Should I let him ask me?

[AllTheFours44]

Hi, I’m hoping for some input. I’m completely clueless about dating in 2022, having been out of the game for so long. And let’s face it, the game has changed beyond recognition since my hey day…

I’m in my mid 40s, divorced with one primary aged child. Have had a recent foray into OLD, with a mixed bag of results; ghosting, dick pics, being approached for all the usual weird and not so wonderful stuff I had half expected from my reading here on MN. I lasted 2 weeks before deleting my account.

There is, however, one last man standing who I had been talking to via WhatsApp prior to binning off the app. He has been nothing but sweet, respectful and someone I’ve wanted to get to know better. I brought up the possibility of meeting as I was weary about falling into a texting ping pong and then meeting and being sparkless in Seattle. He said he was just about to ask me when I suggested meeting up. We had a date, went really well and he made it clear he wanted to see me again.

My time is limited. Between shift work and parenting, I don’t have many opportunities to see people. I can look at my diary and see the only available dates I have for at least 2 months in advance; typically once every 7-10 days would be all I have to give. With this in mind, and knowing I had one free night in the next fortnight or so, I again suggested the next date. Tomorrow night. He was up for it and has contacted me every day since our first date last week. He has never been married or has kids. He’s a few (7 🫣) years younger. Doesn’t seem put off by the age gap. I like what I’ve seen so far.

I am trying hard not to get too far ahead of myself. But, assuming (ass-you-me anyone?) things go as well as the first time and I want to see him again (and him me obviously), I know I have, again one specific free night in the next 10 days…

So, what do I do. Do I continue to be the one to take it by the balls and suggest the next date? Of course I would much prefer that he has some oomph and pins me down for a date before we ways tomorrow night, but I think he’s more of a slow burner. Rightly so after only meeting. Do I just let it sit and let him make the next move in the hope my free night doesn’t pass us by?

I’m totally out of my depth here.

Why are you out of your depth? He might ask you tomorrow night if he can see you again, and then this problem doesn't exist, does it? You seem to be creating a problem. Wait until tomorrow, see how it goes, see if he asks, and if not, ask him or don't, depending on how much you like him.

After the next one, I'd let him suggest. If he has to wait he has to wait. I think it's a good test of whether a relationship with a 40somehing with a job and kids will work for him. In the same boat.

What kind of relationship do you want in the long run? "Start as you mean to go on" can be a useful idea, so if you want him to initiate the next date then you'll need to give him space to do so. If he never does.... well, he's not the guy for you.

You could also use the opportunity to practice effective communication. In this case you could make a playful comment to the effect that you appreciate a gentleman who asks a lady out on a date - this is a way of communicating what you want. If he picks up on the hint that is a bonus - he is someone who can respond when you communicate with him.

If he doesn't ask soon enough to see you on your next free time, that is not necessarily a bad thing. If you want to aim for the ideal long term relationship it is worth remembering that people learn best by experience, so if he misses the chance to see you for another few weeks he'll realise that he needs to be quicker to ask you out. When you have to turn down his invitation or say you can't make it for several weeks, that would be the time to explain your busy schedule. There is no reason to suppose he won't learn from that and ask you out on dates in advance if he really likes you.

If you keep nudging him along and organizing the dates then that will set the tone for the rest of the relationship. It sounds like you'll need to exercise some patience and maybe try some effective communication to aim for what you really want in your relationship.

Out of my depth in the sense that in the olden days, I’d have always waiting to be asked. It’s my go-to and natural way to approach these things. But, of course, in the olden days, I had the luxury of agreeing (or not) to “drinks tomorrow night?”. These days it’s more like, “sorry, no, but I can see you on the 29th”. Probably not what most men would like…

But then, as joan12 rightly points out, this is me. And my limited availability is either a viable option or not. Better to find out now, I guess.

It’s my go-to and natural way to approach these things

Then your ideal man will like this approach, and any man who doesn't, isn't for you.

See how the next date goes and, if he makes noises that he'd like to see you again, then be honest about your situation. Tell him you like him but want him to know that your shift work and parenting responsibilities will limit the amount of days you have available for dates. Ask if that's going to work for him.

You are of course free to ask him.

With respect, I think it's a non-issue who suggests the dates. And I don't mean that meanly - I see you are a bit nervous about the whole thing, understandably.

It makes sense you suggest dates to meet as your availability is so limited. If he doesn't want to meet you he can just say no. If he is put off by you taking the lead in this way he is a sexist twat and you are better off finding that out now. But in fairness there is no evidence that he is.

Good luck and enjoy!

There's a difference though, between saying 'Let's meet on Tuesday at 8:30pm at xyz restaurant', and saying 'I'd really like to see you again.'

It feels like you think the only way to ask you out is to be very specific, OP, and it's not really like that. I mean, life isn't really like that! I don't know why this has to be any more complicated than meeting a friend. 'Tuesday at 8:30pm?', 'Oh no, I can't sorry, but I'd love to see you that week. How you fixed Thursday?' etc.

