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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP has phases of being really cold (to me)

26 replies

whyisiikethis · 23/06/2022 09:39

Not cold as in temperature Grin

DP and I usually have a great, caring and loving relationship, have lots of fun and laughter, lovely family time (I have two DC that aren't his but he treats them like his own). However, for about four/five days every month (or sometimes it goes two months before this happens again) he acts completely opposite to me. Won't tell me he loves me when I say I love you, won't let me touch him, hold his hand or cuddle up to him in bed or kiss, will sit as far away as possible from me on the couch(when it's just the two of us), won't talk to me or respond when I ask him questions, is in a mood etc. He acts normal in front of the kids, it's when they're not there/in bed etc. If I ask him what's wrong, he says nothing and gets annoyed if I try and push it and just shuts the conversation down. I don't know what to make of it, I never see it coming either, it started a few days ago after a normal day, in the evening he just acted like that when I came back in the room. Does anyone else's DP do this or has anyone experienced it? For full context, he has had depression in the past. Any advice or experience would be very much appreciated.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/06/2022 10:50

If I ask him what's wrong, he says nothing and gets annoyed if I try and push it and just shuts the conversation down

Relationships can only be judged on their conflict resolution style. And this is a very unhealthy style.

I couldn't continue with this relationship. Love is consistent, and this isn't. Everybody is allowed to be in whatever mood they want, but distressing someone and refusing to talk about it is very destructive.

How long have you been together?

What would happen if you asked him about it when he wasn't in the 'cold' mood?

KangarooKenny · 23/06/2022 10:53

Before I read your second to last paragraph I was going to ask if he’s ever had MH problems.
If it’s affecting your relationship then you need to have a chat, and he needs to access help. If he doesn’t then you need to think if you want to live this way.

Catherine57 · 23/06/2022 11:08

Could he be seeing someone else?

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/06/2022 11:13

This sounds awful. It’s completely unfair on you, it’s cruel, you must be walking on eggshells when things are “okay” waiting for him to do it again. Don’t your kids notice what he’s being like?

Shutting you down like that is unacceptable, you know that. It’s dysfunctional and abusive.

Original poster
whyisiikethis · 23/06/2022 11:51

He's acting very normal in front of the kids, it's only when they're not there. He couldn't be dating someone else as we live together.

As for the pp that said what if I ask him when he's not in a mood, he deflects/ignores/maybe weakly apologises but will never actually explain why he does it. And it comes so suddenly, we will be having a lovely time, I'll put the kids to bed, come back to him being like this. Not always, just when he does it.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/06/2022 12:26

He's acting very normal in front of the kids, it's only when they're not there

So he's fully in control of switching it on and off then? What a gem. He just decides not to bother to talk to you sometimes. I'd be off. He might not do it in front of the kids, but they'll be aware of the 'waiting for unpleasantness' atmosphere, however much you think you're keeping it from them.

It's really not good for them. And certainly not good for you.

FatArse123 · 23/06/2022 12:32

I can be a bit like this OP. For me, it's that DH has said or done something that crosses some line or the other - imagined or not - but I don't feel I can say anything. I don't know how to handle myself/communicate so I shut down. I grew up in a violent household where it wasn't safe to stand up for myself, so when I'm upset I sort of panic. I know it's horrible for my DH (mostly as he does it too sometimes, and I hate it!) , so I've learnt to indicate that I don't hate him in some small way, squeeze of hand etc.

Wombat27A · 23/06/2022 13:06

Having just read the other thread about cycles of abuse, this sounds like this is abuse.

Definitely training to behave. I'd have a good long think about coercive control & how it manifests.

Nobheadex · 23/06/2022 13:10

Which is the other h thread about cycles of abuse?

KangFang · 23/06/2022 13:11

Bin.

Watchkeys · 23/06/2022 13:11

FatArse123 · 23/06/2022 12:32

I can be a bit like this OP. For me, it's that DH has said or done something that crosses some line or the other - imagined or not - but I don't feel I can say anything. I don't know how to handle myself/communicate so I shut down. I grew up in a violent household where it wasn't safe to stand up for myself, so when I'm upset I sort of panic. I know it's horrible for my DH (mostly as he does it too sometimes, and I hate it!) , so I've learnt to indicate that I don't hate him in some small way, squeeze of hand etc.

