Domestic violence friend wants him back

[Whatcanwedotohelp]

Police got involved and have since found out he is on the domestic violence register "Claires law"

She has children with this man.

The sad thing is she is heartbroken over him leaving and has actually told a family family that she doesn't want the kids as she's too heartbroken over him.

As a mother myself I cannot fathom this at all but I'm not a victim of domestic violence so I have no idea what the psychology of it is.

Please can someone shed some light on why she would want this abusive man back in her life when he is a danger to her kids and possibly instead of her kids?

Who is she? Your friend, your post doesn't make sense and is he her partner and not yours?

Your post makes perfect sense OP.

I have literally no idea how any individual could actually love someone who treats them like shit and is violent towards them. I find it pathetic actually and don't buy the old "low self esteem" trope that is always trotted out.

How can anyone love ANYONE that much that they'd put them before their children? Baffles me.

I just watched the Natalie Hemming story on Catching A Killer. It left me raging. Some men are beyond awful and yet some women will love them! I'll never understand.

It's not about love, it's likely trauma bonding. She needs therapy.
I still don't understand how anyone could put their abuser above their DC personally, but she won't be thinking logically...

Yeah she's definitely not thinking logically.
Threatened to take her life yesterday to which the crisis team were called but she has to participate in getting help or there's nothing they can do. Trauma bonding makes sense. It's heartbreaking seeing her like this as to me and everyone else her kids are her world but now he's gone it seems she isn't interested in them at all. 😢

www.thehotline.org/support-others/why-people-stay-in-an-abusive-relationship/

This might help

@A580Hojas I find it pathetic actually and don't buy the old "low self esteem" trope that is always trotted out.

This is interesting, as it cannot always be about low self esteem, can it? There must be something deeper going on in some cases. There are women who don't want to be alone, and feel a man leaving is rejecting of them and indicative of their attractiveness/self-worth, but there must be more to it.

As someone who has just left her husband over domestic abuse - it is absolutely trauma bonding. It is the power that this man has held over her. It's the cycle of abuse - she's out of it now and she's struggling. I cannot really put it in to words.

Abusers aren't abusive all of the time, they have times when they make their partners feel like the most special and loved person in the world before they turn back to being cruel.

When the relationship ends it's hard to see how it was that bad as you are in a state of pure confusion. Absolutely nothing makes sense, you know it was all wrong, you know it was so unhealthy but he was also so nice and caring. You remember the good times - but they weren't good, they were just part of the vicious cycle. You remember how caring he was - he wasn't caring, he was controlling. And this is why victims sort of become addicted to their abusive partners - a trauma bond is formed.

This ^^

I work with people who experience domestic abuse and sometimes with perpetrators

Domestic abuse often has circular pattern of good times and then outbursts and ongoing low level emotional abuse and coercive control
People who blame the victim simply don't understand how gaslit the victim can be and how insidious it all is.
professional women (& sometimes men) are victims of DA too & often abusers can have respected jobs and the victim feel no one will believe them (even if some DA services or some police do) and who will protect them. The abuser may threaten suicide or use finances to control the victim, don't forget the abuser is still the father to your friends DCs so that will play on her mind. He will have made her dependent on him.

Often women with DCs stay as domestic abusive fathers ultimately often get contact even if supervised at first with DCs as the courts can view them as magically better if the abuser plays the game.
The risks increase to victim and DCs in DA at start of separation. The mother may also (apologises for gendering this but majority of time it is female dominated in victim proportion) genuinely believe & feel understandable anxiety about not being able to protect the DCs when they are on child contact with Dad without them being there to spot when the abuser is working up to an outburst - Your Friend will have been risk managing his impact in DCs in her mind without realising she was doing it.

Domestic abusers can become incredibly clever in manipulation, presenting agreeable social front and lying as time goes on, to courts to children and to police.

It's right that she has left him, however if she lets him return I imagine Children services will stay involved if they are not already, as it may be seen as a failure to protect.

Let me tell you a general sentiment that Ive heard from multiple DA victims (who are often mothers of young children) with a DA Dad who's pursued child contact arrangements with (& had perhaps a year or two of supervised contact ) This is not direct quotes but said in some version

I hate it as I'm no longer there to keep an eye on the children. (...His mum supervised them but she lets him do what he wants & she won't say if he's not behaving well...) . It's frustrating not being there when he has them, I used to step in when he was building up to something so that I got brunt of it instead of them... I can read his moods, I can't now as I have no contact, watch him to spot the signs. He might not be hitting them but it's how he talks to them, there's threat there..., he doesn't need to say much as they just know... that they have to obey him and apologise to him for being normal kids. I think they play up when they get home as they've been concentrating on being overly good all weekend and as he fills their heads with little comments about me and how it's all my fault daddy can't see them every day & be a proper family ... as Daddy loves them....

Of course it is far more healthy to be separated as the DCs thrive in safety which they have with mum most of the time and Dad knows usually not to go too far. So leaving is the right thing for DCs but very hard to disentangle.
But DA behaviour in perpetrators is insidious, they need control and very few fully change underneath or take responsibility for their full behaviour and attitudes.

I would almost put money on the ops friend having some sort of neglect in her own childhood. That absolutely determines who we are as adults. Maybe not always but it is not unusual.

I had absolutely no idea until I got into therapy but I had followed my mothers footsteps and ended up marrying a man like my father. A man that treated me appallingly but sadly I thought this was the norm. Because I knew no different - because of what I was brought up around.

My dad was never violent, my ex husband was never violent. My dad was clever and controlling, my ex husband is also clever and controlling. I walked on egg shells around my dad, I walked on egg shells around my ex husband.

If as a child, i had experienced love, contentment, confidence, self esteem, happiness....no doubt I would have not made the mistakes that I had. But I didn't. I grew up feeling worthless. I grew up trying so hard to constantly please my parents to get them to tell me they loved me or give me a cuddle. I worked so hard at school as I was petrified of telling my dad I failed a test. Because instead of getting 'don't worry, you tried your best' I would of got 'you won't get anywhere in life, try harder, your not good enough'

So then ultimately as adults, kids like me need to people please as adults, we need to feel like we're looking after someone in order to feel love. We do it without knowing, it's there without subconsciously knowing it. It's just what we know to be normal.

I can't guarantee this is the case in the op's friends case but it certainly is with mine and I'm so grateful to realise this now so i hopefully won't make the same mistake again.

Yeah I think she's just lost without this man unfortunately. It seems to crazy to her friends and family but of course we don't have a clue what it's like going through it. I wish I could do more to help her as I feel she might end up losing those children to care.

Oh dear - let's hope not. The children must come first of course, it must be so very hard for them.

Ultimately she's just completely lost in this man and can't see herself without him because he will have 'groomed' - a word my therapist uses - her so well.

From the sounds, it's going to take time. It won't be that she wakes up one day realising everything but with the right support she has every chance to get there.

Good support around her is essential.

I've talked about how it is far more complex than people who aren't in a DA situation realise and how a parent may be balancing their protection of their children as the unknown can be unpredictable and feel frightening.

Please listen to your friend support her and ecourage her to seek domestuc abuse support worker (which will be on a website if you type in your area and look for domestic violence or domestic abuse support and look for outreach work)

Also I listened to an interesting podcast recently that talked about how many DA victims have brain injuries due to the related head hitting. This can cause confusion and inability to reason. In some cases, this will be permanent. So, on top of all the other well know reasons for 'why she didn't leave', this can be another complicating factor. So sorry for your friend.

I find it pathetic actually

Calling abused people who haven't yet found the courage to leave 'pathetic' is unhelpful and ignorant.

Why not educate yourself instead of just tutting away.