What to do when you're always in the wrong?

[sleighbellsjiggling]

Other than LTB obviously which is where we're heading.

No matter what I do I'm wrong. If I talk to him, I shouldn't, if I don't, I should. I didn't wake him up this morning for work, apparently this means I'm taking the piss 🙄. He forgets that I have 2 preschoolers and myself to get up and ready to leave the house.

I struggle to grey rock, when I try he gets angrier and I end up arguing my case which gets us nowhere.

How can I deal with this while we sort out splitting up without totally ruining any chance of coparenting or losing my sanity?

LTB is the only solution, I'm sorry.

What is your situation? Married? Are the kids his? Who owns the house?

How can I deal with this while we sort out splitting up without totally ruining any chance of coparenting or losing my sanity?

Do you mean "how can I pussyfoot around him to keep him happy?"

The answer is you can't. Everything you do is wrong. Even if you could somehow read his mind and do the "right" thing, he would move the goalposts and you would still be wrong.

This isn't going to lead to a reasonable co parenting situation while he still thinks he has power over you bending to his whims and trying to always do the right thing. Just focus on yourself and your DC and let the chips fall where they may.

You can’t. Bring it to a head, and split asap.

Don't be defensive. You don't need to defend anything.
Ignore him or have a comment ready for when you're "wrong" like 'I'm not your mother' 'it's not my problem' 'shut the fuck up, you tedious boring bastard'

Aaaagh. I was married to someone who was ‘always right’ - blimmin awful!!! The best thing I did was divorce him!!

good luck op

What happens if you always agree with him?

Should take the wind out his sails - he probably gets off on the power play.

Does he know that you are heading for a split, or are you trying to get ready quietly?
If the second, then I am guessing that you need to appease him to be safe until you can leave.

If the first, be frank - this is awful, and I am not putting up with it. Sort your own alarm/food/washing etc. The plan is that by Christmas we have our own places, so lets start moving that way

You are being abused and your children are witnesses to it.

Reach out for support to family and friends.

Ring Women's aid for support.

The sooner you leave the better.

Not married, two under 5s and renting in joint names.

We've had many talks before about splitting up, I think we're just incompatible and there's now too much resentment on my side.

The trouble is that he turns nasty and starts to make threats to kick me out and keep the kids. Stupidly I then go along with reconciling which he always does once he realises what a wanker he's been.

I'm absolutely the default parent and I can't imagine he'd last long trying to take care of them by himself. He's so spiteful though that he'd probably try it to prove a point. They cling to me most of the time and don't go to him for anything which speaks volumes really. He's 'fun dad' when he can be bothered. I have got up with them every single morning for the last 4 years, fed them, dressed them, played with them, and put them to bed at night. He occasionally chips in with a bath and thinks he's a superhero.

And don't get me started on the housework.

He's also ruined me financially. I do take some of the blame for our awful financial state but he's gone between jobs so many times leaving us without wages and surviving on my p/t wage. There's also always some crisis which eats up any money we have put aside for bills etc. this has left us behind and trying to play catch up. I have debt in my name that's his also. He feels like he's carrying us now he has a job that promises to be well paid. As all the other jobs did also.

What a bloody mess. I need to hold myself accountable and see this through don't I? I don't want either of my kids to think that daddy working and mummy doing everything else (including working) with a big smile on her face is the norm.

You need to get on to Women's aid.

You are being abused.

Ring them.

Look for a refuge spot to get you and your children away from him.

He is controlling you by threatening you with the children, whilst never doing anything with them.

Please help yourself by calling Women's aid.

Oh god. I didn't realise it was abusive really, I just thought he was an arse. Thank you for the advice

Life for me got much easier with my ex when I realised I didn't give a shit what he thought of me. I called him out on everything, stood up for myself. Ironically, he's nicer now to me than he was when I let him walk all over me.

Contact the listed resources.
He's abusive.
There's no need to tell him you're leaving or planning to.
Discussions and the like don't work with abusers.

Make your plans to leave and then do it.
You'll be much better off without this anchor.