I hear what you’re all saying. And am taking it all on board. I think the best approach is to see how we go tomorrow night and maybe slip into conversation that my position is one of needing good notice for meet ups. Of course, it could all be dead in the water by my second G&T (or first snog!).

I’m in the position of your potential match. I’m dating someone who is a parent and works shifts, and it’s a bit of a nightmare TBH, She has to let me her free days / work patterns in advance, and I work around those as I’m more flexible.

It appears to be a bit of a nightmare indeed @HowlongWillThisTakeNow. Dating as an employed single parent is difficult. And tbh, I wouldn’t even be arsed unless I really liked someone. And I do like what I’ve seen is this man so far.

You must obviously really like your current person. Does she always initiate the dates?

@AllTheFours44 for the first few dates, yes that was logistical easier, we negotiate now based our joint availability, the ppl above who saying you should do this or you should let him do that are just talking rubbish - whatever you do has to work for the both of you.

To answer your question, yes I do like her - but if it ended I would be very cautious about seeing another shift worker.

I'm actually so relieved you started this thread. Although it is tricky, I'm glad I'm not the only one in this position. I need my job, and enjoy it, kids are my priority, and anyone I am with will need to fit in with that. Agree with having a conversation about it early on as it may work for some and not others. It's life though!

Just an update on this. We met, it went really well again. Had an amazing first kiss. If we hadn’t been in a bar I would have jumped him 🙈

He asked to see me again, told me he really likes me. I laid my cards on the table. Explained that I could maybe see him once a week. I wouldn’t be introducing him to my child for a long way down the road etc. He said he was ok with that. So I left him floating on air and continued to float for most of the day. Texts throughout the day.

Then tonight he sent me a photo. He’s with friends tonight. Seems to be him and mostly couples. And it gave me a moment of realisation. It’s not fair on him, is it? He wants and deserves a real relationship. One where his partner would be at his side for whatever impromptu gathering happens. I can’t be that person.

It has left me feeling deflated and sad. The right thing would be to let him go. As much as I like him.

I disagree. The right thing is to let him make that kind of decision. You've laid your cards on the table and he was OK with that. Just keep seeing him and see how things develop. Don't overthink it. If he's not happy with arrangements then I'm sure he'll tell you at some point.

OP just wanted to jum in here after your last post - nip this thinking in the bud right now! I can't stress this enough:

You are projecting.
You don't know that's what he'd want.

I get it. I was there myself a week ago. Then we talked and it was all baloney.

Look at it this way: my ex lived four hours away when we first met. We spent a year where I drove to see her once a week/ocassionally once a fortnight and made do with nightly phonecalls in the meantime. We ended up together for over a decade.

This is not your decision to make.

You have laid your cards on the table. If he says "I can go with that" who are you to say otherwise? The truth is this is all about fear and trying to protect yourself from hurt. Again, I've been there. I've done the same. But some people will be fine with the arrangement. And you have to take them at their word.

Thanks for your reply @oviraptor21

Thing is, if I do that, keep seeing him. Get really invested. Then he realises it’s not working. Leaves me broken hearted. I’ve had enough heart break in my life. Oh, I don’t know. I need to sleep on it.

@Anonforquestion It’s like you read my mind! Yeah, maybe it is projection. It’s definitely protection.

OP, please don't write this guy off because of problems you imagine might occur in the future. My husband, when we met, had a job based about two hours away from me (and involving regular overnight trips) - and I have shared custody of my child and no intention then of introducing them for at least a year. We both thought it would be just a casual thing to be honest for these reasons. But.....

We made it work - and things change over time - we both changed jobs - after a year I introduced him to DD - now we are together pretty much all the time.....

You can't predict what will happen with this guy, but if he says he is happy with what you can offer right now, why question that? Maybe he's quite independent - maybe he LIKES the idea of things moving slowly and having lots of time to himself? One of my friends has been with a fella for several years and they are quite committed but don't see each other that much more than you are suggesting, because they both have a load of hobbies, demanding jobs, like holidaying with their separate friends, she has a kid, etc etc...

Just have fun and try not to over think it, or you will sabotage yourself before you even get started....

Don’t overthink this. My boyfriend of a year lives over 2 hours away from me, I have dc, we both work full time but we plan and it works and it’s great! Actually it’s really great not to be rushing in. Just go with it.

Whilst I do think it is his decision to make not yours, if I were him, no I would not want the little you can offer. I would want a proper relationship and seeing the other person once every seven to ten days, based entirely around their diary, is something I would get fed up with very quickly. I realise I am going against the grain here, but it is an honest opinion.

If all goes well, you'll need to start freeing up more than one day a fortnight for a partner. So I'd start planning for that now. Reserve 1-2 days/evenings a week in advance. If it doesn't end up being this guy it may be another.

Can you can a babysitter every now and then for evening dates?

I'd worry that once a fortnight/10 days may put people off, I know I'd feel that way if getting to know a generally unavailable man.

@AllTheFours44 you have explained your situation to him, if he likes you (sounds like he does), just go with it and have a good time,

You are thinking too far ahead, you met once and have no idea of his intentions.
Tbh he knows your not available much, maybe that suits him.