Stately homes type advice

[Sweety87]

Hi just looking for some advice on how to deal with something regarding family, along the lines of 'stately homes'.

How best to deal with a message from a relative (flying monkey) who sends you a text after no contact for 6 months, pretending to be 'thinking of you' and asking how you are, when really they are just trying to provoke you and get a reaction from you so that when you do react, they can say (yet again) 'oh look here she goes again'. This person has form for trying to provoke me before, under the guise of 'caring relative' despite rarely contacting me.

In the past, I would have reacted but I guess that's just giving them what they want and I've come to realise they and the wider circle will never see things from my perspective or even listen me for that matter.

Is the correct thing to do to just not respond?

I thought a "flying monkey" was a person who passes on a message from someone you are no contact with. I personally just say thanks and change the subject.

I have relatives I only hear from a few times per year, I don't really think it's a bad thing, just how they are but If you are sure this person is trying to provoke you then just don't reply.

Yes, I should have said they are a flying monkey for another relative who I also have low contact. I try to distance myself from these people for good reasons as they are controlling, bullying and manipulative whilst acting the doting family members and presenting a public facade of respectable, decent people.

I know exactly what they are doing so have decided not to respond and be drawn in. They are annoyed that they are losing their hold on me but I know I just need to look out for myself. I have had too much pain from these people over the years.

Dont respond. Change your number.

no advice but feel your pain.

Why are you leaving them in your contacts list when the risk is they will send you messages that you don't want.

if you find it really difficult to block them from your email and phone, could you ask a friend to help you do that, then you can be rid of the problem.

they don't sound like they add any value or happiness to your life so just get rid. You don't have any obligation towards them just because they're family. Youre an adult so are they.

Thankyou

they don't sound like they add any value or happiness to your life so just get rid. You don't have any obligation towards them just because they're family. Youre an adult so are they.

I decided not to respond as this person is just looking to provoke a reaction from me. The trouble is, if I don't respond, again I will look like the bad person. It really feels like you can't win sometimes, I am just trying to protect myself.

You have to stop caring about what they think of you. You can't control or influence any of their narrative, behaviour, or opinions.

STOP CARING, delete the message, and remember there is no such thing as "winning" with people like that.

Delete, put it out of your mind, move on with your day.

The trouble is, if I don't respond, again I will look like the bad person

No you won't! This is how they hook you into responding; look up 'FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. They force you to feel obliged to participate. They make you feel afraid to cross them.
The next flying monkey will pick up the baton and try to make you feel like you are a bad person. Your response should be 'what on earth are you talking about?' accuse them of overreacting and say breezily 'life's too short for trouble making!'' They have no answer to that. End the conversation while you are ahead.

The Fear, Obligation, Guilt part is spot on- They force you to feel obliged to participate. They make you feel afraid to cross them.

There's a succession of flying monkeys, they know I'm caring and sensitive and use it against me every time.

I'm just waiting for the next part of the script, a 'health scare' or similar, when they don't get the response they want.

Why does my mum feel the need to comment on everything I do? My dad died very recently and since then I feel that I have to invite her to everything and to be honest she comments if we don’t, but says she’s not offended. Which I know she is. Our relationship has been strained for sometime since I fell out with one of my siblings. We have since made so there’s no issue there but they are treated like they’re a Demi-God. She expects to be invited to family events on my DH side of the family and comments endlessly if she’s not. There’s just no escape. A few weeks ago she made a suggestion which I didn’t like as it was the opposite to what I’d just done in my own home, and I told her what I thought, when I should have just ignored her. This led to a full blown argument in which she said some nasty things, but I didn’t sink to
that level. I tried to explain how she makes me feel. She always says the opposite to me. If I decorate in my home, she’ll say “I’d have done this instead” she never compliments me, wouldn’t say my hair looks nice, straight from the hairdresser or anything. Always wants to know what my kids are doing and gets offended if they don’t inform her of things. we didn’t speak for weeks following this and I felt so much lighter. She lives very close and knows my every move. I have no idea what to do, hubby tells me to ignore her, and asks why I let her bother me and to be honest I don’t know why but it’s not that easy. Sorry for the rant

The trouble is, if I don't respond, again I will look like the bad person

No, it isn't. The trouble is that you value the opinions of people who are willing to think badly of you. Why do you care? Just remove anybody from your life who sees you in a way that you feel isn't comfortable. That will be the end of all abuse and difficult relationships, from now on. You can't stop them contacting you, but you can ignore it if they do. I'm sure there's loads of spam emails you ignore. Do that. Direct their messages and calls into the trash folder. Make them into spam. Block them. And if you can't do it on your phone, do it manually. As soon as you see call, press 'hang up'. As soon as you see a message, press delete without reading. This is up to you. There will always be pains in our asses. The thing that sets us apart as individuals is how we choose to deal with them.

I'd type the kind of response she won't get any satisfaction from... "all well here, planting up patio tubs this weekend and getting into making salads! Crazy busy with kids as usual - all the best"
Don't let them rile you!
Keep control of the situation by being nice and not showing any unhappy response - it'll piss then off, win-win!

Keep control of the situation by being nice and not showing any unhappy response - it'll piss then off, win-win

It's not a win to piss other people off unless you care how they feel. Very juvenile advice.

I mean it sounds like they always think that about you so it does not really matter honestly. You are already there in their minds.

It won’t matter how nice you are, they don’t want to see you that way, so they won’t.
whatever you say they will twist it. Eg. Oh she’s nice to you but she’s fake. Or, oh she’s nice to you, but last year she did this, did that.. to me.
you know this already. It’s not about you, as a person. It’s about their narrative, whatever suits their purposes etc.