Anyone help?

[my2cherubs]

i think i should leave h but want to do the best for the kids 4 & 2 who really think the world of him. he's ok when i'm at home all the time. we don't have any friends and i don't have any family. i've recently got friendly with another couple of mums who were trying to arrange a night out. i knew i'd be in for trouble but mentioned it last night. he called me selfish, got angry, punched the door and when i called him a possesive psycho he grabbed me by the throat. (none of this witnessed by dcs). we've been together a long time and everythings ok until i want to do something by myself. i've really had enough this time. the house is mortgaged in both names. i could no way afford it on my own as i don't work (we can't even afford it together), we're in about 25k debt about half of which is in my name but would have about 50k equity if we could sell the house. question is if i left and found a place for me and the kids to rent would i get housing benefit? i fully intend to find a job but for the short term would need somewhere to llve and a means to pay for it. scared of how he'd be if we actually leave so can't talk to him reasonably, i would just have to go. i could put deposit, month in advance on credit card to get us in somewhere. please advise as i really don't have anyone else to talk to.

I can't advise on housing benefit etc but please, for your own sake, call a women's refuge and get out of there!

He grabbed you round the throat for wanting to go out with your friends?? I do hope you can see how unacceptable (the milder version of what I want to say!) this is?

Please, please, follow this link and find somewhere to go.

Good luck

you dont deserve to be treated like that.

your DCs will at sometime witness something like that if it goes on and they dont deserve that either.

agree with lovecat, call a womens refuge they will be able to advise you on your rights.

housing benefit depends on your income (you wont have any) and what capital you have. assume initially you will be renting whilst your house is sold so not sure what the situation would be there.

could you try the citizens advice bureau if you are worried about trying a womens refuge?

or lone parent advisers in your local jobcentre may be a good place to start.

guess there is no way you could get him to leave?

good luck, be strong.

I agree with the others, to call you abusive names and grab you around the throat just because you want to go our with your friends is outrageous and scary. Your children didnt see this but that doesnt mean they wont see it in the future and they might hear you both arguing or him shouting which is very scary for children.
You are trapped by finances and a possessive, violent husband and deserve to get out and start a fresh. You AND your children

just wondering if there's anyone around tonight who knows the answer to my housing benefit question. phoned the domestic violence helplines but no-one knows and have told me to try the job centre. i really need some peace of mind to know that if i go i'll get housing benefit to cover the rent until i get on my feet. i'm thinking of checking us into a hotel tomorrow in the meantime but am very nervous and worried i'll chicken out and carry on like this .

If the house is in both names and he is being physically violent, he can be removed from the premises. You can call the police to remove him and get a court order to keep him out.
You do Not have to put up with this behaviour, and there is no reason why you should.

i really, really don't want it to escalate to getting the police involved. it isn't an every day thing and he only gets angry when i want to go out which i don't usually do to keep the peace. i can't stay in this house in the long run as i could never afford it and would so much rather start afresh with the little ones.

Talk to Women's Aid and a solicitor. He is not reasonable, has no right to stop you going out by means of physical violence, and if he is in the habit of using violence to make you obey him, he isn't going to stop. He's going to do it more and more. And sooner or later, someone else will call the police. If he doesn't hospitalise or kill you first. Men who use this much violence do not stop doing it, even if you concede to whatever the initial thing was they didn;t like. He will find something else to object to and assault you over. And then something else again. You need to get him out of the house/get away from him.

m2c

you'll get housing benefit for sure if you left DV and went onto benefits.
I fled 5 years ago. Got income support, child tax credit and housing benefit. You may need to pay a small top up each week but minimal, depending on where you live.

Please call Refuge and Womens Aid, and please call the police too. For having a night out? What planet is that man really on?
This will NOT stop. How dare he do this to you! I'm for you.

Please get out hun x x

Oh, and sell the house. Make the twat buy you out. Get a few grand behind you and your sorted.

Needs to be declared to the DWP (as always) but it'd be a nice hefty deposit to put down on an affordable place no?
Get your name on the council list too.

Try the housing dept at your local council - they may be able to get you into emergency accommodation for the time being - may only be B&B but at least you & your dcs would be safe. Be strong and make the move xx

In my experience you are in danger and his violence could get worse.Leave as soon as you can sort out somewhere to go as you all need to be safe.I had a relationship like this and it got much worse and has taken me years and much counselling to get over.I was childless so in an easier postion than you and it was still hell.By the end I really thought he might kill me.Leaving can trigger violence so plan where to go and try to get any help and support available.I think it highly likely he will increase the violence against you and possibly even threaten to harm your children if he thinks you are leaving.Please get away,even if only to have space to think about your future,this is not your fault.I am very worried and I will be thinking of you

If there is a next time call 999 and press charges. Please.

Ring WA 08 08 2000 247 - 24hours freephone.

Get out of there before it is too late.

You will get benefits and housing benefit, council tax benefit; as said, you may have to pay extra but mine is only £4 a week. £4 a week is better than being beaten up for being a human being.

Be brave - but BE SAFE.

Look on here and read the Survivor's Handbook - it has a list of what to pack.

Actually, I'll post it here incase you don't want to go to the site incase he realises what you may be planning.

From the link:

What to pack if you are planning to leave your partner
Ideally, you need to take all the following items with you if you leave. Some of these items you can try to keep with you at all times; others you may be able to pack in your 'emergency bag'.
Some form of identification.
Birth certificates for you and your children.
Passports (including passports for all your children), visas and work permits.
Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards.
Keys for house, car, and place of work. (You could get an extra set of keys cut, and put them in your emergency bag.)
Cards for payment of Child Benefit and any other welfare benefits you are entitled to.
Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if applicable.
Prescribed medication.
Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure (for example, mortgage details or lease and rental agreements).
Insurance documents, including national insurance number.
Address book.
Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental value.
Clothing and toiletries for you and your children.
Your children's favourite small toys.
You should also take any documentation relating to the abuse - e.g. police reports, court orders such as injunctions and restraining orders, and copies of medical records if you have them.

Keep us updated, please - am thinking of you. Take care. Be safe x

yes please keep us updated,if I can help in any way I will.

thanks for all the messages of support. Thankfully he's seen sense and packed a bag and left. I have told him I will call the police if he bothers us at all and i'll be seeing a solicitor on monday for some legal advice to find out the best way to go from here. quite relieved i don't have to drag the children to some strange place at least for now. thanks again.

thats really good news. one piece of advice, change the locks !

good luck.

x

Suggest you should change the locks ASAP. He might think he is "teaching you a lesson" by leaving and think he can just wander back when he feels like it. You are well rid of him.. That kind of bullying can only get worse.

I am so relieved for you.

But do as suggested and change the locks - don't mean to scare you but the last thing you want is waking up in the night and him being there (which happened to my friend).

If he starts spouting legal stuff, just say you lost your keys.

I'd ring the police (not 999) and ask them if it is legal to change the locks because you fear for your safety and he has willingly left. If it isn't (which is unlikely) then may I suggest you put the chain on the door (buy one tomorrow if you don't have one).

Women's Aid phone number will also be able to answer any questions before Monday. You could ring them if you are wanting answers sooner.

I am hugely relieved to hear that.Good luck.