If he needs /enjoys attention from his ex he isn't good enough for you is he?
Raise your bar.

KangarooKenny · 24/06/2022 12:03

Yep, you deserve better.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 24/06/2022 12:04

It's him

Deepdown · 24/06/2022 12:28

He never sees my side of it though. He's always saying we've got kids together she's gonna talk to me get used to it.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 24/06/2022 12:36

Tbf to the guy, it sounds like they are friends. And I'd be annoyed af if my partner kept making snarky comments about my friendships too.

That being said, i wouldn't be OK with him dropping me mid convo for her.

But you probably should have worked out how close they were before you and him got serious and determined whether or not it bothered you first.

You need to sit him down and have a serious chat about how you are feeling. Not 'nagging' or jibe. Just ask him if he is free to sit and have a chat with you. Then address it in terms of positives and a negative. Eg: 'I'm glad that you have a good relationship with your ex, for your kids sake. However, I've been feeling rather pushed aside lately by how much time you spend chatting with her. I know I haven't addressed it in the most mature way so I apologise and i'd like rectify that now. These are my needs moving forwards...(set some boundaries) do you think we can work together with that? How about you? Is the anything you want us to work on to make our relationship healthier?'.

If he cannot have a calm convo with you where you both feel heard and respected and your needs met, or if he throws a strop...then op, it's time to let him go.

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