Long term relationship - DH feels like a brother

[yellowrosey]

I've been with my husband my whole adult life and he's the only person I've ever been with. I'm mid thirties and I'm at a point where I'm starting to wonder whether it's right but it's hard when he's the only benchmark I have! We have a young child and things have changed quite a lot (understandably) but for the past few years I'd say my husband feels more like a brother or family member to me. He still feels attraction to me, want to be intimate etc but it doesn't feel like it comes naturally to me anymore. Since having a child I've realised how much I do practically (physical and mental load of keeping a house running, etc) and I think that's probably caused some resentment and I have spoken to him about it but it's just his nature. He's the kind of person who needs to be told exactly what to do and it's draining and most of the time I find it easier to do things myself. For example, if for some reason he wasn't here anymore, I think I'd manage fine (although of course would be more difficult), whereas if I was no longer here I feel he'd struggle a lot more. It's not equal in that way, but I guess a lot of marriages are like that? That along with having less time to myself has made me realise we don't "click" like we used to and I crave time to myself more than I crave time spent with him.

I'm wondering for anyone who's stayed with the same person they first got together with, how did you make it last? Or, did it last? I've got an awful feeling that once our child is an adult we'll have nothing in common (we already feel distant). We've tried spending time together etc and it's nice enough but I don't feel like I'm with "my person", I don't get that feeling anymore.

Bump

I was with my ex for 13 years (age 18-31) and by the end yes, we were basically siblings. I genuinely thought I wasn't interested in sex anymore (you don't mention intimacy but we were having sex once a month at best for the last 8 years) then we split, I met my new partner and realised it was just the staleness of being together so long. I live in fear it will happen again with new man, but I do think long term can work, if you're both prepared to work at it and there's a mutual love and respect still there. From your op, he seems a bit useless which would be a HUGE turnoff for me. To use a MN cliché you only get one life, decide carefully what you think you deserve x

Intimacy doesn't happen very often, and never really has if I'm honest. I also have wondered if I'm not that interested in sex but I do also wonder if it's our compatibility in that way. How did your ex feel? Was it a mutual decision to split?

I married my boyfriend we were 18 when we got together only person I'd ever slept with had three kids sex life ok nothing earth shattering we were good mates still found each other attractive etc but as I grew older I did start to wonder what having a sexual relationship would be like with someone else l, like I'd missed out a bit but I was loyal and would never of acted on it. He did me a massive favour and had an affair we split no going back for me and it's opened my eyes. I feel like me again I feel myself as o have a break from my kids had a handful of sexual relationships which was good for me too and now happily in a relationship which is totally different to my marriage. More intimate, more us time, more me time. I am more independent, more interested in work etc. I'm glad in happened not at the time but it was good for me.

The lack of intimacy must have bothered him but we never had much open conversation about it other than agreeing we both wanted more, saying we'd 'try' and then falling back into old ways. We didn't even have kids so it's not like we didn't have the time or energy! But like you it was never loads to start with so when it dropped off it dropped off to next to nothing. He left me because he didn't feel I was giving him enough support for his mental health issues (I had them as well, which I feel were massively exacerbated by being in a relationship that had run its course but we were both very 'invested' - just bought a house for example) we are both now in a massively better place living separate lives x

I can only speak from my own experience, if he hadn't left I'm not sure I would ever have ended it, I'd just accepted that that was my lot. About a month after it ended I started getting excited to fall in love again, and when it happened it was even more incredible than I remembered the first time, like I didn't fully appreciate it the first time because I was a teenager. I can't bring myself to believe that I'll never do it again either! I love dp but I'm cautious and cynical about long term love x

I’m in the same situation as you but further on.
The resentment deepens, it doesn’t go.
We now sleep in separate rooms due to his snoring - he never did anything about it.
He had problems in bed due to MH and antidepressants- he never did anything about it.
He drinks a bottle of wine a night - he doesn’t do anything about that either.
Ive almost gone twice, but don’t have the guts. Now I’m staying for financial security and company. Don’t be me.

