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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need help understanding why I feel like this...

16 replies

Angustiada · 23/06/2022 11:55

Quick background... Was with exH for 16 years, married 10. Have 2 kids (11 and 7), been separated 2.5 year nearly, divorce still not finalised.

I left exH after discovering a third affair. We tried to work through the first two and had counselling etc but then he did it again. Ending my marriage broke me because having a happy family life is the most important thing to me and for my kids as I didn't get this growing up. It's been a very tough few years, including exH messing with finances to cut maintenance (he's self employed and a very high earner) which ended with me moving out of the family home as I was in so much debt from solicitors trying to fight him. I have the kids 70/30.

So a few months back I leave the family home and he moves in with his new girlfriend of 6 months (she met the kids and moved in with him to his old place after just 3 months). She is also now 6 months pregnant.

Now him and I get along ok for the kids... We didn't, as he treated me appallingly through mediation (emotional and financial abuse) but I'm trying to put in behind us. My question is why do I feel disdain for his GF? He wants her to come to our daughter birthday party (at my house) and I just don't want her there. I've met her... Seems nice enough. Doesn't seem interested in our kids much and has said something slightly dodgy things to them but not out of malice I don't think.

I don't understand why I already don't like her when she's technically done nothing wrong. I'm unhappy that they have rushed their relationship and it's affecting our kids (ex told me he thinks she got pregnant on purpose) but that's on him, not her. He should be looking out for our kids...

So please can people help me to come to terms with my feelings? I want to not feel anger towards her

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 23/06/2022 12:06

You don't want somebody who has said dodgy things to your kids at your kids' party.

What's to question?

JohannSebastianBach · 23/06/2022 12:08

You don't have to like her do you?

She'll be in your shoes soon enough I imagine. I'd feel sorry for her.

WhenDovesFly · 23/06/2022 12:09

This woman is still relatively new in your DC's lives. Personally I don't think your ex should have introduced her to them so quickly, but it's done now.

Even though you've met her, you don't have to have her in your home OP. The birthday party should be all about your DD and it's not an occasion for your ex to be showing off his new pregnant GF and introducing her to extended family. The focus should be on your DD on this particular time.

Butterbean9 · 23/06/2022 12:12

Your ex really made a mess of things, didn't he?
I understand your feelings towards her, she came along in the middle of a very traumatic time for you, and meeting your children so early on was a big mistake.
If she's going to be around for a while it might be better if there is no hostility between you. But you don't have to like her and you don't have to have her in your house.
Tell your ex to have a party for your daughter at his house if it's so important for her to be there.
I think he was way out of line asking if she could go.

Fere · 23/06/2022 12:13

I felt like that towards my ex husband's now wife, he had an affair with someone before her and we split (now divorced).
He was not spending much time with our kids at all, prioritised his relationship with her over thst with his children. I think that created my resentment towards her.
It's better now, I mean I don’t resent her, but kids are grown up now.
Don't force yourself against yoir gut feeling. Your ex treated you appalingly and you owe him nothing and are not obliged to play happy families with him.

Original poster

Angustiada · 23/06/2022 12:14

Thanks everyone. So it's okay that I feel.kiek this? I have a partner too and my exH is all for us doing things together as extended family so I guess I feel bad as I don't want to do that with his GF.
The dodgy comments are nothing bad, think silly slightly sexist things about boys/girls or disagreeing with how I brush/wash my daughter's hair etc. So no reason for her not to be around my kids.
I guess I'm angry at the pair of them for not considering my kids in their decisions. Eldest for example is struggling being an our old house with the new GF in my old room and also massively struggling with the new baby thing... But it wasn't her on her to consider them was it.

OP posts:

Butterbean9 · 23/06/2022 12:15

Regarding your feelings though, my ex introduced his new girlfriend to our dc very early on. I don't like her for various reasons, including she obviously has very poor judgement and regard for my child who now has to share his dad with a relative stranger, at a very difficult time in his young life.

Orgasmagorical · 23/06/2022 12:16

Is it because it looks like she's going to have the life with him you wanted for yourself? Remember though that she will have the life with him that you had, it won't end well for her.

He has put you through a lot, it can take a long time to process it all and stop having it all going round in your mind. The more you build up your new life the further it will take you from thinking about 'them'. It takes time though

Original poster

Angustiada · 23/06/2022 12:17

Thank you all. This has really really helped 🥰🥰🥰

OP posts:

SNWannabe · 23/06/2022 12:19

Im wondering if perhaps some of it is projected anger or dislike that you don’t feel able to or allowed to express or feel for your ex- as you want to keep things happy for your children. This is more safely being projected onto the GF? It isn’t always a conscious thing, but as you said you feel you have this desire for the “happy family” vibe I also wonder if part of you resents the GF now getting to play that role with your ex? Being pregnant and living in your ex marital home…

Original poster

Angustiada · 23/06/2022 12:36

That's certainly possible @SNWannabe @Orgasmagorical but I have worked through this quite a lot in therapy and I do understand that their life won't be the life I had wanted if that makes sense? I do feel sorry for her in some ways as I certainly wouldn't want him as a partner again, and certainly a not with a baby.

OP posts:

dramakween · 23/06/2022 13:26

Sorry, you've got an immature and selfish ex... and his new girlfriend is just the same!!! Disdain is bang on.

Only a fool is friends with the person who burned their house down!

JustHarriet · 23/06/2022 14:31

Women are judged for being angry. Women are meant to be 'nice' and 'forgiving' and must 'keep the peace.' Anger is just not acceptable, so it's understandable that you feel like you shouldn't feel angry and would like to talk yourself out of it. But anger is a natural feeling to have when something that is important to you is threatened.

In this case, your children's lives are being affected by this woman's choices. If she was a kind person who truly cared about your children you would not be writing this post! You intuitively know she is not great news for your children and for all the reasons you have given in this post, you feel disdain and anger towards her. Totally reasonable.

It would be helpful for your children to observe that mum has boundaries about who comes into her home. They don't need this explained to them. But when you choose not to welcome someone who gives you mixed feelings, your kids learn that they can make choices about who they hang out with, which is an important lesson to learn in life, and may play a part in protecting them from abuse.

Stag82 · 23/06/2022 14:38

I think it's fine not to like her. I also think its fine not to want to do things as an extended family. I do tend to invite ex to kids birthday teas and we tend to do birthday parties together (and split the costs). We do spend time together at schools functions and various sporting activities so it's good to try and not have any animosity and get on if you can.

Original poster

Angustiada · 23/06/2022 19:36

Yeah we've done parties, school events and birthday morning/evening and Xmas morning together (even all Xmas day in lockdown) together. I deal with it as it matters to the kids. It's been hard on me but so be it. But the inviting his pregnant girlfriend into my home feels a step too far... I certainly won't be going to their place and dread the invite. Don't think I could manage to go back to my old family home with all those memories 😔. He's also suggested we go for a dinner a 4... Him and his GF, me and my BF. Again... I really don't want to buy he makes me feel unreasonable for saying no 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

Orgasmagorical · 24/06/2022 08:57

Again... I really don't want to buy he makes me feel unreasonable for saying no

Never, ever feel unreasonable about your boundaries. If he gets angry/upset/arsey about you not wanting or wanting to do something that's his problem.

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