Exactly. You're making some effort towards communicating, and some acknowledgment of his feelings. OP's partner isn't doing that for her. It's very different. Being hurt/quiet isn't the issue. It's the 'being a dick about it' that's the problem.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/06/2022 13:56

What you’re seeing from him is the nice and nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

You and he therefore should no longer be together. He is also in treating you like this a crap example of a stepfather to your children. I would also think he does not behave like this to anyone else in the outside world so it is for you solely this from him is directed at. He can and dies control himself here. Many abusive men also use depression too as an excuse for their behaviour.

velvetvixen · 23/06/2022 14:01

This behaviour will more than likely escalate. Get rid. Women are not rehab centres for men.

Original poster
whyisiikethis · 23/06/2022 14:42

@AttilaTheMeerkat that's the thing that gets to me, I know for a fact it's only me and he doesn't do it to anyone else.

OP posts:
JustHarriet · 23/06/2022 14:52

whyisiikethis · 23/06/2022 14:42

@AttilaTheMeerkat that's the thing that gets to me, I know for a fact it's only me and he doesn't do it to anyone else.

It is abuse You know it is abuse because it is specifically targeted towards you, he isn't doing it to anyone else.

Know that this abusive behavior has nothing to do with you.

FrancescaContini · 23/06/2022 14:52

Nasty, controlling, abusive.

wellhelloitsme · 23/06/2022 15:02

whyisiikethis · 23/06/2022 14:42

@AttilaTheMeerkat that's the thing that gets to me, I know for a fact it's only me and he doesn't do it to anyone else.

If a kid in your child's class was lovely to everyone else but bullied only your child one week every month, would you think that kid was someone your child should try to appease, please and placate?

Or would you think the kid was being cruel and choosing specifically to target your child therefore not be someone they should be around if they have a choice?

You do have a choice.

If he only does it to you then it means he can turn it on and off and is consciously choosing to do something that makes you feel shit. Whether it's fuelled by depression or he's just not a very nice person, it's not something he will talk about or work on and you need to put yourself (and your kids by extension) first.

Why are you considering continuing to accept this behaviour?

wouldyaeverquitit · 23/06/2022 15:10

I close down too sometimes and I swear there is nothing as bad as someone trying to hug and kiss and cuddle you when you don't want to be touched. I have spoken to my husband about how sometimes I just want to be left alone but he still does it with the I love you's, trying to spoon me etc and it drives me bloody insane, I feel smothered.

BackToTheTop · 23/06/2022 15:12

He is not a nice man!

HeddaGarbled · 23/06/2022 15:19

While you’re deciding whether to dump him or not, here’s a few short term strategies for dealing with the sulky twit:

Don’t ask him what’s wrong
Ignore him
Avoid him as much as possible - go out if possible, go to a separate room if not
Sleep in a separate room if possible
Try not to let it get to you - demonstrate calm independence and total lack of interest/emotion
Carry on with your life as if he wasn’t there

This will put a stop to his nonsense much more effectively than pandering to it. Think of it like training a toddler out of tantrums.

HeddaGarbled · 23/06/2022 15:26

A friend of mine who has a sulker, would say, “Can I just ask if this is going to be a 2 day sulk or a 4 day sulk, so I can plan accordingly” and then she’d arrange to go out with friends. It worked (most of the time).

SQLserved · 23/06/2022 15:33

I have experienced this in a past relationship. For me, he was cheating on me and the coldness coincided with meet-ups and phone messaging sprints.

Tiny2018 · 23/06/2022 15:38

I can get a bit like this as sometimes I really just want to be left alone. I communicate that this is just how I am and doesn't mean I love any less, i just need some space.

It tends to cause partners to become panicky and insecure, and their behaviour becomes what I consider to be smothering.

I feel personally it's to do with attachment, I believe I am anxious-avoidant and attract anxious attaches, so they take this behaviour very personally, understandably.

If they just gave me my space for a bit, I'd come back no problem but their behaviour when anxious makes me want to run far away, meaning I unintentionally become more and more distant, while they cling more.

Tiny2018 · 23/06/2022 15:38

I can get a bit like this as sometimes I really just want to be left alone. I communicate that this is just how I am and doesn't mean I love any less, i just need some space.

It tends to cause partners to become panicky and insecure, and their behaviour becomes what I consider to be smothering.

I feel personally it's to do with attachment, I believe I am anxious-avoidant and attract anxious attaches, so they take this behaviour very personally, understandably.

If they just gave me my space for a bit, I'd come back no problem but their behaviour when anxious makes me want to run far away, meaning I unintentionally become more and more distant, while they cling more.

Fuzzyhippo · 23/06/2022 17:20

That's how mine is all the time, won't say I love you, won't let me touch him and just being downright cold. He will go missing for a few days at a time but I feel he just wants space. I don't text him during these times and he always comes back in the end once he's had some time to himself

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