Seeking.com

[Drowninginpoo]

It's been a while...so long that I'm pretty sure noone will remember me but I had so much support before and thought you might like catch up and follow what might be a slightly different ending?

I've been married to a narcissist for the last 17 years. A very common story I think, plenty of ups (three lovely children) but many, many downs. It all reached a head last year and I told him I wasn't happy and I was pretty sure he wasn't. I didn't either of us to live like that so something had to change. It was much better after that for a while.

Until today. My sister received a message from someone asking if she knew H. She said she'd got in touch with him on seeker.com (I'd never heard of it) and they'd met up but she decided he was too old so wasn't interested. He got cross apparently so she wanted to find out if he was likely to get back in touch with her or do anything physical. Who knows if that's true but I looked on his email and he has a subscription to that website. And so I began to dig. There are two people at least that he is in contact with to arrange meeting (he is working overseas), I had screenshots from one from a conversation he was having with someone yesterday. I then found receipts from flights, hotels.and restaurants that indicate he's been seeing someone since the middle of last year. He's flown her out to see him and vice versa. Such a cliché.

He doesn't know I know. I've been in touch with a solicitor and have all of our important paperwork here with me. He is oblivious to it all. I will bide my time until I feel a bit more in control of things.

But the weirdest part is that I am genuinely so happy and relieved. The thought of being with him in years to come made me feel awful. He's nasty, arrogant, charming, changeable and so derogatory to everyone. I really feel like it's his loss. He's welcome to this new life he's chosen. I'm very sad for the children and what he will be doing to them but am glad to not have to be part of his influence on them anymore. I will encourage a relationship with him but don't need to run around with emotional plasters after him any more. And it's liberating! Even though he's not due back any time soon and I don't even know if he has a key, I might have the locks changed as a symbol!

I used to envious of people leaving their husbands or wives but never felt it was the right time or right for the family. And now he's done it and given me my freedom back :)

Sorry for the rubbish mistakes/ grammar etc. Typing on my phone with a headache and I'm tired! Will proof read next one :)

Good. For.You.

It's very empowering to take back control of your life, isn't it? I'm sorry he's been so bad to you, cheated on you, but in doing so he's given you the gift of freedom. You can end things and it is definitively his fault. You have ample evidence if anyone ever tries to second-guess your decisions.

You sound confident and strong. Get as much of the groundwork done as you can while he's gone. Play dumb until you've got everything in place. Then get the best settlement possible. If he has money to blow on this secret life then he can afford to spend it on his children instead.

He never expected you to find out. Thanks to the woman who rejected him, you can build a future without this narcissistic cheat.

Good luck- you can do this!
Lots of unmumsnetty hugs to you and your DC.

Thank you :) especially for the hugs!

Yes, it's starting to sink in. I'm so cross for the kids but he's going to be the sad, lonely one at the end of the day.

Trying to get everything together - do you know if I will need proof of physical infidelity to file for divorce? Waiting for the solicitor to get back to me but curious.

Thank you!

I think it's something like 'unreasonable behaviour' or the like, now? Solicitor will advise. Keep all proof anyway.

Best of luck in your future freedom!

I believe that due to recent changes in the law all divorce is no fault now. Unfortunately!

I am in a similar situation and feel utterly violated by the one person supposed to love and cherish me.
So I understand where you're at right now. I felt relieved initially but that has been replaced by grief over the end of the long relationship. Every day is a different emotion. You just have to ride the rollercoaster.
Good luck to you.
What are you going to do next?

I am surprised that all women posters are perfect human beings, ideal mothers, extremely hard workers and all husbands, partners or soon to be ex-partners are all lazy, narcissistic, controlling and abusive. I think a little of self-criticism is required.

Gf I never said I was perfect. Far from it. But if I had a problem with a relationship, I would be an adult about it and talk or end it. Not tell everyone on my internet profile that I was divorced but keeping it amicable for the kids. And actually, in this case, he is not lazy at all. Far from it. He has worked hard to provide the best life for his kids after having a shit childhood himself. That doesn't stop him being a complete prick who tells people that they are low quality, loses his temper all the time, has no patience, won't talk to people he deems too fat, gay, unintelligent or ugly. And none of our friends or my family like him. Not one. But because he is larger than life and is generous to a fault, they put up with him. He has no relationship with his mum, dad, sister or half siblings.

It’s easier to file under unreasonable behaviour rather than have to prove adultery. You can still site the infidelity as proof of the unreasonable behaviour of you want to.
no fault divorce is an option but not the only one.

Thefuturelooksgood I'm so sorry this is happening to you too.

I'm speaking to a solicitor next week, taking screenshots of everything I can and will be divorcing him. I'll speak to him about it when I know what's what. Luckily he's in another country so it's easy enough to pretend.

I haven't got to the sad bit yet. Just relieved and angry for the kids.

Thanks pickle

I have screenshots of his dating app page.

@Drowninginpoo that doesn’t definitively prove infidelity though. Your solicitor will advise but I’ll imagine they’ll tell you to just cite unreasonable behaviour. It doesn’t make any difference to finances anyway.
sorry you are going through this.

Seeking is an escorting website (cash for sex) not a dating website.

You don't need to prove anything. You just divorce him. You can do it online. He cannot even contest.

The changes mean that a spouse, or a couple jointly, can now apply for divorce by stating their marriage has broken down irretrievably. It removes unnecessary finger-pointing and acrimony at a time where emotions are already running high, and spares children from witnessing their parents mudslinging.

Importantly, it stops one partner from vindictively contesting a divorce and locking their spouse into an unhappy marriage. In some cases, domestic abusers can use their ability to challenge the process to further harm their victims or to trap them in the relationship. The reforms will put an end to this behaviour.

Thanks - after more digging, more girls are coming out of the woodwork. He seems to go after young European dancers. One of them was so upset with how angry he got when she turned him down that she's going to the police.

@gfwantsmoney its very very unlikely that a judge will ever not grant a decree nisi, even if the other party objects. But agreed that no fault is less acrimonious.
seeking isn’t strictly an escort website, it’s a sugar daddy / sugar baby website. Some escorts try to use it. But it’s not strictly that. Not entirely the same thing.

That makes sense.

I genuinely didn't know that about seeking.com. My sister said she thought it looked like a sugar daddy site.

The law changed in April. Now there is no need for a reason as before. Also, I cannot be contested. If OP wants a divorce, pay the 500 pounds and do it online. www.gov.uk/government/news/blame-game-ends-as-no-fault-divorce-comes-into-force

Seeking.com is a sugar daddy dating website, people of course do escort on it but it’s primarily for usually younger women to meet rich and/or older men. Not everyone is an escort on it. It depends too.. some people view sugar daddy arrangements AS escorting.

LOL. Sign for it and check it yourself. 2 seconds before you get an offer.

If I were you I will do an STI test.

So the older men pay younger women for their amazing conversation skills? Please.

Of course they don’t.. but some of the women aren’t escorts, it’s an exchange looking at it from the outside in. Hence why I said some people view it as escorting, even though it’s not entirely and some women do want a rich bf.

You could say this about anything gf.. my boyfriend might be with me for my looks and not my conversation skills. I might be with him because he’s successful. No matter the dynamic, it’s always one person gains something in a partner and they look for that something.