Need advice - relationship

[Imozen]

Hiya
I need advice drastically.
Background - I have a 7yo girl but I've been with her step dad for six years. We've had a turbulent relationship to say the least. Things started going wrong when covid hit and we were suddenly forced to living together.
Anyway, he moved out last year so we could ensure she wasn't around arguing. We stayed together.
Fast forward, we haven't been great and I found it hard to deal with. We've recently had a two week break to assess things. We both decided we love each other and wish to move on. Now I've had a baby on my mind for years and he's held back. He's finally said if we are happy then we can have one in x amount of time.

This then lead to conversations as my parents don't like him, they don't believe he's the right guy for me. He has said they have no respect for me and I should lay boundaries like no takeaway at their house, no swearing and if they do I should tell them if they don't stop we won't come around anymore. I feel I'm being forced to choose and I'm worried if we move on and he doesn't like something they do, will he try to stop a future child seeing their grandparents?

Surely planning to move forwards and have a child isn't this stressful? I don't know what to do- it'd be his first so is it normal to put these boundaries in place?

No, it isn’t normal to put those boundaries in place. It’s controlling and a massive red flag. I wouldn’t be planning a baby with this one.

Please do not have a child with this man. He will never change. I can guarantee the arguments will resurface. Your parents are right to not like him. He sounds controlling and manipulative. Huge RED FLAG. Be brave and move on and meet someone where life is 'easy' and non 'stressful' for you, just as a proper relationship should be.

How do they behave towards him? Are they civil and polite despite not being keen on him, or do they show that they don’t think he’s right for you by being rude to or dismissive of him? I don’t think it’s unreasonable of him to say he won’t tolerate them behaving in the latter way in your joint home and in front of any joint child you have; nor to say that swearing around your child is unacceptable and unwelcome in your home.

That aside, I’d not be rushing ahead with baby plans when he moved out last year due to arguing and as recently as within the month you were “on a break.” You need a good, solid year at least behind you with no arguments or breaks or ultimatums before you even think about adding a baby.

Don’t have a baby with him. This isn’t going to end well

Here’s a list of qualities a good relationship should have according to psychologist Lundy Bancroft. Does this mostly sound like you and your partner @Imozen ?

“How do I know when I’m in a healthy relationship?”

Here are some ideas about that:

• You each care about the other one’s needs and wishes.

• You trust each other to use good judgment.

• You seek out help when needed, e.g. looking into relationship counseling melbourne services, or ones similar.

• You each want endlessly to get to know the other.

• You each support the other toward that person’s dreams, and you each wish for the other to succeed in building and enjoying the life they want.

• Sexuality is mutual and satisfying.

• The relationship supports the things that mean most to you, whatever they may be. This includes that the relationship supports your other closest relationships rather than driving you away from them.

• You want to spend a lot of time together, but not every second.

• You both have the potential to understand the differences between Physical vs. Spiritual Love for each other.

• You each accept responsibility for your own actions. You’re responsible for what you do, but not for what the other person does.

• You can be angry with each other without being demeaning or intimidating.

• There is gentleness and kindness and physical affection. Sex isn’t the only caring touch.

• There is rough equality of work and effort.

• You both try to keep each other happy by giving surprises, planning date nights, doing fun activities together, or giving presents like love neon signs, scented candles, clothes, accessories, and more.

• All the personal finances are shared by both of you if you are living together.

• You are each managing your own life and not trying to manage the other person’s or get them to manage yours.

• You laugh together.

• You are able to plan and project into the future together (financially, living arrangements, children, vacations)

• You are certain that your partner is emotionally invested in you. You can see most of the signs (as mentioned in The Truly Charming) which prove that your partner likes you and is truly into you.

• You are monogamous except by explicit and mutual agreement to do otherwise.

• You each have friends that matter to you, and you support and value each other’s friendships.

• Each of you respects the other’s boundaries.

• Neither of you tells lies to the other or keeps secrets that could affect the other person’s well-being or that involve things that the other person has a right to know.”

Red flags!