I married my first serious boyfriend (grew up in a very conservative religious family and community), never got a chance to figure myself out outside a relationship. Left him in my late 30s and finally came out as lesbian, who I was all along. I did come out to him in our marriage, but it was seen as sinful, shameful, etc, so back in the closet I went. (Not anymore, though!)

The last few years of our relationship was dead. It felt like the world was in sepia and I was dragging a ball and chain with every step.

My situation isn't as extreme as that (although separate beds does actually sound like a dream 😂) but I just feel like I wish he brought more to the table. I wish he had more ooomph about him! He's just a very placid person and sometimes I just want more. He's a good dad but I don't have that feeling of "oh he's amazing" that I (maybe falsely) see in other people. It's like he's just "okay" at everything and sometimes I want "great", even just a bit! 😅

Sounds like it was the best thing then although can imagine awful at the time. I can see how people enter affairs etc when things get to a stale point. I obviously wouldn't want to get to that point

Must have been easier with you not having kids, although still very difficult! I think if we didn't have a child we'd have broken up by now

I know what you mean. I'm not sure people are supposed to be with the same person forever! Although works for some people I'm sure

It's "not in his nature". Does he have to be guided through every task he does at work? No, I doubt it! It's habit because you've always done it.

Wow that must have been so freeing! Hope you're now able to live your best and true life!

Yeah I guess you're right. He does seem to be quite different at work. It's hard to break a long term habit I suppose! I have tried talking about it, "assigning" him things to do. I even write things on a list on the fridge in the hope that he'll see it and think "ah I'll do that" but he just doesn't seem to think the way I do! I then end up getting frustrated if I'm asked a (in my opinion) silly question about how to cook/prepare something for our child because I feel like I'm having to think for the both of us sometimes. He seems to have short bursts where he's better at things and then things just sort of slip back to the way they were. I probably am partly to blame for that though

He doesn’t do it because he doesn’t want to, which shows a lack of respect for you. It’s normal to feel resentful of someone who treats you with disrespect.

That resentment will stay unless you both work on it. Your relationship is too comfortable for him, hence why he's not trying and you're the one doing the most work. Speak to him, change things, make your relationship more fair and equal and see how it goes. Tell him what you need from him. If he can't or won't give it or even try to, you know what to do next.

OP, he's a lazy arse and you have bought into it.

He's not a nice man.

He's a selfish man who conveniently leaves it all to you.

And you have allowed it.

He does exactly as he wants and you have rightly got the ick for him.

Don't have another child and don't resign yourself to life with a selfish lazy man who puts HIMSELF FIRST, ahead of sharing the load.

Lose your loyalty to him, he has none to you.

Start number crunching and organise yourself.

You are far too young to be settling for so little.

Reading some of these replies though I'm thinking he isn't as bad as all that and it's probably my fault it's like that because I've always just done things. It is really hard when you have nothing else to compare it to, everything just becomes normal

Do you have much going on in your life that's just for you, OP? Work, hobbies etc. that get you out of the house on your own?

I work 3 days a week, but I don't particularly have any hobbies no. Just started playing tennis with a friend on an evening every few weeks and I do see friends when I can although not all that much tbh. DH works quite a lot and every other Saturday so a lot of the time I'm with our son. I do feel like I need to get more things for myself as I feel like I'm always doing something for someone else, but DH doesn't particularly have any hobbies or doesn't go out a lot or anything either

This is me, this is definitely me.
I recently told dh that I am not happy and we have a chat planned in next week.
I told him that I expect him to come to the table with how he honestly feels, and what he thinks is a feasible option. We don't have sex anymore so I doubt he can be truly happy.
I am already in personal counselling and he did have an emotional affair 7 years ago that he never took ownership of so we are a little different. But we do have 2 kids and he is lazy and left it all to me and is the only person I have been with (met at 20)
He's suddenly started to help more, which I assume he thinks is enough, but in my head it's been so easy for him to step up so since I threw separation in the ring, so why hasn't he for the past year.