Why am I so relieved when he disappears

[Heatwavetrainstrikeclusterfuck]

I’m in a relationship with a narcissist and I have all the classic trauma bonding, addiction type behaviour.

He has gone away tonight for 5 days. what is that weird feeling of relief that I get that he is contained, somewhere else for five whole days? He will be very contained. Not able to be in touch due to schedule / signal , so no worries for me that I am not texting enough or texting too much or not being interesting enough or having enough new things to tell him (either one seem to trip me up. He also can’t cheat and is completely alone.

the idea that these five days can roll out before me and I can get some semblance of consistency, Live by my own rules, eat well, sleep well, not wait for him to text, get anxious if he doesn’t, feel bombarded if he does, drink to cope with the ups and downs.

why is it that I can’t leave him but I can feel immense relief when I have a period of days where I can live like he doesn’t exist? What is that?

You can leave him. You choose not to.

I know I choose not to. I am just trying to understand how my psychology is working

I'm in a relationship with a narcissist and I have all the classic trauma bonding, addiction type behaviour.

He has gone away tonight for 5 days. what is that weird feeling of relief that I get that he is contained, somewhere else for five whole days?

This is a no-brainer @Heatwavetrainstrikeclusterfuck - as in easy to see.

He is what you say in statement 1, so you feel how you do in statement 2.

It's a taster of how you will feel when you're finally free of him. Bring that peace to you 24/7 by separating from him completely ASAP and having no contact with him ever again. It'll be just like in statement 2, but permanently.

I know it feels nervewracking but it'll be great.

If you don't live with him then you could just block him on everything. You need never hear from him again. If he causes any hastle (or you fear he might) then call the police.

You might find Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood interesting. She’s very strong on the addictive nature of dysfunctional relationships and how to move on from them.

"What is that"? That is called the sweet relief of time apart from an arsehole when you're not with the one you're normally with. Breaking up would make this a permanent feeling!

Do you live together, if so whose property is it, could you leave while he is away .

Because you rely on him for your self esteem. Whilst you're still in a relationship, you don't feel you've failed. But you don't actually enjoy the relationship, so it's better if you can maintain the 'in a relationship' status, without actually having to do the relationship.

Maybe you’re addicted to the highs and lows. Or your sense of reality is so skewed you think you can’t leave. Or he has worn you down so much that you feel you don’t deserve any better.

You can end this. You don’t need to figure out the psychology of it. Just know he’s an abuser and you are a victim.

I think it’s your body and deep inner brain telling you, this is how you can be happy. No one should tell you how to live and you can’t live hanging on for someone else’s approval.

leave him, get support, leave him.

I think watchkeys has it.

And, so does your gut feeling. A relationship IS only nice when it's a positive relationship. This one saps you, makes your fire smaller, his dogs are always barking at your door...

How would you feel ending it? I understand the feeling of relief when they leave. It's a strong message xx

One question to ask yourself is how you may feel you're benefiting by staying with him and therefore not allowing your own happiness to be a priority. I.e. you're undermining/sabotaging yourself. Why?

When he's just 'away' (securely) you see it as a break (understandably), but making it permanent is scary because you don't actually want to be alone & despite it not being a brilliant idea, you do love him.

Have you ever been single?

I would use those five days to get the hell out of there!

As pp said, it's about the highs and lows. When he is there he governs them and it's like being in a roller coaster. And now he's gone your rollercoaster has docked...for a bit.

But you know what he is op! So you can end it. So, what are you waiting for? Give yourself permission to leave him. It's time.

You have 5 days to do anything you need to to work towards that (eg: changing your locks if he has a key).

I was with a narcissist for over 20 years and so recognise that feeling. To be honest, my self esteem was so badly damaged that I did not for a second believe that I could leave and manage all the practical aspects of life on my own. This despite the fact that I'd lived on my own while at Uni (and paid the bills on time etc) and holding down a corporate job where I was doing very well. I lived for his time away. Luckily, he had zero interest in family life (unless it was for show) and took every opportunity to travel so I had lots of time with just me and the kids.

I left 3.5 years ago and I now have that lovely feeling of freedom every single day! You can too when you are ready.

Use those 5 days to do what you need to do to leave him; you can do it

It's definitely your choice.

Have you considered counselling or therapy?

The only thing stopping you from leaving this relationship is you. We can't help you with that.

drink to cope with the ups and downs

Not being funny, but could he be a good excuse for a drink?!?!?

I'm not judging, I speak as someone who went out with a complete wanker for 18 months because he was good at rolling fags.

Wow. That was a difficult read.
Someone I was close to in my late teens and lost touch with went through this and sadly took his own life. His father's testimony at the inquest about his final years was heartbreaking.

Because this helplessness is your personal normal.

You need to be very brave and tunnel visioned to break the cycle.