Ending marriage feel like a b****

[Bookishbelle]

Hi, I’m a longtime lurker. This is my first post hopefully I’ve done this right!

been with my dh for 20 years, married for 14y
we have 2 Dc aged 15 and 11.

met dh when I was 19.

There have always been issues, dh finds it difficult to talk about things. Pretty sure he cheated in the early years but he never admitted anything. When dc were little he worked nights and started drinking heavily to help him sleep through the day. (Stopped a long time ago) I have thought about leaving him a couple of times before but we had the same sense of humour and got on well and have children together so would always make it work.

Dh was diagnosed with a life long illness 7 years ago. He has completely buried his head in the sand over it. Was ok in the beginning but now his symptoms are getting worse and he won’t get help with his symptoms. It’s made him depressed and angry.

I’ve tried to support him, encourage him to get help etc he just shouts and shuts it down. He has Ed due to illness but has stopped all affection completely. He just criticises me all the time.

well Friday i just broke and told him I wanted to separate. He was shocked and said he didn’t want to but agreed to go to his dads.
His dad had a heart attack that evening and is now in hospital!!! Dh is still here. I don’t know what to do.
I feel awful about his dad and breaking up our family and feel guilty for wanting to leave. Should I try and make things work?

That's a tough one OP. I can see why you're in two minds but I think ultimately you need to do what's best for you. It sounds like you have given this a fair shot. It's terrible your husband has a serious illness and now his dad has had a heart attack it must be an awful time for all of you. Not an easy decision but sometimes there's no turning back with things unfortunately.
By your DH burying his head, you will suffer as a result of that also. Although it must be terrible for him and all of you as a family, he needs to help himself and shouldn't be taking it out on you. Something has got to give.

I think you’ve made your mind up, so there’s no going back. It’s sad about his dad, but you can’t and shouldn’t let that stop your plans.

If it didn't work before your FiL's heart attack it's not going to work after. Better if DH went to FiL's and was there to help look after him when he goes home from hospital really.

Just because FiL had his heart attack is no reason to assume your marriage will suddenly start working again because it won't. Once things have reached the stage that you seriously want to split up then in your head it's over. And your DH needs to move out asap.

If he won’t meet you half way it’s going to be impossible to make it work - you can’t single handedly make it work without giving yourself and your needs away in the process. His dads heart attack may give him a wake up call to where he will actively work on things with you, but without that you can’t keep it going on your own, believe me I’ve tried.

It's a tough coincidence. I'd keep the split on the down low for a bit. Do you think your husband might take it as a massive warning and start getting help?

It's a sad coincidence that your FIL has now had a heart attack, but that doesn't change your circumstances one bit. Your husband has done nothing to improve his life and address his health, and has made you miserable. You're best off powering through the guilt and getting out.

Might DH going to his Dad's have been important in dealing with the heart attack, promptly? In which case a fortunate rather than unfortunate coincidence.

Thanks for your replies.

I don’t think he would see it as a wake up call I’ve been telling for months I’m not happy and nothings changed.
It’s just so hard as he has no where to move out to. His dad remarried a few years ago and don’t think he wants to go there whilst dad in hospital.
Now he’s back to his usual if I ignore it it will go away response and pretending nothings happening.

It’s just so hard as he has no where to move out to.

Legally he doesn't have to and has as much right as you to stay in the house until your divorce and finances are settled, if you do seperate.

We rent and both names on the TA we only just moved in 2 months ago. We have separate bank accounts not much to sort out really.

It’s hard for him, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok for him to use you as his emotional punchbag. You’re a person too, your happiness also matters. If he had treated you better, he wouldn’t be in this position, it’s not your job to fix that for him now, to continue to sacrifice yourself to make things easier for him.

It's unfortunate what has happened with his dad, but do not let this stop you. You are unhappy and you won't magically become happy because you feel you have to 'work on it.' I feel terrible about wanting to end things with my H, but I know I have to do it to stop feeling physically ill. My kids need me to be a happy healthy mam for them. He's a grown man and can sort himself out, as can yours.

Thanks all. Yes your right I need to do this.
it’s not easy but will hopefully be worth it in the end.